Guardian Soars
by Eilwynn
Summary: Kurosaki Ichigo somehow lands himself back in the world of the dead at one of its most critical junctures. Due to a bureaucratic mistake, he ends up in the last place anyone expected. Chaos ensues. Post Soul Society Arc. Original Story. Sequel to Guardian and Guardian Rising.
1. Title Page

**_Guardian Soars_**

**Book Three: What is Home?**

_"Is this home?_

_Is this where I should learn to be happy?_

_Never dreamed_

_That a home could be dark and cold._

_I was told_

_Ev'ry day in my childhood:_

_'Even when we grow old, _

_Home will be where the heart is.'_

_Never were words so true._

_My heart's far, far away._

_Home is too._

_Is this home?_

_Is this what I must learn to believe in?_

_Try to find_

_Something good in this tragic place?_

_Just in case_

_I should stay here forever,_

_Held in this empty space._

_Oh, but that won't be easy._

_I know the reason why:_

_My heart's far, far away._

_Home's a lie._

_What I'd give to return_

_To the life that I knew lately,_

_But I know that I can't_

_Solve my problems going back._

_Is this home?_

_Am I here for a day or forever?_

_Shut away_

_From the world until who knows when?_

_Oh, but then,_

_As my life has been altered once,_

_It can change again."_

_- "Home" from Beauty and the Beast_


	2. Heart Stopper

Author's Note: Many of you may have noticed you haven't heard from me in a while. I took a year off from both writing and college due to a serious illness. I won't go into detail, but let's just say I nearly died. When I didn't, I gained a newfound appreciation of life and a desire to just fuck it all and do what I wanted. And the more I read Bleach fanfic, the more I realized two things:

- the Guardian series wasn't complete

- I wanted to go off in my own original direction with it

If you have a problem with this, feel free to read the first two stories as they are and ignore everything else I'm about to post here.

I would like to request some fanart for my story as it progresses, as I do not yet have a specific picture for it. So, artists, get to work! Let me warn you that this is original story territory, so all pairing bets are off and there may be romance heterosexual or homosexual.

I don't watch the anime much, but I know vaguely that a certain group shown in this chapter got together and that a certain character should have been in it, so I gave them all a little power boost and put it in the story.

This first introductory chapter is a little short.

* * *

_"And if your heart stops beating,_

_I'll be here wondering:_

_Did you get what you deserve?"_

_- "Dead!" by My Chemical Romance_

* * *

_Chapter One: Heart Stopper_

Ochi Misato's little one-story house was a different color every time I saw it.

Being my mentor, she'd invited me over a few times before - just to have lunch, you know? But she'd always had bizarre choices in color design. This time, the paint was an amusing eggshell blue.

Whatever. Her choice, I guessed.

I put my hands in my pockets, jingling the things around inside - my keys, a little container of tic-tacs, the tiny cheap good luck charm that Dad had insisted (loudly, in a way that was both touching and irritating) that I keep after getting back home, and my substitute Shinigami badge that Ochi-sensei shouldn't even be able to see - as I went up the steps and knocked on the front door. I scuffed my feet, shifting from foot to foot, a little restlessly. For some reason I couldn't fathom, I was nervous. I wondered irrationally if Ochi-sensei would notice some strange change in me.

A lot of things about me had changed, since Rukia and the Shinigami had come into my life.

Thinking of Rukia brought a pang that I tried hard to suppress.

_Rukia is where she belongs, and that's not with you. And Ochi's not a mind reader. Get over it._

The voice in the back of my head sounded a little like Zangetsu, and a little like my Hollow self.

The door swung open and Ochi was there, smiling, on the other side.

"You cut your hair," was the first thing I noted in surprise. It was all cut short, around her ears.

"I just decided it was time for a change," she shrugged, as she was wont to do. Then she smirked. "You know, you're going to make some lucky lady _very _happy one day." She was almost as teasing as Yoruichi.

Blushing furiously, I looked down and muttered gruffly, "Dunno what you're talking about." Which, for the record, I actually didn't. What the hell?

"Every girl wants a guy who notices things like changes in appearance. Especially if he compliments them as he does it. So, for future reference, you should have said something like, 'You cut your hair, that looks so great!'" Ochi-sensei grinned.

"I -" I stopped, paused. Actually filing that away into the back of my mind. "I have more important things to worry about than what girls think of what I'm thinking!" I finally protested heatedly.

Ochi snorted. "No, you don't, you're a sixteen-year-old boy. What else could you possibly have to worry about?" My first, reflexive thought went to all the Hollow patrols I'd gone out for over this last month of summer, and the almost alarming lack of sleep I'd become accustomed to. I nearly opened my mouth to respond - Ochi was like Unohana in that I tended to blurt out truths without thinking around her - but Ochi saved me by looking away into the depths of her house. "Now, are you going to just stand out on the front stoop all afternoon? Come on inside, you little rugrat!"

As she stepped aside and I entered, going past the screen door to the tiled front entrance, I said dubiously, "Hardly a rugrat anymore." I couldn't even be indignant over that one. It was just, well, kind of true.

"Oh, right, you're a _mature _sixteen," she said, in a nudge-nudge-wink-wink sort of way. I snorted and looked away. She'd reminded me of Rukia again, and it had brought another pang.

I told myself it was just weird, accustoming to life without her after all the time she'd spent here.

Ochi-sensei's kitchen table was near the front entrance, even though her kitchen was a ways into the back. She invited me to sit down and went back to make tea. Her dog slunk over to my feet, his collar rattling, and I reached down to rub his ears.

"So how have you been?" Ochi asked bluntly, calling backward over her shoulder. "You just got back from a trip a while ago, right? Where to?"

My mind spun fast, and I ended up telling her a lie about the summer trip I _almost _took. "Uh - went to the beach with some friends. Checked out the tide pools." _Almost _took. I could have saved a girl from another dimension from execution and I almost went to the beach. Sometimes, I could be kind of lame.

"You're not as talkative as you used to be," Ochi noted, turning to look at me and leaning against the counter with an unreadable expression.

Oops. There was just a lot more stuff I used to tell her. Stuff I couldn't talk about, now. 'Realm of the dead' stuff. "You basically used to be my counselor," I pointed out dryly instead of commenting.

"That's true," Ochi mused, looking off into space. "I guess it's good that you don't feel like you have to share as much anymore. It means you're getting on with your life..." She seemed to think for a minute. "Oh!" She perked up and moved over to one of her bookshelves. I raised my eyebrows questioningly, and then she handed me a book. A big, thick one.

"More poetry?" I asked, flipping it over to look in the inside cover.

"I got it at the beginning of the summer. It was good and I thought you'd like it. Bring it back when you're done - preferably _without _it looking all dog eared and tattered this time."

"It's how I mark my spot!" I protested sheepishly, looking up.

"Uh huh." She eyed me up and down in amusement, and then the tea kettle whistled.

A few minutes later we were sitting across from each other. She told me about a teachers conference she went to and an art gallery she went to visit, and then she said, "I almost wish I hadn't come back." Her tone was wistful.

"I can't relate," I admitted. "I'd miss home too much. I'm glad to be back."

She looked over at me discerningly. "Really?"

I thought of playing with my sisters again, of my stupid argument over the good luck charm with Dad, of going out for ice cream with Keigo and Mizuiro - the two goofballs, in different ways. Tatsuki stopped by to see me after she went to visit Orihime, and then there was Inoue Orihime. And Chad. And how much closer I'd become to the two of them, after what we'd been through together. Ishida was the only one I hadn't had much contact with. I suspected with sympathy - not pity - that my self proclaimed rival missed being a Quincy too much to spend time around us.

Yeah. I was home.

"Really," I said firmly, and I meant it.

"There was something else I wanted to talk to you about," said Ochi, to my surprise, changing the subject. She looked out the window behind her absently to the street outside.

"What is it?" I asked, frowning, almost worried. But what she said surprised even me.

"You seem like you're going to graduate. Have you thought at all about what you're going to do after that?"

I... hadn't, actually. I'd been so busy, between schoolwork and Shinigami work, I hadn't thought about it.

"Well, luckily, I've been thinking for you," said Ochi, taking in my expression. "You may now thank me for my services."

"Thank you for your services," I said flatly, sarcastic.

Ochi smirked. "You're welcome," she said, pretending not to have noticed. "Ichigo: you should go to college."

I stared. "Well..." When I thought of higher education, I thought of my Dad, and it wasn't like I had ever planned to be my Dad. "I thought I might just get a job. At a store or something. Something laid back..." So I could have more time to devote to my substitute Shinigami job. Even though that idea seemed somehow... flat.

Ochi seemed to notice how I slowly deflated as I thought more on what I'd just said. "Ichigo," she said bluntly, "that's boring. And you know you're not boring. Now, I'm not going to tell you how to live your life. It's your choice. But you're one of the smartest kids in that whole damn school and you would make one hell of a college student. And you know it."

I was still staring.

"Wh-what would I study?" I asked at last, disbelievingly. "_Literature_?" I couldn't believe I was actually considering this.

Ochi shrugged. "Sure," she said. "Study anything. Lots of places, all you need is a degree."

"Yeah. For an _office _job. I'd rather work in a _store," _I said incredulously.

"So, pick something else." Ochi leaned forward, unusually earnest. She seemed pretty passionate about this, and Ochi usually never stepped forward to instruct me in anything. But somehow, this time she didn't feel like some authority figure. I could tell she meant what she said.

"I... I honestly have no idea what I'd even..." I was getting exasperated.

"Come on, you're better than this! Really? Nothing?" She sat back as if disappointed.

Nearly sneering defensively, I raised my arms. "Nothing," I said sarcastically.

Ochi sighed. "Okay. I've got one," she said. And then, as if imparting a great and obvious piece of wisdom, "What about lawyer?"

I paused. Nonplussed. Curious, though I might not admit to that one. "... Lawyer? As in... 'do you know how long it's going to take me to find a divorce lawyer in heaven', lawyer?" I smirked. "I'm touched."

Never one to hold back, Ochi rolled her eyes. "It would keep your mind sharp and your tongue sharper. God knows you're argumentative enough already. And besides, lots of lawyers defend people - it's not all court room drama, if you don't go for that. What about child advocacy? Does that fit your typical image of what a lawyer is?"

"... No..." I admitted.

Ochi sighed and made her own hand wave. "So?" she asked. "What's wrong with the idea?"

I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and think about it for a minute. "I don't know," I admitted at last, frowning. "I just... can't imagine myself as anything. I can't imagine working in a store. Or as a lawyer. Or... fuck, at an animal shelter, I don't know." One great thing about Ochi was that she never even blinked when I swore in frustration. "I just... nothing fits."

Why was it that ever since my trip to the Soul Society, everything else seemed so... mundane? The old me - would he have accepted suggestions like this? I couldn't tell. I wasn't a part of Tatsuki's karate club, even though I could have been. But that didn't necessarily mean I'd have turned down Ochi's help as to what to do with my future.

Maybe I'd have wanted to be a lawyer, maybe that would have fit into that world and that image of myself I'd pretended to care about.

But that was just the thing. _Pretended._

"Don't worry," Ochi-sensei said at last. "It's just your age. I'm sure you'll come up with something."

But somehow, I wasn't sure that was it.

* * *

No matter what, though, I couldn't regret my decision to become a Shinigami. Usually, that was because I was too busy being one.

I walked downstairs to the family room the next afternoon to find Karin and Yuzu in there. Yuzu was baking cookies, Dad's study door was open as he was bent over his desk working - the only time he ever looked serious - and Karin was doing some folding thing with a piece of paper at the table. A bird twittered outside. Everything was quiet, peaceful.

Then the peace was ruined by Karin slamming her hand down on the table, the crinkling of a perfectly good piece of paper, and the sound of the word, "DAMNIT!"

"Hey," I said, "only I'm allowed to say that word."

"Daddy's so proud of your passion, Karin!" Dad called from his office.

Clearly finding neither of her male relatives helpful, Karin simply glared down at the piece of paper in silence.

"What's going on?" I asked Yuzu in confusion.

She sighed. "Karin-chan's been having some problems with stress and frustration, so I told her to try origami because it always helps me relax. It's... not working out quite the way I hoped it would. Apparently."

"Apparently." I smirked in Karin's direction and opened my mouth.

"Don't." She held up her hand, expression still furious. "Don't even start."

I closed my mouth, still smirking in amusement.

Dad, on the other hand, completely ignored Karin and ran out to the dining table, standing by her chair and shouting encouraging cheers directly in her ear. Karin snapped and started yelling at her father, and the neighbors' peace was probably broken too.

They should be used to it by now, though.

My good mood and cheer was interrupted by a sudden spurt of reiatsu somewhere farther in the city. Then came sound: the sound of a Hollow's howl. Karin had just stormed out the door, but I didn't have time to concentrate on that till later. I stood up straighter and ran up the stairs again.

"Nii-chan...?!" Yuzu called out curiously.

"Bathroom!" I shouted backward. I probably looked like I'd had a sudden bout of vicious diarrhea, but whatever. On the way up the stairs my phone rang, and Inoue and Chad were in a three-way call at the other end. "I know, I've got it, stay back," I said firmly, and then hung up the phone. One of us always got it. After all the fighting we'd done, it no longer needed to be all of us all the time. By now, this had become almost habit for me.

I barged into my room, where Kon in his little stuffed lion form had already jumped up onto my bed pillow.

"Hollow -" he began.

I finished brusquely, "I know." Then, as he jumped away in panic, I made a grab for him and wrestled with him for a moment.

"Come on, you know I need your pill to go defeat the Hollow! Do you _want _people to die?!"

"I hate this! I miss Rukia-nee-chan! And her stupid glov -" Kon made a choking noise as I finally got the pill out and popped it into my mouth.

There was the moment of buzzing and pain and then my Shinigami form was out and Kon was in my body. I grabbed the Shinigami Substitute badge - I hadn't been caught out fighting a Hollow by someone dead yet, but I didn't want to risk it - and then I jumped to the window.

"If you do anything weird in my body while I'm gone, I'll throw your ass in the washing machine!" I yelled back over my shoulder.

"I love you too!" Kon called, which just sounded weird coming from my voice. "Geez," he muttered, "no respect..."

And then I'd already leaped away, out over the rooftops.

* * *

When I got there, the Hollow was out in the middle of a big street and had attacked a storefront. The window glass was all shattered and the store owner was ducked underneath his counter, though (presumably) he couldn't hear the Hollow's roar. It was short and stocky, crouched on four legs with some stupid looking head dress thing made out of blue spikes. It opened its jaw and roared to the skies.

I leaped up behind it, hoping to cleave through its head and kill it in one stroke. My zanpakutoh's form was in shikai, the lowest it would go; no need to overpower the thing if that would probably be unnecessary. But the Hollow surprised me. Its tail whipped up to hit me from behind and when I dodged that, I dodged right into its spikes which suddenly protruded farther outward from its head. I reached out a hand, grabbed one of the spikes, and flipped myself over to land on the ground before the Hollow. Then I jumped farther up onto another air level and away, gaining some distance for Zangetsu.

The Hollow was focused on me now, swinging around to look at me, low to the ground, almost growling. The tiny lights in the darkness of its eyes narrowed. It could sense me. Good. That meant it would probably focus on me now, instead of on anyone else.

As if summoned by this thought, people began hurrying over to the mysteriously broken window, the store owner - a broad man with greying hair - coming out slowly from underneath his counter. Thinking fast, I made a reiatsu trail for myself and then zipped through it to stop suddenly in front of the Hollow, in shunpo. Its howl echoed in my ears as I brought Zangetsu up to slash right across the Hollow's face, before it could fully jump away.

Then _I _took a chance and jumped away to a higher air level, hoping the Hollow would follow me, bent on revenge. It did so, and I turned and ran - not in fear; the last thing I was was afraid. But I always preferred fighting around less people.

I took a slower tone than I could have, letting it follow me, flying, and then I leaped down into a quieter side street. It jumped off the nearest roof and lunged itself toward me, rather stupid, and I was just about to cleave right through its head rushing toward me...

When I heard a shout.

I looked around reflexively, dodging under the attack instead, and to my complete disbelief - my utter incredulousness - out ran Don Kanonji with his stupid Spirits Hitting Stick, Jinta and Ururu with giant Sandal-Hat-made spiritually powered automatic weapons which were completely illegal in multiple realms, and... Karin and Tatsuki?

They hadn't noticed me and I ducked quickly into the shadows underneath a wall, staring and staring, as they began fighting the Hollow.

None of them were very good at sensing, apparently, because none of them had noticed I was there.

Jinta and Ururu charged forward, guns blazing, and began riddling the Hollow with bullet holes. It flinched backward, howling at them, and then it just seemed to get angry and charged. Don Kanonji jumped in front of Jinta and Ururu and held the Hollow back with his cane, shoving it into the Hollow's forehead. But meanwhile, Tatsuki and Karin had disappeared.

I'd just begun to wonder if I'd imagined them when a long rope of smoke that was leaking my sister's reiatsu sneaked around behind the Hollow... and then suddenly wrapped around its neck in a vice-like grip. The Hollow skidded backward, struggling, and there was Karin, her face contorted, her hand out. Then Tatsuki stepped forward from behind Karin, smirking. She lifted her hands as if about to conduct an orchestra, and rings of fire formed around her wrists. They swirled around about her knees and formed into two foxes, one on either side.

Karin and Tatsuki had gotten powers too. From being around me. They were like Inoue and Chad. Were all my friends going to end up the same way?

... Was there any point in keeping secrets from them any longer?

The foxes charged the Hollow and it made horrible noises as they knocked it over, eating into its essence.

"There's another one," said Tatsuki, relaxing and putting a hand on her hip as she watched in satisfaction. "There haven't been as many around lately."

"My brother's been getting 'em." Karin genuinely seemed to feel there was no significant import in what she just said. Then she smirked and lifted herself up. "But we got this one. We're awesome."

"That you are, Karakura Superheroes!" Don Kanonji boomed, lifting his cane proudly. He had to be behind this, and on that I was torn. On one hand, he'd put my sister and my friend in danger. On the other hand... I'd felt an odd rush of _pride _watching them, mingling with my shock.

(Also: _Karakura Superheroes? _What the hell?)

"Yuzu looked at me funny as I was walking out the door," said Karin. She looked off to the side uncomfortably. "My sister can sense too, you know. I think she knows something's up."

"You think... you think she's been watching us?" Jinta asked eagerly. Wait. Eagerly?

I eyed bratty little Jinta suspiciously as Ururu spoke up, "But wouldn't she have wanted to join us...?" and he reached around, yanking on her pigtails hard. She started crying. I wasn't impressed.

No way was Jinta getting within a foot of my sister.

Clearly they had the Hollow, so I was just about to slink away unscathed and privately freak the hell out and figure out what to do. But then a voice interrupted the scene, shattering the quiet and making everyone's heads whirl around. A voice that sounded like...

My voice.

"ICHIGO! There are other reiatsu signatures around here, I wondered if you might need help -!" I could have _cursed _Kon. Shouting loud enough for the surrounding neighbors to probably be able to hear, he ran up in my body. And paused, staring at the scene before him.

His eyes widened and he paled as five pairs of eyes locked on him, eyes that weren't mine, as he saw the struggling Hollow before them. "... Shit."

"Ichigo?" Karin stepped forward, almost threateningly. "What do you mean... Aren't _you _Ichigo?"

Kon stepped backward, laughing nervously. "Funny story. See... I have no idea who you are. Thought you were someone else. Sorry about that; see ya!" He turned around - and I sighed.

No way he was getting out of there alive, with the glares being leveled on him.

And as much as I wanted to watch myself get beaten up by Tatsuki and Karin, I really didn't.

I reached out, shoved reiatsu into my hand, and caught Kon by the throat as he was leaving. I heard someone gasp as I stepped from the shadows. Clearly, they all could see me.

There was complete silence for a moment as the two groups stared at one another across the pavement between them.

"Ichigo...?" I turned, almost dreadingly, to look at Tatsuki, who was staring at me breathlessly. And then I caught sight of something out of the corner of my eye, and panic shot through my heart.

"TATSUKI, KARIN, YOU LET GO OF THE HOLLOW!"

Their powers had disappeared in their surprise; I watched the Hollow _curl _off to the side and reach a claw around to swipe at Karin's back. Shooting forward, flash step, I was there in less than half a second, standing behind Karin, hold Zangetsu's shikai up as a guard...

But then something strange happened. Something about the Hollow's edges solidified before my eyes, and it _went through me. _I heard the horrible sound of Karin crying out and landing on the pavement a ways away behind me; I whirled my head around and saw deep, bloody claw marks in her back, she lying there, unconscious. I got a sudden rush of fear, rage, guilt - and confusion.

"You thought I was new, didn't you...?" the Hollow growled out softly, and I looked around furiously to the dim lights in its eyes. "You thought I was... stupid... _incomplete. _But I was simply waiting for the right opening... You want to know my ability? I can cross the chasm, between dead and living. Right now, I am solid, as if alive. And you... you are only a spirit. We pass through each other. That girl, however, smells delicious, and is quite wonderfully _alive."_

I could feel the anger pounding through my brain, adrenaline sharpening. I needed to start taking this more seriously. He'd underestimated me in one respect. I could cross the chasm, too. I'd just done it with Kon.

Leaping upward, I knew I'd have to do this carefully. I pushed a swell of reiatsu toward my body, toward my sword. It took so much more _effort _than I thought it would. I was shaking, straining myself, trying to become solid, but meanwhile I could see the Hollow rushing toward Karin again below me...

And then it all happened very fast. Kon in my body was running forward; he kicked out and pushed the Hollow away from my sister; the others were frozen, staring between me and, well, me. The Hollow rolled and charged back toward Kon, who was standing in front of Karin. Kon steeled himself, waiting, and I realized that with my power-up I wouldn't get there in time to save them.

Here's the thing about being in a battle, something I knew only too well but had, stupidly, in my great power forgotten. Anything can happen. Huge, complicated maneuvers happen in seconds. The biggest decisions of people's lives are made in a snap. People hesitate, people move when they shouldn't have - all the time. Just because you're strong, that doesn't always mean you're going to win.

I was reminded of this quite forcefully in that split instant. All I knew, in that instant, was that my friends were in danger, my sister was injured, and Kon - if he died defending her, there in that body, I had no idea what would happen to him. Did artificially created beings get life after death? Or would he just be destroyed?

_Their _wellbeing flashed through my mind in a split instant.

And then I ran forward, pushed into Kon, and _forced _the soul out of my body, the pill being expelled out of my mouth in a rush... Just as, in that same rush of outbreath, a set of claws ripped through the front of my body, horrible, splitting pain across my abdomen. I heard someone scream.

I reached up with my zanpakutoh, still standing with effort, panting, and I shoved the sword straight through the Hollow's head. It dispelled quietly, and I stood there, breathing heavily, slumping. It hurt, it _hurt, _to move that way, and -

Wait. I was in my body. How did I have my zanpakutoh?

I looked down slowly... and there was me.

There was my body, lying there, its wounds echoing the wounds ripped across my Shinigami robes and chest, across my soul. Its wounds, the same as mine. But my body couldn't survive them.

My body's eyes were open and glassy and I knew, staring disbelievingly, without checking that I was dead.

And that thought stopped there in my mind.

I was dead.

I should be freaking out. I should be crying.

_Do something, _I told myself, _do something. _

But it was just so much more _real, _when I saw my ruined body lying there below me in a puddle of my own blood. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move. I couldn't think. I couldn't do anything.

I was _dead._

"... Ichigo." I looked up wildly; Tatsuki had half stepped toward me, her hand out and her eyes widened fearfully, pained, but she was not the one who had spoken. Don Kanonji, for once, looked deadly serious behind her. "You need to go," Don Kanonji said. "Now."

I was running on autopilot. "But - Karin -"

"We will take care of your sister. _Go._"

"But -"

"GO, damnit! You need to see Urahara!" Jinta snapped, and I realized he was right. People... people would be after me. Important people. Like the Shinigami.

Who would want me in Soul Society.

But... but I couldn't... damnit!

And then, even as I felt my reiatsu funneled in to heal my center, I whirled around and was off like a flash. I reached down to pick up Kon, put him in my sleeve. And then I was off... running. Running. Breathing with a pained effort, not knowing what to _do._

I couldn't... I had to stay here... I couldn't...

And then all of a sudden, I realized I was gasping loudly, and I stopped and leaned against a wall - shouting - shouting -! I was crying, I realized. I... I was crying.

Kon, for once, was dead silent in the sleeve below me.

I put a hand to my open mouth, and made this low, pathetic sound, and when I took my hand back it was wet.

I stood there and shook for a minute, gasping.

Then I slowly heaved myself to my feet, swaying... And I was off running toward the Urahara Shouten again.


	3. No Easy Way Out

_"It's easy to fall in love._

_When you fall in love, you know you're done._

_You've got easy eyes to hunt,_

_And the world above needs your blood_

_In the cold veins of the richest man._

_He'll pay your way to steal her hand._

_And there ain't no easy way,_

_No, there ain't no easy way out..._

_It's easy to fall in love._

_When you've run your luck, you know you're done._

_And the last kiss had a fool's cost._

_Now your tired eyes can only haunt._

_And there ain't no easy way,_

_No, there ain't no easy way out."_

_- "Ain't No Easy Way" by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club_

* * *

_Chapter Two: No Easy Way Out_

By the time the Urahara Shouten had come into view, a light rain had started falling, falling _through _me instead of on me, a bittersweet presence coming as if trying to heal what couldn't be undone. My blood leaked into the air and then wisped away, into nothing. It was like I was a ghost, was gone, wasn't fully there.

My Shinigami form was the only thing keeping me from actually being a ghost, and I just couldn't wrap my head around that at all. The suddenness of it seemed unreal.

I saw the shop come into view, its pointed awnings, its glass front door. I ran in there, slammed the door open, and Urahara was there amid his shop on the other side. He stood up quickly, his bored eyes widening, startled. "Kurosaki-san, what -?"

"Urahara, I need help," I said urgently, my voice hoarse.

"Yes, I can see that, Kurosaki-san, you look -"

_Like death? _I guessed sarcastically, a little hysterically.

Yoruichi suddenly came out from the depths of the shop in her human form, following an urgent Tessai. "Sit down, Ichigo, have a drink or something, you need healing," she said, irritatingly languid, looking me over.

"No!" I snapped. "I can't sit down!" And I began pacing around the shop furiously, restless. "This is - this is a disaster -!"

"You've gotten worse," Yoruichi pointed out, raising an eyebrow. She thought I meant my wounds.

"We felt you panicking," Tessai commented, watching me with a frown growing on his face.

"You _felt _me -?"

"Yes, Kurosaki-san, anyone with any reiatsu ability in Tokyo could probably feel it when _you _started panicking," said Urahara dryly. "Now, would you like to tell us what's going on?" It sounded subtly steely, more like a demand than a question.

"You felt me, and I didn't feel..." I swallowed. "Different, to you?"

"Should you have?"

"My body died," I forced out, and then the words were out there in the air, and there was no taking them back. Three pairs of eyes widened in alarm. Alarm and... something else. I sat down, breathing hard, suddenly realizing I might be panicking. Just a little bit. "I'm dead, I... I'm dead..."

"What?! You _di_ -?!" But Urahara held up a hand to pause Yoruichi, and there was a pregnant silence.

"Well, then," Urahara finally said softly, his eyes not bored anymore. It was like he was on edge. He was holding the cane his zanpakutoh was hidden in tightly, knuckles white - though the rest of him seemed calm, something that gave me a modicum of relief. "We _do _have a problem, don't we?"

He had me lay down on the floor behind the counter of his shop, and Yoruichi started healing me, a tingling coming over my abdomen as the blue light floated above me from her hands. "All that, and you die against a common Hollow," she muttered, as I breathed deeply, staring up at the ceiling. "What was your body even doing there?" It was basically a scold.

"Kon," I forced out. "Kon was there..."

"I knew keeping that mod soul around would bring no good," Tessai intoned deeply, and I frowned.

"No..." I said. "No, it's not Kon's fault..."

Suddenly, just as my wounds were closing up, I sat up, interrupting Yoruichi. She scowled and tried to force me back down by the head. "Lay down, you're not finished -!"

"My sister was injured!" I snapped back. "I have things I need to do, alright?!"

There was a pause, and then, quietly, she put her hand back and let me get to my feet.

"Urahara-san." My eyes were wide, pleading, as I turned to him. His eyebrows lifted in surprise. "I need a gigai. I need a body again."

Tessai was shaking his head, and I whipped around to glare at him. He stared back at me, steadily.

"Kurosaki-san," Urahara said at last, in a pained, weak voice. "You _do _realize the Shinigami will want you in the Soul Society, under their control...? They're probably on their way here right now."

I took a deep breath, steadying myself. "I know," I said seriously. "But I can't go there. I can't leave yet, I have to - I have to make sure my sister's okay, I have to - My _life _is _here. _Here in Karakura, protecting my friends and family!" I swept my hand to the quiet street outside.

There was a silence. They were watching me, and I could feel the pity, and I _hated _it. I gritted my teeth and clenched my fists. "_Answer _me," I said tightly, trying not to feel childish.

Urahara sighed. "At the risk of pointing out the obvious, Kurosaki-san, surely you and I have both heard all these words from the freshly dead before?" I felt suddenly as if I'd been punched in the stomach. Because he was right. But this was, this was _different, _this was -

"_I'm _the reason they awakened their reiatsu powers!" I pointed a hand at myself, fierce. "I'm the reason Hollows are after them, I can't just leave them behind like that!"

"Alright. Let's say for argument's sake I make you a gigai and for some miraculous reason you manage to avoid going to the Soul Society," said Urahara. "There are still two problems."

"And what would those be?!"

"Quietly, Kurosaki-san, I am getting a _headache_."

"I just died and you're complaining about your headache?!"

"Ichigo, you are no longer aging the same," Yoruichi said forcedly, and I paused for a moment. Quiet at last. "How would we explain that?"

"So..." I was grasping. "So, so we can find a way to explain that, we can - I could have a medical condition or something -"

"There is another problem."

"Goddamnit!" I slammed a hand down on the counter, my face twisting into a snarl, desperate. "Why won't you help me?!"

"Because, Kurosaki-san, it takes _time _to make a gigai, and the Shinigami are arriving for you right about... now."

And then a hole opened up in the air behind me, one filled with reiatsu. I looked backward dreadingly, my insides freezing... And there were the black hell moths. And there was the rice paper screen door.

"_Shit!" _I almost screamed, and then I had run past Urahara & Associates and out into the street. At least they didn't stop me.

I couldn't get away fast enough. I jumped up onto the roof, did a flash step, then another one, jumping whole blocks in seconds. I jumped a third time, and there directly beside me was a Shinigami, waiting for me.

It was Byakuya. He looked at me evenly, emotionless. I charged past him and ran away, not even knowing what to _do_, and for some reason, he let me.

"Ichigo! Ichigo, calm down, _slow down!" _Rukia's voice, she running behind me. I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach again. But I kept running.

"Stop it, Kurosaki, there is nothing you can _do_ -!" Renji's voice, but it was getting smaller and further away as I ran, breathlessly, across Karakura.

Two voices in my head, twin voices, Zangetsu calmly and my Hollow side trying to shove its way to the forefront, told me sternly, almost angrily, to stop running. But what else could I do -? And then I had an idea.

What if I blocked my reiatsu with... my own reiatsu?

I paused, knowing I had mere seconds, and jumped down into the street below. I focused on a black circle in my mind, going further and further toward it... I made a ball of reiatsu in my hand, took out Zangetsu's sword, and shoved him inside the giant circle of reiatsu. There was a gigantic explosion, all energy and light and color, and then I was dizzily flash stepping again, as fast as I could, through complex side streets instead of across rooftops. As I had hoped, the reiatsu had spread out across that entire section of the city, like a thick blanket muffling their senses. And if they couldn't sense me and couldn't follow me... then I had some time.

Not much time. But some.

There was only one person I could think of to go to, one person who would unite with me in avoiding the Soul Society... even though I'd only seen his apartment from the outside once, even though we hadn't been talking to each other lately, even though he no longer had his powers.

It was time to go to Ishida.

* * *

When I ran straight through the wall and into his living room, he was working on a sewing project, of all things. "Ishida!" He jumped and swore, pricking his finger, a drop of blood coming out. Waving his hand, he looked up at me, and paused - his face transforming into a glare.

"Kurosaki, you're turning into one of them! Get out of my house, you don't belong here!" He stood furiously.

"I'm not -" I swallowed, the very idea filling me with new resolve. "I'm not turning into one of them; I have a legitimate reason to be here!"

"And what on earth could that be?!"

"I'm dead and the Shinigami are after me!"

Ishida paused. "... Wow," he said at last. "Good reason."

* * *

Ishida's apartment was strangely homey. His couch had a quilt thrown across it. He'd probably made it himself. There was a strange thought.

_("You're not surprised that I can see you?" he had asked, standing solemnly before me._

_"I -" I'd stopped. I was so distracted, the thought hadn't even occurred to me that with his powers gone, Ishida shouldn't be able to see me. _

_Ishida sighed and rolled his eyes. "The increased spiritual activity of your sister and your friends convinced my father to give me some... training," he admitted begrudgingly, "in regaining my powers."_

_"You knew my sister was out there fighting and you didn't tell me?!" I did NOT just yelp._

_"I didn't think it was my place," said Ishida, smoothly and looking away, irritating little asshole that he was._

_"Why, you -! Wait, you told me your father was normal," I said, confused, this catching up to me at last. "And you said he doesn't talk to you."_

_"Both are true," Ishida assured me bitterly, cold. "But he is normal by choice. What convinced him to train me when he never had before, I don't know. But I have... regained my former Quincy powers. I was waiting for the right moment to tell you."_

_"Now's as good a time as any," I joked weakly._

_"Indeed," he returned dryly. "As for your problem... I may be able to help.")_

So I was sitting there on his freaking quilted couch, trying not to be anxious, looking around and twiddling my foot because it distracted my mind from what was inevitably before me. Ishida had gone into the back; he said he might actually have something that could help me. That was the only reason I was still here.

But damn, if he didn't seem to be taking a long time.

"Are you almost done; they could be coming!" I finally called backward.

"Patience, Kurosaki!" Many had said it before. "I have to find what I'm looking for!"

I took a deep breath, shifted on the couch, rubbed at my chest - paused when it stung. I looked down. The wounds on my abdomen had healed over, but they would probably scar because I hadn't gotten full medical treatment in time. My father's voice abruptly filled my head, and it was grinning. _Chicks dig scars._

I snorted, looking away. The thought pained me, a little, because I might have to go on the run for a little while - might not be able to see my family again. I hoped Karin was okay. I hoped my Dad was responsible enough to take care of my sisters. I hoped a lot of things.

All that effort and I'd just have to run away anyway. Rukia wouldn't be coming, though, of course. She'd chosen her home.

I thought of her voice, chasing after me, calling to me. If it had been just her... If the circumstances had been different...

I wasn't entirely sure why, beyond not seeing my family and friends anymore, the idea of going to the realm of the dead freaked me out so much. Maybe it was because I was still so used to thinking of them as my enemies. Maybe it was because of the... finality... of it all, of such a move. But what had I expected to happen eventually anyway, even if it was just by natural causes?

Was I overreacting, doing this - running away?

I'd thought I was done with running away. But this was one thing I wasn't sure I could fight my way out of.

I was broken from my train of thought by Ishida coming out, carrying a soft, blue, hooded cloak. There were twin crosses on the undersides of the sleeves. Ishida held it there in his hands for a moment, considering it stoically... and then, almost carefully, he handed it to me. "Be careful with this," he said, and then, softer, "It was my grandfather's."

I'd stood up, but I paused, a little stunned.

"I - I can't take this -" I said at last, but he overrode me.

"You know I hate the Shinigami because of my grandfather. In my opinion, it's for a good cause." Ishida glared at me icily, stiff. "Now take the damn cloak."

I reached out, holding it between my hands. "... What is it?" I asked at last.

"It shields a reiatsu signature completely from view, making it undetectable. My grandfather had it specially made. Well... at least, that's what it does for a Quincy," Ishida admitted. "I'm not sure it will work on you, not being a Quincy, not having a body..."

I was already trying it on, deciding there was only one way to find out. I wrapped it around myself, and there was a tingling across my skin, and a soft glow coming from my body, underneath the cloth. I wrapped it tighter around myself, shielding the glow from view. Looking up, I asked tentatively, "Does it work?"

"... It does," said Ishida, sounding vaguely surprised as he looked me over.

Then, because I couldn't help asking, I added begrudgingly, "Do I look... stupid?"

Sure enough, Ishida smirked. "Yes," he said. "But you always look stupid."

"Aww, screw you!"

A moment of genuine humor passed over his face, and then he hurried me to the door. "Go, now," he said. "It's only so long till they find out where I live."

"Ishida," I said, looking back over my shoulder.

"What?" He paused, worried and harried.

I softened, slightly. "Thanks," I admitted.

* * *

I used roadways and kept to the shadows so I'd look inconspicuous, the cloak's hood up over my head to hide my face. I walked into the early evening. In the pink sky above, when I paused to rest, I could see black robed forms perched on rooftops, scanning the streets. No one else I passed stopped to stare at them, so after a while, I didn't either.

It was late at night when I made it to where I was headed: the cemetery.

I melted through the gates and went up the hill, across the grass and around the gravestones to pause before Mom's grave. There was her name. As always, it felt like she was still there, with me. I looked up: the sky was an inky blue-black, mingled with the dim lights of stars. The air was cool.

"... I don't know what to do," I admitted after a moment, frankly, in the direction of the sky. "I don't know where to go." I felt small and lost.

A deep sort of despair had filled me. I had promised myself that that was it, that my close involvement with the Shinigami had come to an end. I wanted no part in their rebellion, in their war. At most, I had wanted to keep in touch with Rukia, and even she had chosen to stay, when I had chosen to leave. I had no grudge against the Shinigami, but no connection to them either. I fought in spirit form to protect my family and my home from Hollows. It was as simple as that.

I wasn't sure of the Shinigami, and that felt vague, dangerous. Black and white turned into silvery grey colors around them.

And I did genuinely feel a need, to stay near Karakura, to watch over the people there. That was where I belonged, it was my _job. _Everything I knew was there. I thought of my sisters. Saying I continued to age like this... how long would it be until I looked twenty? I counted backward in my head - and I realized, cold, that by the time I looked twenty, Yuzu and Karin would be old women.

And that part... there was nothing I could do about. That was it. Gone.

I took a deep, shaky breath and my eyes stung. _Stop it, _I told myself fiercely. I looked down at the grave. "Mommy," I said, "help me."

I didn't expect anything to answer me. It was just forced out, in a fit of emotion, came out of its own accord. But all of a sudden, it was like something _did _answer me. A breeze picked up... and a few leaves blew past me. Blew toward the gravekeeper's house up on the hill.

I was not the Shinigami. I valued personal space and did not go inside. But... I went over and jumped up lightly, floating, slowly, down... onto the gravekeeper's rooftop. A strange blue and black wraith invisible to most, I sat there, legs crossed, and stared out over the quiet graves. I listened to the wind. Just... thinking.

For once, I felt at peace here. Mom was nearby and I was away from the bustle, away from all the people, even the dead ones. I wondered if I could just stay here forever. _Right place for it, _said one of the two voices in my head, which had been sounding more and more similar lately. What to think of that, I wasn't sure. But they were right, anyway.

And then came a voice that split through the quiet as insistently as it always had, a voice that genuinely startled me. "I knew I'd find you here, Ichigo!"

I whirled around...

And there was my father.

Without a body.

And in a Shinigami uniform.

He stood there simply, smiling at me knowingly. I opened my mouth, and then closed it again.

Finally, I spoke. "... What. The fuck."

"Come on, what kind of a greeting is that to give your old man after such an amazing entrance?!" Dad protested.

"You... you told us you never had reiatsu," I said disbelievingly.

"For a long time, I didn't. I lost my Shinigami powers for a while and decided to stay here in the living world," my Dad admitted. He sat down beside me, eyeing me sideways warily. I didn't think I'd ever seen my Dad seem... nervous, about anything before. "That's how I ended up marrying your mother. It's only recently that I -"

"So... so, wait..." I couldn't wrap my head around this one. And I'd wrapped my head around some weird shit. "You were _originally _a Shinigami?"

My Dad shrugged, looking at me steadily. "Yup."

"And you're telling me you've just been in a gigai, all this time?"

"You've got it. I always knew you were a smart kid." Holy shit. My _Dad _was being _sarcastic _about this!

I shot to my feet. "So why didn't you ever tell us?! All this time, wondering why we were so weird, and you never -?!"

My Dad looked away. "... I was trying to make your lives be as normal as possible," he said gruffly, and he smiled with a manic kind of determinedness out into the graveyard, in the direction of my Mom.

I thought about this, and then sat down slowly. "Well, no offense," I said at last. "But that didn't work out so great."

We looked at each other - and then we both looked away, suddenly trying not to laugh. What a weird turn in the conversation.

"Yeah," my Dad said, humor in his voice, "I'd _noticed._" He turned to look at me. His face worked, and then he said at last, forcedly, "Ichigo, I'm sor -"

"Don't worry about it." He closed his mouth, looking at me in confusion. For some reason, out of all the reactions I'd had to dying, aside from that one moment in Urahara's anger hadn't really been one of them. "I grow powers fast. I go through reactions fast. Apparently," I said dryly. "Now I'm just... tired."

Dad took this in, and nodded. "You ready to go back?" he asked evenly.

I whirled around to look at him, standing quickly. "Dad, I can't go back," I said. "You need to - Shit, you have to take care of Karin! She's injured, you know! And apologize to my friends - I - I kept all this away from them all this time to protect them, and it's just turned out -"

"Ichigo, you can say that for yourself. When you go back," said Isshin, standing as well, frowning. Almost confused. "If I might ask, what's the huge problem with going to the Soul Society? It's where I came from, you know."

I swallowed. "I know," I said. "Now. And I can respect that. But - but -"

"But _what_?" Dad asked impatiently, almost angry.

"I don't know!" I exploded, and then suddenly I was left with no words. I stood there, staring at him, worn out... deflated, oddly. "Dad," I asked suddenly, as I hadn't since I was very small, "... what do I _do?"_

The minute I'd said it, I felt stupid. He'd just told me what to do. And he was going to tell me to toughen up, like he used to when I was little. And then I realized why I felt so pathetic; I'd been the son of a Shinigami and _fighting _had made me _cry._

But my Dad said something I didn't expect. Calmly, he replied, "You just take it one day at a time." I paused. Staring at him. Reluctantly hopeful. "Look, I..." He looked away. "Your mother was an immigrant from Germany. I never told you that, did I? And she moved to Japan to be with family, some distant relatives. We met each other when I lost my powers coming down here after a mission. I took her name - Kurosaki translates into something else in German, but Kurosaki was what she was known as in Japan - and she, she and Urahara - they helped me adjust to living here. But even they only knew so much. She and I, we went through a lot, trying to navigate a whole new world together. I wish you had someone like that, like your sisters would, but you don't.

"But I can tell you now what I learned then: you just have to take it one day at a time. Focus on now. Ichigo, you can't run from..." He swallowed, as if this was hard to say. "... From _death... _forever. Is there really any point in running from the Shinigami?"

"... No. But - but Dad!" I said urgently. "I want to protect my home, I want to -"

"So how else could you achieve that?" He looked at me as if he already expected me to have some magical answer, which was at least a little more normal.

I tried to think, but my actual thoughts were scattered. "I... I guess I could become an official Shinigami, and request to be sent down here on patrols, or something..."

Dad threw up his hands. "There you go!" he said, exasperated. "You just figured it out! Ichigo..." He looked at me sarcastically. "That's kind of what I was thinking."

I stared, my mind working. I could - then the separation would only be temporary. That was doable. "Do you... do you think it would work?" I asked slowly.

"I think it's worth a try," said my Dad. "Besides..." And here, he smiled. "There are some very guilty and confused humans who I think you need to talk to."

My eyes widened. Tatsuki. Karin. Yuzu.

I hadn't thought of that.

"Which means, inevitably... I have to go back," I said in realization, staring unseeingly ahead of myself.

"Don't worry, Daddy will protect you!" Dad cheered, weird till the end.

"Great," I said unenthusiastically, and he rolled his eyes at me, saying I was no fun.

But in the end, it did actually made me feel better.

* * *

On our walk back, I kept my cloak on. I gave my Dad my things, including Kon's mod pill. "Just in case I can't get back," I said urgently, my face hard. I kept the Substitute Shinigami badge with me, but with my cloak on, its powers seemed to have been removed. As soon as I took it off... that would all change. The shadows cloaking us, we walked back toward the city and stopped in an alleyway.

"I should go. As soon as you take the cloak off, they will come," said my father, as if echoing my thoughts.

"You can't stay...?" I asked, turning to him instinctively, worried.

"I abandoned my post." My father winced. "The reaction... will not have been kind."

There was so much more I wanted to ask him, so much I wanted to say, but I nodded. "Go," I said seriously, and for once, just as seriously, he obeyed. I watched him turn the corner, and then, taking a deep breath, I took the cloak off and stowed it in a pocket. Barely had I moved to complete this action when I felt my reiatsu blanket the city. People were on me in seconds.

Rukia grabbed one arm, Renji grabbed the other, Byakuya was standing in front of me, and several people were standing on perches above, including Madarame, Yumichika, Matsumoto, and Hitsugaya. I grinned reluctantly into their unamused faces.

"Hey, guys," I said. "Long time, no see. This all for me?"

"Long time, no see?!" Renji's face twisted, and then he shoved me away. He seemed a little annoyed, to put it lightly. "What does that even _mean?! _Ichigo! You died and then you disappeared?! What happened -?!"

But I saw, as if in slow motion, something happen from above. I saw the boy, Hitsugaya, look up, across the city - I saw his eyes widen - and as I felt out, I knew, instinctively, that my father was hiding nearby. Worried for me, he hadn't left. I opened my mouth to shout out something, I saw Hitsugaya reach for the sword at his back, I saw anger form over his face -

"Sit upon the frozen heavens, _Hyourinmaru_!" And -

Holy shit. It really was a fucking dragon.

Both magnificent and elegant, a dragon made of ice, it burst out of the sword and flew directly toward the place my father was hidden. Rukia and Renji looked upward, they shouted out in surprise, and this was all I needed to burst out of their grip and fly up, hold Zangetsu's broad side out, defending my father from the blast. So, by the way?

Even when you're defending yourself, getting hit by Hyourinmaru really fucking hurts.

I was shoved backward along the air level as a gigantic impact of ice that kept coming and coming smashed into Zangetsu's sword, hurting my hands from the grip and the sharp spikes of ice, which flew out along the blade and froze everything they touched. I felt Zangetsu cry out in involuntary surprise as his entire length was frozen. Finally, I skidded to a stop; I saw all the Shinigami in a row before me on the opposing side; I heard the distant call from my father below me, concerned, "Ichigo!"

"Dad, run, I can't hold him back very long -!" I called back through gritted teeth, straining, struggling... aaand he didn't move. Damnit, _now _he took the time not to listen to me?

"Kurosaki, that man is a fugitive, he abandoned the Soul Society -!" Hitsugaya Toshiro began sharply.

"I know who he is!" I yelled back before I could stop myself. "_That man's my father!"_

There was a complete, stunned silence from the staring Shinigami.

Then, from Rukia in a small voice, "... You're a Shiba?"

"Wait - what?" I turned to stare at her. Her eyes were very big.

"Shiba Isshin," she said, worried. "The head of the Shiba family. An orphan. He abandoned the Soul Society in the middle of Captain's duty, and his cousins were sentenced to exile."

_Shiba Kaien... was my cousin? Ganjyuu and Kuukaku... are my cousins?_

As the two groups stared at each other, equally shocked, Hyourinmaru's ice slowly retracted back into Hitsugaya Toshiro's sword. "He was our senior in command," Matsumoto Rangiku said slowly, warily. She and her Captain were eyeing me in surprise, as if... as if they had never really seen me before.

That was why he'd looked angry. Not out of indignation. Out of betrayal.

As if sensing my thought, Toshiro's face darkened. He held himself together carefully, cold, tight. "He deserves to be in jail," he said simply.

My mind spun, fast. "And that can't change... even if... even if I come to you willingly?" I asked suddenly. "Even if you take me instead?" I stepped forward.

Surprise again passed across the row of Shinigami. "Ichigo, what are you saying?" Ikkaku asked at last, carefully.

"Would you be willing to be punished for your father's crimes?" Byakuya asked, and his eyes were narrowed, assessing. "... Does he deserve your protection?"

I thought about it, and swallowed. "My father's made a lot of mistakes," I admitted first, because that was easiest. Then I thought of family trips to the beach when I was little, of our conversations in Mom's graveyard. "But he's still my father." I let out a shot of reiatsu, shattering the ice from my sword; I looked up determinedly. "And no matter what he did, he absolutely deserves my protection."

Then I bowed, and pointedly, I kept my head down. My neck out, awaiting. I heard Rukia gasp softly, and I saw her feet step forward, and I saw someone hold her back.

I just... waited to see what would happen.

Then there was a flash step, and my father was next to me; he slapped me on the back and I stumbled forward. "He's kidding, of course!" said my father in a falsely cheery voice. "I keep telling this kid to die after me, but he seems pretty determined not to listen."

I looked up, flushing, furious. "Dad!" I hissed. "You should be gone already! You have to take care of my sisters!"

Dad stepped forward anyway, stubborn, almost as determined as I was. "No son of mine is going to be punished for my crimes," he said steadily.

The Shinigami looked at each other. "Yes," Byakuya said at last. "That is quite correct. He will not be." Byakuya looked between me and my father, at my pleading face. I thought I saw him glance at Rukia briefly and wondered if he, too, thought of my sisters. Then, as though he had seniority - which, come to think of it, he probably did - Byakuya said to my father, "Go. But Commander Yamamoto will be informed of this. Standard protocol, of course," he said, as if catching himself.

My father stepped back, letting out a breath, as if surprised. "I always knew I liked you," he said, grinning, and Byakuya's eyes narrowed.

"Dad," I muttered, "take the hint." And Dad turned away.

Toshiro had looked away angrily, much more open than the boy who wouldn't speak of before. But at last, as he watched my father turn away, he said, "... Why did you leave?" As if he couldn't quite help himself.

My father looked back, and smiled sadly. "Sorry," he said, shrugging. "But I met a beautiful lady, and I just couldn't let her go."

Toshiro and Rangiku looked surprised. And then, amusedly, exasperated. "Typical," said Rangiku.

"No," I said quietly. "She wasn't."

Everyone looked at me in surprise. And then they stared between us. In realization.

"Kurosaki -" Renji began curiously.

"Is a made up name," I finished, smiling slightly. "A made up name everyone in my family now happens to share."

Dad looked down and smiled, and only I could see it, but for a moment it was as if we were on the same page. Then he flash stepped away.

"Wait... so..." Ikkaku seemed to be trying to get his head around this one.

"So I'm going to Soul Society with you," I said firmly. "I'm becoming a Shinigami. And then I'm becoming a Shinigami who's stationed in Karakura."

"That may be a lot of work," Rukia cautioned.

I looked at her in surprise. "You know me," I said simply. "Whatever it takes."

And, to my surprise, she wasn't the only person in the line that smiled. "Yes," said Byakuya dryly, "we had noticed that tendency about you. You are not your father, it appears."

I opened my mouth - and closed it again. Looking away. The instinct to dislike my father warred with the instinct that loved him. (Wow. Sappy.) "There are a couple of differences," I muttered at last.

I couldn't tell what they thought in the silence. "Do not think this changes anything," Yumichika said at last, decisively. "You are still ugly."

"He's not ugly, he's just se -" Everyone turned around to Rukia in surprise; she blushed furiously and looked down. "... He's not ugly."

I snorted. I had no idea what she was about to say, but 'he's not ugly' appeared to be the ringing endorsement. "Thanks," I said. Then, "... Can I say goodbye?"

And then, perhaps as if reminded of my father, they let me.

* * *

So, the first thing I did was call everybody over. Ochi, Mizuiro, Keigo, Tatsuki, Inoue, Chad, Ishida, my sisters, Kon back in his lion body, and my father. And then we all sat down around our kitchen table and had a big goddamn talk.

It was time.

"What are we all doing here?" Ochi-sensei asked, looking around herself. "And where's Ichigo?"

Oh, right. She thought that chair was empty. Mizuiro and Ochi both looked confused. Everyone else looked in my direction, where they'd been staring at my new appearance. I sighed, and reached out, touching each of their wrists lightly. All of a sudden, they could see me. Ochi sat back, gasping; Mizuiro stared, transfixed

I winced. Well. It could have been worse.

"Hi, everybody," I said. "I'll start with the confessions. Just thought you should know: I'm dead."

Then I sat back and waited for the fireworks.

There was a pause. Then:

"_Holy shit!" _

_"You're dead?!"_

"Everybody calm down!"

"I have to be hallucinating!"

"Why is that lion talking?!"

"I'm so sorry I didn't tell you sooner!"

And so it continued, on and on, for a long time. Once everybody had calmed the hell down - mostly because I stood up and shouted at them - a heavy silence fell over the table. "I said I'd start with the confessions," I said, glaring around at everybody. And then, quieter: "I will."

And so I started my story. I told them - well, not everything. But the important parts.

Everybody was staring around at each other when I was done.

"So you're telling me," Keigo finally said weakly, "that _everyone _here suspected there was something weird about the way Ichigo was disappearing randomly and running around in black robes?"

"I should have been there!" said Tatsuki passionately, slamming a fist against the table. "I could have helped you fight the Soul Society! Maybe then you wouldn't have had to -" She looked down, guiltily.

"I'm sorry, Ichi-nii," Karin said in a small voice, also looking down. She was bandaged up pretty bad, at the moment. "I messed up. And Yuzu. I'm sorry for not telling you, too." They hugged.

"Neither of you have anything to feel guilty over," I said fiercely, sitting forward, knowing how paralyzing guilt could be. "It probably would have happened eventually anyway. I -" I looked away. "I can get into some pretty dangerous stuff," I said quietly. "And I just thought, it might be better at this point. If you knew.

"Besides..." I looked up sheepishly. "I was already technically dead."

Ochi glared at me. "Not. Any. Better," she intoned.

"Kurosaki-kun, I can't believe you're leaving," said Inoue, looking pained and torn.

"I should have been there; I should have gotten it," said Chad, slamming a massive hand on the table.

"And you, Dad! You let this happen! I can't believe you were ever anyone that cool!"

"Well, honey, I was just -"

Yuzu went to storm away from the table, Kon was hiding underneath my knee, Dad looked like something physically pained him as he stared after his atypically angry daughter, and I felt the need to say again, "Stop!"

Everyone turned hurriedly to look at me, like I was injured or something. "I'm fine," I said, letting out a slow breath. "But... I'm going to be gone for a while. And when I get back, I'm not going to age or go about a normal life like the rest of you. It's - it's _not _goodbye," I added, my fists clenching. "That's what it's _not. _But... I'm not going to be around... for a while."

Karin looked at me, her face working. Then she stood up, and paused. "How do I... how do I hug you?" she asked in a small voice.

My eyes stinging, I hurried around the kitchen table and hugged her, hard. "You be good," I said. "You guys and Don Kanonji know how to destroy those Hollows, right?" Karin nodded into my shoulder, and then Yuzu came over and I hugged her too, and okay now it was kind of sappy.

But, looking down at my sisters for a moment, I couldn't say I really minded that much.

At last, I stood, looking around at them all - at my family. Because really, that's what they all were. And I was going to something far beyond any of their reach.

"Keep the cloak." It was the first time Ishida had spoken, and everyone looked around at him in faint surprise. "Just in case," he said darkly, legs crossed and face reserved.

"Keep the charm," Dad said next. "It can create a barrier and lead me to you. That's why I gave it to you. But you should probably give the badge back; it's..."

"A tracker. Yeah," I said, my lips twitching. "I... kind of figured."

"Wait, what are we going to do about... the funeral...?" Ochi stared around at everyone as the logistical impossibilities started going through her head.

"Not yet," I said. "There's one thing I have to ask Urahara and his associates for first." I looked down dubiously at Kon... who brightened slowly.

"... Do you mean..." he began, "that I'm getting a...?"

I sighed. "Yeah, Kon," I said, pained. "I can't believe I'm saying this. But you might just be getting a body."

He had all but promised to protect them when I was gone, after all.

* * *

The funeral was... weird. For one thing, my grave was next to Mom's, and for another, the funeral director went on and on about what an amazing person I'd been. Asshole didn't even know me. Me and the other Shinigami sent out to retrieve me were floating there above the grave and the funeral, eyeing it all - some with distaste, others with barely disguised curiosity. I wasn't sure how to feel.

Everyone gathered there below in black, huddled against the wind, knew I was still there. But everyone gathered there also looked so utterly... sad.

I felt like breaking the mood by being funny, and for the first time I felt like I understood my father.

Eventually, thinking of something, I turned to Rukia and motioned to ask her for her drawing pad. Curious, she took it out and handed it over to me. I began drawing, and then I held up a series of papers showing black balloons. Fighting back a smile, I set them in a row above my grave.

Keigo noticed it first, getting the old party reference and then trying not to laugh. Don Kanonji gave me the thumbs up. Dad looked down, attempting solemnity, which didn't work. Tatsuki and Ishida gave me twin looks of exasperation (which was kind of eerie to see, if I'm being completely honest), Inoue giggled, and Chad's lips twitched ever so slightly. Karin and Yuzu hadn't taken their eyes off my actual form floating above the grave the entire time the funeral had been going on. Ochi Misato and Mizuiro couldn't see it, so after a moment, I walked around the group standing by the grave, and put a hand on each of their shoulders. I saw them brighten considerably. Ochi-sensei had been near tears; I felt guilt well up within me and tried to dampen it a little.

There was one person standing there who even Rukia didn't recognize, a teenage boy with short, scrubby red hair, slightly inhuman looking dark eyes, and a thin, mischievous face reminiscent of a weasel's. Urahara & Associates had called Kon's body my 'going away present.' (I took the time there to warn a defensive and mocking Jinta away from Yuzu.) Still unused to his new form and to feeling included, Kon stood there at the back, staring around at everyone uncertainly. Despite all his previous teasing of me, he carried a book bag with a certain stuffed animal inside.

Then he looked sideways at Inoue's rack, smirked, and made a hand motion at me, and I glared and flipped him off because I knew he'd be okay.

At the end, I'd had a special job for him. The minute the official funeral was finished, Kon walked right over to the funeral director with jarring cheer, slapping a hand on his shoulder. "Walk with me, sir! You look like a man who knows construction!"

"We-well," the poor funeral director said, startled, "well, I really don't -"

Kon hauled him away anyway. He smirked back over the man's shoulder, and I put my hand up in a silent wave.

Everyone made a black sort of huddle around me, but the mood was still somber at best; no one seemed to know what to say. Finally, Tatsuki said it best: "... If you die up there, I'm killing you." She glared for effect.

I fought back another smile. "Somehow, I don't doubt it," I said.

A throat cleared above me. I looked up. Rukia was in the lead, smiling, but Byakuya, Renji, Ikkaku, Yumichika, Toshiro, and Rangiku were there behind her. "It has been time enough, I think," Renji said dryly.

"Are you ready now, Ichigo?" Rukia asked. She held out her hand.

And abruptly I felt shy, uncertain, like I hadn't in years. I took a deep breath, my pack of things over my shoulder, and I took the hand anyway. "Ready," I said.

Rangiku put her sword into the air, and into the space crafted came a rice paper screen door. Amusingly, the first thing my friends did was gasp.

The hell moths flying around me, I felt a strange moment of peace as I stepped through and into the world beyond.

* * *

Author's Note: Isshin needed to be released a little earlier in order for this to do what I wanted it to do.

Rukia was going to say "sexual." She meant he was sexual instead of conventionally attractive. She realized what she was about to say and changed her mind. Blame the influence of those horrible living world books she used to read.


	4. If You Wait For It

_"Your time will come,_

_If you wait for it,_

_If you wait for it._

_It's hard, believe me, I've tried."_

_- "Amsterdam" by Imagine Dragons_

* * *

_Chapter Three: If You Wait For It_

The Shinigami's journey to the Soul Society was much nicer. I merely walked down a narrow stone passageway, through another rice paper screen, and down into an office, which was shrouded in darkness because of the late hour. But I knew what it looked like. I'd been to offices like these before. It was an upper Division office, one for the Captain and Vice Captain. There were two opposing desks, a window behind them, some furniture like a table and couch further out in the room, and off to the side was a set of rice paper screens leading out to a porch that overlooked a space, of grass and some trees in this case. Judging by that and the number over the entrance door, these were the tenth division offices, which made sense: Matsumoto Rangiku had sent us here.

My power stretched and relaxed into the atmosphere of the Soul Society, suddenly more at ease. An unseen tension I hadn't been aware I possessed leaked out from my shoulders.

The others followed in after me, and the door - my last link to the living world for a while - disappeared. Ikkaku stretched and yawned. "I'm going to bed," he said. "Following this idiot around is exhausting."

His intended insult backfired because it reminded me of something. "Hey, where will I be staying? You all have barracks or private houses in the Seireitei to go to, right? What, do you want me to sleep on the couch?" I was actually serious; I shoved my thumb behind me. I'd slept in weirder places and had learned how to fall asleep pretty much anywhere.

Rukia seemed to think of something and turned to her brother. "Nii-sama, could we -?" I took it she meant my staying at the Kuchiki manor, a sprawling set of grounds with huge, traditional-looking buildings set around it. I had never actually seen the inside.

Byakuya was as usual hard to read. "For someone to show up unannounced and uninvited would be -" He paused.

I took it as one of those weird tradition things. "It's fine. Like I said. Couch."

"You cannot sleep on the couch when there's no one else around." That came from Hitsugaya Toshiro.

"Why not?" Rangiku asked. "I do it all the time."

Toshiro seemed exasperated. "You're the Vice Captain," he pointed out, a little annoyed. He looked me up and down for a moment. "... You can sleep on a pallet in my quarters," he said at last, and it was hard to tell what he was feeling.

"... Thanks," I said slowly, though somehow I had an intuition that this was not a friendly request. Like with my not being able to say goodbye to Rukia privately that short time ago, it seemed more like a trust issue.

* * *

The two of us passed through the wooden halls and past the doors of what had to be the lower offices. The corridors were lit with what looked like oil lamps in the dimness, throwing shadows on the walls. We passed out of this building and went down a long walkway with a roof above, the sides bare to reveal a quiet green grounds.

I glanced over at the boy walking beside me. He was very young; his cloak shorter than the other Captains' and yet still reaching his ankles, his sword strapped to his back instead of at his side, and he barely looked older than thirteen. But there was something about him that seemed very expressionless and adult. I remembered Rukia telling me that Hitsugaya Toshiro, like Ise Nanao, had started being a Shinigami at a very young age. I wondered if that was why they both seemed so... stiff.

"Can I help you with something?"

I was startled. "What?"

"You were staring," said Toshiro dryly.

"Oh." That was a little embarrassing. But actually, I did have something worth asking. "Umm... Toshiro?"

"It's Hitsugaya-taicho," he corrected me, a bit annoyed again. "Just because I am young, that doesn't mean I'm not still a Captain."

"I wasn't trying to imply that. I just... call everyone by their first name?" Was he always this easily offended?

"Hm. Nevertheless."

I tried to push on, a little unsure. "Anyway... What's going to happen to me now?"

"Now, the Captain Commander and the newly elected Central 46 will be informed of your presence and they will decide what to do with you," said Toshiro simply.

"So a bunch of old guys are going to sit around and talk about me?"

For the first time, Toshiro smirked, seeming slightly amused. "Essentially," he confirmed.

I wasn't sure I liked that. "Well, that sounds... surprisingly ominous."

He threw me a sharp sideways glance. "You don't trust them?" And then the amused boy was gone and there was a distrustful captain again. Yup, I'd been right. Another Mizuiro.

"I don't know them," I pointed out, irritated. "Why on earth would I trust them?" I didn't put my faith in people I couldn't look in the eye. It was a personal policy of mine.

Then it was time for silence as we walked into another building and through the barracks hallways. I couldn't tell what _Hitsugaya-taicho _thought of my answer, but he probably distrusted me even more now. Great.

The Captain's quarters were small and neat, with a bed, a bedside stand with a basin of water, a small attached bathroom, and a bookcase by the door. Exhaustion was starting to set in. Trying to stave it off, I splashed some water on my face by the basin and then went over to look at the spines of the books.

"Over here." I looked around. He'd laid a pallet with a blanket out for me in a far corner of the room. I walked over. "Stay there," he commanded, sort of like I was a dog, and then he turned around to get himself ready.

"Can I look at the boo -?"

"No." The reply was flat, terse, irritated.

I sighed as I watched him. Never one to beat around the bush, I finally demanded in growing annoyance, "Hey... do you have a problem with me?"

There was a pause. Stiffly, he said, "I apologize if I gave you that impression."

Remembering the angry boy before my father, I said boldly, "Bullshit. I think you're a prickly little asshole and you've got a problem with me." If he did have one, he should tell me about it so I could do something about it.

Hitsugaya whirled around, glaring; the temperature dropped about ten degrees. "Don't insult me and I'm not little!"

I raised an eyebrow, waiting.

He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and opened them again. "I... apologize," he admitted at last, and looked away. "I don't trust you. I have no reason to trust you. You stole Kuchiki Rukia's powers for unknown reasons, invaded the Seireitei and took out half of the Eleventh division, died against a common Hollow, and after running you evaded capture or tracking from the Shinigami for several hours. To trust you would not make sense. It's nothing personal."

"I'm also my father's son," I gathered.

He watched me sideways for a moment. "Captain Shiba acted like an idiot, but he was a good Captain," Toshiro said at last. "Or he would have been, had he not left."

"And no one knows why." Not even me. "So... I'm a curiosity," I guessed. "I thought so. That's why I kept the badge."

Toshiro's eyes widened slightly; he looked at me fully, discerningly. "You knew it was a -?"

"Tracker?" I smiled, half a smirk. "Yeah, I kind of figured."

Toshiro studied me in silence as if I were some strange foreign species.

"You may give it back tomorrow," he said, and it sounded like an admittance.

* * *

I was woken the next morning by a pillow being thrown at my face. I started and sat my head up, wiping away the drool quickly, to find Hitsugaya Toshiro glaring at me flatly. He seemed even grumpier early in the morning. Amusingly, there was no discernible difference made to his hair.

"Get up," he said, and walked away.

I did some basic hygiene stuff, but there was only so much I could do, in my state. I still had my little pack of things with me, but they did not include clothes; I hadn't seen the point in not dressing like everybody else. All I had for now was my blood stained Shinigami uniform. Zangetsu was pointed eerily upward by my bedside; I took him and tied him to my back.

"Ready," I said.

I was led through the sparse white Shinigami section of Seireitei to the building that housed the meeting hall. I started trying to memorize directions on my way over; if I was going to be staying here for a while, I couldn't be wandering around like an idiot all the time. At the steps to the meeting hall building, Hitsugaya Toshiro stayed and I continued upward, feeling very alone, through the door, down a long gleaming hallway with windows on one side, to the set of double doors on the other.

I knocked and went through them when bidden to do so. The meeting hall was both long and tall; I'd hoped it was just me and Yamamoto, but I suddenly rescinded that hope when I saw that actually was all it was, in that big space. I had to walk all the way down the hall to him, my footsteps echoing.

Trying not to be nervous or pissed off, I knelt reluctantly.

He stood there above me, with his long grey beard and his aged face, his narrow eyes assessing. "Sir," I said, instead of calling him _-dono._

"Shiba Ichigo..."

Twitching, I felt like _Captain Hitsugaya _for a moment. "Kurosaki," I said, annoyed. "Kurosaki Ichigo."

"Hmph. Your father is a traitor," Yamamoto intoned, like this was some great and certain piece of wisdom.

I gritted my teeth. "My father is a good man."

"... Perhaps," Yamamoto allowed at last. Maybe it was a big thing for him, to admit a person could be both. "So you are set to become a Shinigami -"

"In Karakura, I hope." No use in not putting a good word in, but Yamamoto snapped, annoyed.

"Don't interrupt! Where you are stationed is no concern of mine. Your request has been processed," he added loftily.

I _really _didn't like this. At all. In fact, I hadn't felt welcome or comfortable since I'd gotten here.

"Do you have something to say?" Yamamoto asked, calmly, but there was something heavy and dark behind the words.

As a matter of fact, I did. "Yes, _sir," _I returned, and it was in that moment that I think we both knew he and I were never really going to get along. Yamamoto took in a deep breath, his nostrils flaring. Quickly, while I could still get the words out: "I'll tell you the same thing I told Kuchiki Rukia. I'll only do this until I feel I have no reason to do it anymore. I think that's fair."

"Are you threatening to desert, as your father did?!" Yamamoto's eyes widened slightly, and it was entirely intimidating; all of a sudden, his voice boomed from the walls.

"I'd do anything, if I felt I should," I said, trying not to sound like too much of an idealist.

"I do not feel you're in any place to be making ultimatums, _boy_," Yamamoto emphasized, and I was reminded that this man had been around for centuries. As in, multiple.

"I just felt I should be honest," I said sarcastically before I could stop myself. "You know what they say, honesty's the best policy. Your former captains could have done with a little more of that."

Yamamoto then did something surprising; he just looked at me for a moment. I'd expected anger. "I cannot tell," the Captain Commander said at last, "if you have spunk or if you are just insane."

"I'm both," I assured him. "So where will I be assigned?"

And then Yamamoto chuckled. "You're getting a bit ahead of yourself," he said, and I was confused. Almost dreading. "You see, the council has spoken. On paper, no one can be a Shinigami without having graduated from the Shinigami training school, Shino Academy. Therefore, _that _is where you will be assigned first.

I half stood up before I could stop myself. "I'm really being sent back to school because of a _bureaucratic technicality?" _I asked disbelievingly.

"Is there a problem?" The words were almost menacing, which apparently was possible even when a person was extremely calm.

"Well, I just - I've already done it all!"

"Not _all _of it, surely. There must be some things you missed?" I thought of kidou. Control. Stealth. And then I shut the hell up. "Take the time to focus on that. A representative from the Academy will be waiting outside to take you there; you are dismissed." Yamamoto waved a hand.

I could have pitched a fit, but some newer, stabler voice in the back of my head told me not to. _Maybe he has a point, _the voice said.

I still wasn't sure I liked that little voice.

* * *

The boy who was waiting outside for me was dressed in what had to be the school uniform, a blue and white version of the Shinigami's uniform with a circle on the chest. Could have been worse. At least I wouldn't look completely retarded.

"I'm the head of the class and I'm here to lead you to the school!" he said with a big, cheerful smile, stepping forward. So he was a goodie two shoes. Great. Not that I could complain, I supposed, I'd been one of the highest in the class back at home too.

"Yeah, the old man told me," I said casually, pointing back over my shoulder, and the boy choked. "Oh, sorry. Am I not supposed to call him that?" Somehow, I couldn't be too concerned.

The boy laughed nervously and scooted a little farther away from me.

As we walked across to the grounds, he told me his name was Rikaru, and followed that up with a bunch of insistent, eager questions. Had I really stolen my powers? Had I really defeated all those people? Why had I saved Kuchiki Rukia? He was kind of nosy. I hoped this much interest wasn't going to be the norm.

"Hey, aren't I supposed to be the one who's asking the questions?" I asked at last.

Rikaru recovered himself. "W-well, yes, I just thought - I mean, this is all a formality for you, yes?"

"I guess..." I still couldn't completely tell, though. I frowned in thought.

"You will probably get through straight away," said Rikaru, nodding. "Oh." He paused. "Can you read and write?"

I stared at him. "Yeah..."

"Oh, good," he said relieved. "Because some people who have to take those classes really struggle with that."

* * *

The campus was wide and green, scattered with tall buildings with pointed, tiled eaves. I was led into one, down a hallway and into a room where an official-looking blonde woman sat across from me at a desk. She gave no reaction when I sat down across from her, something I was, at least, grateful for.

"Let's get started, then," she said, and she reached down underneath the desk and took out some weird sort of instrument that had to have come from the twelfth division. It looked like one of those old fashioned alcohol thermometers, but the liquid was green and attached to it were two wires with clips on the ends.

"What the hell is that?" I asked politely, deciding to voice my thoughts.

The woman looked up in surprise. "You... weren't told why you were coming here?"

"Nope. No fucking idea." She gave me an odd look. Then she sighed and rolled her eyes.

"Useless," I thought I heard her mutter.

"Curious," I returned. "So he was kind of on the wrong end of the conversation."

"So I imagine," she returned, and took a deep breath. "Okay, so this is the entrance exam. You just have to be tested for sufficient reiatsu to enter the school. That's what this device does."

"I have to be tested? I mean, you can't...?" I began awkwardly. I wasn't sure how to tell her that most people I knew told me my reiatsu signature was about as subtle as an elephant.

"We are all aware that you have enough reiatsu to become a Shinigami, Kurosaki-san," the woman said dryly. "This is just a formality."

I debated for a moment. "... Thanks," I said at last.

Her eyes widened slightly. "For what?" Ah, the innocent look. How cute.

"For calling me by my actual surname," I said wryly.

"You did not grow up here. You are not one of us. To call you as such would make no sense," she said simply, blunt and businesslike. I decided I liked her, despite the fact that she'd just confirmed for me what everyone else seemed to be thinking.

I didn't belong here. Yeah, I was kind of getting that aura.

So at her request, I rolled down my sleeve, put out my arm, and she pinched my skin between the clips. Then she watched the thermometer thingie. "I assume you know how to move your reiatsu," she said, and didn't wait for me to respond. "Channel some in the direction of your arm."

I decided to try to make it really small. I tentatively pulled a little bit away from my soul world, the center inside my chest. I could feel both the souls in there scorn in amusement what I was trying to do, each in their different ways, but I pointedly ignored them. I fed the little bit of reiatsu into my arm.

The liquid shot all the way up through the top of the thermometer, the glass shattered and went everywhere, and smoking green liquid spilled all over the desk top. The blonde woman had jumped back and stared down at the ruins of the measurer, bewildered.

There was a moment of silence.

"... So," I said with a straight face, "does that mean I'm in?"

* * *

The woman claimed she had never had that happen before (well, wasn't I special then?) and she assigned me to class one. Apparently, people were put in tiered classes based on the amount of force their soul had, and class one was the highest I could go.

I was led from there to an office in a different building, the one of my class leader and advisor, Onabara-sensei. The first time I saw Onabara-sensei, I nearly laughed. Nearly. It was a close thing. Imagine a big dirt hill leading out to a flat cliff at the top. Imagine a coconut perched on top of that hill.

That was what my advisor looked like.

He handed me a set of uniforms and course materials; he then forced me to stand at attention and expressionless before him. I was not endeared.

He stood there before me, looking me over stiffly, stern. A permanent scowl seemed to be etched upon his features. In my mind, I drew a frowny face on the coconut, and _holy shit laughing now would be really bad. _"Is something funny, cadet?" Onabara-sensei asked in a way that seemed vaguely menacing.

"No, sir," I insisted hurriedly. "I'm just so full of joy to be attending your fine institution."

So, I'll give this to him: his head may have been tiny, but he understood sarcasm. I got a glare. "Many people are excited to have you be here," he said. "I think you're dangerous. I don't like the looks of you. It is my and the other teachers' job to change that and make you into a dutiful Shinigami."

Gag. "I'll keep that in mind, sir," I said instead of insulting him. See? I was being good.

"See that you do," said Onabara-sensei, still eyeing me suspiciously. "... Go."

* * *

Among my materials had been a key, a dorm room number, and a form to fill out to sign up for classes. I was a little late, apparently; most students had already arrived. Outside, I could see some wandering around or sitting underneath trees in the faint sunlight, mostly older students in their school uniforms. The age range was bizarre; some looked in their thirties, but I swear one kid was either a serious midget or not more than five. Take your pick.

So, the first thing I did was get lost trying to find my dorm, quite determinedly and in splendid fashion. I could see it coming as it happened. And then there I was, wandering down some random street with something that looked vaguely like a school building on one side and an official building for the Fourth Division on the other. Hadn't these people ever heard of road signs?

I stopped a couple of passing female Shinigami: looked about fourteen, had probably been around for at least a hundred years. You know, the basics. They stared at me in confusion for a moment - Shinigami uniform, school uniforms in hand, traveling pack over my shoulder, gigantic fucking zanpakutoh - and then they shied away and giggled when they realized who I was. So at least that was vaguely normal and teenage girl ish, even if it did seem retarded.

"Look," I sighed, annoyed, "I just completed the annual ritual of Getting Lost on the First Day of School and I think I'm allowed to find where I'm supposed to live now. Can you tell me where.._. this _dormitory is?" I held up the piece of paper with the dorm, level, and number.

"Yeah, we can help you," one girl said eagerly, and the other bent forward to look at the piece of paper.

"It's that way," she pointed, "and then that way."

"Okay... thanks," I said, and as I walked off, I could hear them giggling as they stared after me again. Usually I'd wonder if I had toilet paper stuck to my shoe or something. But I remembered that one blonde chick saying people were really excited I was here, for some odd reason. Apparently that manifested itself in nonsensical giggling.

I kept my goal in my mind: I just had to get through this and find my way back to Karakura. I'd deal with the minor little detail that I was dead from there. Urahara was creative: surely he could create me a fake gigai and identity? I just had to get there. I just had to get there.

When I thought of my home, I didn't feel as alone. It was stupid, but it was also true.

I went down the long walkways, turned, squinted dumbly at signs a lot, and eventually I found my dormitory, going up the building's stairs and finding the correct room number. Taking a deep breath, I knocked. There was a bustling on the other side, and then the door opened and looking around the door from the other side with big, hesitant eyes was a boy with shaggy, dark hair. I figured he was my roommate.

"Ichigo," I said directly, holding out a hand and mentally daring him to be an asshole and not take it.

"... Atsushi," he said after a moment, and he shook my hand. Then he opened the door wider to let me in. I'd always had a personal space thing, but I learned pretty quickly I wouldn't get much in here. The room was tiny, with two beds set low to the floor taking up most of the space. Letting out a breath, I sat down slowly on the bed, and then began to take off all the shit I had hanging off of me.

"Sorry about coming in late," I said casually, looking sideways at Atsushi, who was standing in a corner and watching me hesitantly.

"Oh, um... it's okay." He looked away, seeming nervous. I was not sure why.

"Hey, uh - don't worry about it," I said at last, guessing that he had an issue with my reputation, and he looked over at me in surprise. "To you, I'm just some asshole." It was going to be embarrassing if that didn't turn out to be the real problem, but Atsushi smiled fakely in response.

"Uh, yes," he said. "Alright." He didn't seem like he believed me.

Then there was a loud knock on the door. "Hey," a male voice called out on the other side, "you coming?" I could hear the chatter of several people leaking through the doorway.

"I'm coming!" Atsushi called, more energetically, and I'd half stood up as if to go with them, but Atsushi gave me one hesitant glance and then slipped out the door, shutting it quickly behind him.

I glared at the door, unusually bothered. But this reminded me of something: when I'd started attending middle school more in my last year, I hadn't expected to make any friends. Tons of people who used to know me when I was a kid had flat-out rejected anything to do with me. And had I given a shit? No. I'd just kept on being me.

Maybe it was time for a little more of that again. I had a feeling I was even more widely known now than before.

* * *

It took a few days, but I signed up for classes and sure enough, just after that school started. By that point, I'd gotten semi-used to being in the new uniforms, and to the formal language and the people around me. Don't get me wrong, it was all still kind of weird, but the trick was to just kind of... relax into the weirdness and float along, I guess.

Never mind, that just sounds strange. Just take me at my word: I didn't fit in, but I looked like I fit in and I didn't let it bother me.

I'd missed the entrance ceremony because I'd been too busy being alive and all - yeah, like I cried a big bucket of tears over _that _- so classes began right away. I got a lot of stares. A _lot_ of them. And some whispering. Some classmates wanted to introduce themselves right away, others stayed away but stared from afar. It didn't help that my zanapkutoh's shikai was gigantic, advertising the fact that I already had one. I didn't want it sitting upward next to me in class and drawing attention to me - for some reason; people staring at me had never bothered me before - so I kept him in bankai most of the time during classes, a deceptively simple black sword attached to my belt line. (I tucked the cloak and clothes away, which annoyed Zangetsu.) It took a lot more reiatsu, but I told myself it was good endurance training. Also, for some reason I felt calmer in bankai, more... collected.

The classrooms were huge, lecture style, easily fitting at least fifty people, all the tiered rows leading down to a teacher with a blackboard below at the bottom. There were some required classes: swordsmanship, speed, hand to hand, kidou and bakuda, and Shinigami reports and history. You had to be able to read and write to take that one, which I tested out for. (Thank God, I'd only been learning reading since I was five.) In fact, I had a head start on pretty much everything; I even knew the beginning exercise for summoning reiatsu for kidou, from Ganjyuu.

You know what this meant?

That the first few days were really, really boring.

Later, we were assured, we'd get to the exciting parts, like konsoh and zanpakutoh! Which I already knew how to do. Completely fucking useless. And then of course, everyone turned to look at me when the teacher said those parts.

I decided to try out the training grounds, before finding out most of them were indoor buildings and just giving up. The outdoor stuff was for classes only. Do you have any idea how fast a Getsuga Tenshou could take down a _school building_? I mean, come on!

My one relief, my one hope, was that we were told we only had to be at the school for six months before we could take the final exam to test out. Others had tested out early before me. Among them were Shiba Kaien and Hitsugaya Toshiro. That sounded like exactly my thing.

Six months, I told myself. Six months.

There was the option of writing home to my family, but I had no idea how to reach them or even if I could, and I was afraid all I'd do was whine.

* * *

I took two electives - by force, not choice. One was in philosophy, and I almost debated not signing up for the other one. It was in haiku. But that was girly shit. But nothing else I saw really interested me. Finally, I decided to sign up tentatively. If I walked in and I was the only guy there, I always had another option: pretending I had the wrong room, running like hell, and never going back there again.

I decided that was my Plan B, and I fully expected to have to use it.

So the first day I had that class, I was on edge. Just a little bit.

So when I was in the mess hall, which was so horrifically normal it doesn't bear description and wasn't really up to my culinary standards anyway, and I bumped into a girl with short grey hair on my way out (I didn't eat where people were staring at me), I (mistakenly) snapped, "Watch where you're going," being a lot less polite than I normally would have been.

The girl called me out on my asshole behavior by tripping me, whirling me around, and punching me in the face.

I could have blocked her, but I was so surprised that I didn't.

"You watch where you're going!" the girl snapped. "I don't care who you are!" Then she set me back on my feet, pulled my robes neat again, and said, "And don't look so sloppy! Keep your footing!"

"Sorry," I said on autopilot, staring. "I tripped over something that looked suspiciously like a foot."

"I've heard of that," the girl gasped. "It's an epidemic and I hear it's going around the school! You should watch out." She smirked.

"Yeah, thanks, but it's a little late for that. Don't know how I'll recover." I realized I liked this girl. She was weird. 'My friends' weird.

"Maybe I can help." She smiled slightly and held out a hand. "Rae," she said.

"Ichigo," I returned and shook it.

"So I've heard," she admitted, and I winced. "At least it doesn't seem to have all gone to your head," she commiserated, placing one hand on her hip.

"Thanks," I said, deadpan, "that makes me feel loads better."

"Well, you turned out to be right in the end anyway, so who cares?" She shrugged.

"Philosophical," I replied, impressed.

She looked down at the class schedule in my hand. "Ooh, so I belong in your next class, it looks like!" She grinned.

I held the paper closer to myself, defensive. "Hey, don't look at that, it's mine!"

Rae rolled her eyes. "You sound like a little kid."

"I - I'll have you know that a person's class schedule is actually a fairly private piece of information!"

Rae looked at me skeptically, her lips pursed.

"Look, just -" I sighed, exasperated. "Can you please not tell anyone else? I don't want it getting out that I'm taking girly classes. Even if I was forced to," I added, for good measure.

Rae frowned. "What are you talking about? There is no gender division on class subjects like that."

I was caught off guard - and suspicious. I wasn't sure I believed her. "... What?" I asked at last, cautiously.

"It is an elegant thing to do. A lot of men take classes like that." She shrugged. "What is the problem?"

Wait, so was it a culture thing?

* * *

It turned out, when I walked into the classroom for haiku, that it was. There was a pretty even division in gender in the classroom. No one seemed nervous or embarrassed to be here. I sat down slowly at the back of the class, staring and staring around myself.

Well. Now I felt almost stupid. I wasn't sure I liked that.

But at least I wouldn't have to pretend I'd found the wrong room.

That was when I looked up to the front of the classroom and recognized someone. I perked up. "Hey! Kira Izuru!" I didn't know he taught classes.

Kira Izuru looked up, hesitantly. He was pale and thin and there were dark shadows under his eyes. He didn't look so good, actually. I stood up and went up to the front of the room to talk to him.

"Ah. Kurosaki Ichigo." He looked down. "We... regrettably, have never met."

"Yeah, no kidding. How are you feeling?"

He looked up at me, startled. I got the feeling that was one of those things I wasn't supposed to just ask someone I didn't know, or some bullshit like that.

I looked around and said, lower, "Look, Izuru, you really should - you know - eat. And sleep, maybe. A little more haiku and a little less worrying. Seriously, you look like death." I was tempted to recommend more drinking with Matsumoto, because he'd looked pretty happy back there.

"I... respect your concern, but find your questions very forward." His voice was weak, forced. Izuru looked down, hesitantly. "I... apologize."

"For what?" I asked, confused.

He looked up at me with big, mournful eyes. Okay, kind of weird, but whatever. I stood, waiting.

Then I realized, ridiculously late, that was just his normal expression.

And then things were just awkward.

"I... I don't know," he said at last, looking away, and I had a feeling I was just making him uncomfortable.

"Okay," I said at last, unsurely. "Well, let me know if you need anything..." I made my way back to my seat.

"... You know," a boy said, turning to look at me, after a while, "you really should fall him Kira-fukutaicho."

I snorted. "Yeah, sure. Thanks," I said sarcastically.

I'd probably just keep calling him Izuru.

* * *

I made sure to tell Kira Izuru on the way back out that I'd liked his class, even though it really only had been introductory. He perked up and seemed a little happier.

I made a mental note in the back of my head to tell him that _a lot. _You know, overdo it a little.

On my way back across the courtyard after classes, the evening sun setting behind me, something stupid happened. I'm talking, really, really stupid.

"Halt, Kurosaki Ichigo!" some kid behind me called dramatically. And as I paused, I could just feel it instinctively. I could _sense _the stupid.

I turned around, and there he was. Some kid with long brown hair tied into a ponytail, in a stance with a wooden sword in his hand, the kind they gave to people who knew nothing about swordsmanship and didn't have their zanpakutoh yet. He was glaring at me.

"Fight me!" he called. "I shall prove myself against you!"

Seriously? "No," I said flatly, just to see what he would do.

"You would refuse a challenge?" he cried, and then he came at me. Really slowly. People were staring - might as well give them a show.

I made a reiatsu trail around him, did the flash step in that direction, and before he could blink I was right behind him, yanking his sword back. He paused, stunned; I wrapped an arm around him, threw him to the ground, and grabbed his sword away from him. It felt kind of mean, but then he looked up at me, his face screwed up, and he yelled, "Fuck! Fuck!" And I was over it.

I bent over, holding the sword up, my lips twitching. "This?" I said. "You should be a little more careful with it." I threw it down next to him.

"I know how to use one!" He glared up at me. "I'm from the 68th district!"

"That sucks," I admitted.

"What?" He didn't even understand.

I sighed. "Never mind. You know what? See you later." I turned to leave.

"One day I will prove myself against you, Kurosaki Ichigo! Know my name, Nakamaru!" he called after me.

I looked back at him. "That's a weird name," I said matter of factly. At least he had spunk, but I'd never tell him that.

I walked away to leave and he chased me across the quad.

Great.

* * *

Author's Notes: Toshiro will get nicer as the story goes along.

Ichigo really doesn't cause his usual amount of trouble in this chapter. Don't worry, he'll revert back to his old ways soon enough.

There will be more about Ichigo in-class next chapter. I actually can't wait to show you guys what I have planned for him, but I guess you'll all just have to see. :)


	5. Colder

_"Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room._

_Memorize what it sounded like when your Dad gets home._

_Remember the footsteps, remember the words said,_

_And all your little brother's favorite songs._

_I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone._

_So here I am in my new apartment in the _

_Big city, they just dropped me off._

_It's so much colder than I thought it would be..."_

_- "Never Grow Up" by Taylor Swift_

* * *

_Chapter Four: Colder_

"The ideal Shinigami is duty bound. He takes no joy in battle, but does what he must do -"

"Sir!" I raised my hand.

The history teacher sighed sharply; it wasn't exactly the first time this had happened. (I think the last time, I'd protested the idea that the Shinigami's power somehow made them better than or above the social rules of 'normal' people.) "There is no need to shout; I understand that you are dim all too well," the teacher said, his eyes narrowing. There were some snickers.

I ignored them. "Sir, I thought asking a question implied desiring knowledge, not stupidity," I said equally as sharply, glaring back at him. _Fuck you._

"Stop contradicting me, Kurosaki, and ask your question!"

"Does the ideal Shinigami always do exactly what his duty is? What if his duty forces him to do something he feels is wrong? What if, for example, his superior gives him a morally ambiguous order? Can he ever think for himself?"

"He does what his superior orders and his superior will be punished for the infraction," said the history teacher, and he smirked. "Obviously." When that wasn't, in fact, obvious at all.

"But what if he could prevent the infraction happening before it started -"

"He does as his superior orders, Kurosaki!" The teacher turned back to the board.

"Sir!" I pushed on heedlessly. "What about taking joy in battle? Don't many higher up members of the Seireitei do that exact thing?" I was thinking of the Eleventh division.

"Are you saying people don't follow the rules of the Seireitei?" the teacher asked, turning back to me threateningly.

"I'm saying they don't make any sense -"

"Kurosaki, this is not philosophy class -"

"I know! But isn't history supposed to inspire a debate about the past teaching us about the future? Take for example the edict that we're not supposed to show emotion. But when we help the dead through to the other side, wouldn't it be helpful to have that exact thing - empathy? Or take Operation Spearhead -"

"We are not talking about that in this class," the teacher said suddenly, his eyes flashing. "I have no idea what you mean!"

"But sir -!"

"No!"

"Fine, then, let's talk about delays and misinformation; a possible reformation of the system." My voice was hurried, forceful. "Delays and misinformation between realms kills people, and not just Shinigami. Take the Quincy -"

"KUROSAKI!" The teacher's eyes had widened. "GET OUT OF MY CLASSROOM!"

"But sir -"

"NOW!"

* * *

"Heard you got kicked out of a class," said Rae, smirking. She was sitting across from me in the mess hall, the echo of chatter around us.

I scowled. "The teacher's an asshole," I said. "He wants me to keep quiet and keep my head down like a good little cadet. Screw him! If I'm going to stay here, I'm going to make my opinions known." It was a promise I'd made to myself from the beginning.

"But that isn't exactly what Shinigami are hired or trained for, you know," said Rae.

I stared at her. "You're siding with _him_?"

"I'm not siding with anyone," said Rae. "I'm telling you to be careful. People are listening to you, you know."

I looked around, noticing stares coming from the mess hall around us. I glared at them, and they ducked their heads over their own tables, going back to their food.

I'd never liked my teachers back in the living world, but suddenly I missed them. The students, too. Not even they would have treated me like this.

Suddenly, there was a slight sound and a muffled reiatsu signature above and behind me. I had to hand it to him - he'd gotten better, fast. "Guard down -" Nakamaru called from behind me, the wooden sword crashing over to my shoulder.

"Not." Bored, I reached up and held back the sword. With one finger.

Nakamaru's face twisted, and he jerked away from me frustratedly, as per usual. But then, suddenly, he twisted the sword around and shoved the wrong end at my ribs. Surprised, I moved to the side and dodged just in time, older instincts coming back to me.

"Damnit! How do you keep doing that?" he snapped.

"Why does it matter to you so much, anyway?" I asked, puzzled. Most people had started treating Nakamaru like he was crazy, and that couldn't be fun. Why not just quit? There had to be a good reason.

"I want to prove," he said heatedly, "that no matter where I came from, I'm still as good as the _best."_

And I was the best? In the school, maybe. The thought gave me a small amount of satisfaction, even as I felt my Hollow side stir dangerously within my soul world. Both of my spirits had been restless lately, and that wasn't a good sign.

Trying to distract myself from this, I shook my head and said instead, "I can respect that. But you don't have to prove anything to me."

"I'm not doing it for _you_," he snarled defensive; I raised my hands placatingly.

"Alright, alright, fine," I said. "Look, will you just sit down and eat lunch with us?" I scowled, toughening. "Since you're here and all," I added brazenly. No need to get all sentimental on his ass.

Ishida would have agreed. Nakamaru merely snapped, "Stay away from me!" and stormed off.

I sighed, staring after him, feeling annoyed and strangely empty.

* * *

We were in a line outside in a training field before a set of human-shaped targets. Each of us had one, and we were supposed to do a kidou spell to lock up its arms and a second one to destroy it. The teacher came over to me.

"I hear you're not doing well," she said dryly, standing before me. There had been some stares and snickers from fellow classmates; they still kept their distance, but apparently one had told the teacher.

I was embarrassed and frustrated, my face flushed. "No kidding," I said dryly, sarcastic, covering it up. "I haven't done anything." I kept trying to control all my reiatsu and put it into a little shape like the teacher told us to, but it took a lot of strain and the minute I tried to do anything with it, it burst around me and dissipated, having exactly no effect.

I related my problem to my teacher, who had a thought. "Why are you trying to make it small?" she asked thoughtfully at last.

I stared. "To make it like everyone else's," I said at last, a touch uncertainly. "Like you told us to."

"You are not like everyone else, Kurosaki-san," she said matter of factly. "Stop straining and trying to make it small. Make it your size. Bigger. And use the same shape and release."

I decided to give it a try. She kind of had a point. I closed my eyes and concentrated. Went toward the black circle, farther and farther in... and from there, the objective was to change it into a certain shape. I did, but this time I kept the circle comfortably large, my size, the size I thought of it in my head. I opened my eyes - and moved the reiatsu toward the target.

Golden locks, interlocking golden chains with symbols in them, wound their way up the target's arms and pushed them back; I nearly shouted out in triumph... And then the chains kept going. And going. Soon the spell had gone all the way up and down the body, and the dummy fell over limply onto the ground.

I paused, my hands up, staring. "Uh... what did I just do?"

"You somehow achieved a state of complete paralysis..." the teacher said slowly in amazement, brightening. Then she turned around to me, her eyes bright and determined, eager. "Now try to destroy it," she said.

"Are you sure that's a good idea -?"

"Do it!" She scowled in an attempt to be ferocious, which with her tiny size was almost funny.

I shrugged. Her funeral. I made the shape, made the movement - it was simple now that I didn't have to struggle with control and size - and clicked my fingers.

It happened strangely slow. A fireball radiating heat burst out from the center of the dummy... came outward wider and wider... I waited for it to stop, and it still wasn't stopping...

And all of a sudden, my eyes widening, I was the first one on the field to stop staring and break out of my stupor. "RUN!" I shouted, and then people were screaming and running, me at the forefront. There was a huge BOOM and a shake of earth from behind us; I jumped forward and was thrown off my feet, just missing the flash, the edges of my clothes singed.

I looked backward... and the entire field was blackened earth.

I did the only rational thing I could - I started laughing disbelievingly. "Holy shit...!"

"... Kurosaki, you are terrifying," the teacher said after a long pause in a shell shocked voice. "I tremble to think what you will do with healing kidou."

(It turned out I healed the wound so fast I left whiplash burns along the victims' bodies, which kind of defeated the purpose of healing.

Oops?)

* * *

The only good thing about the physical classes was that they filled in a lot of blanks for me. I'd learned unreal speed and I knew hand to hand, but now I could put them together; I learned more than the basics of swordsmanship and could do more complicated katas and movements I couldn't do before. There was a calm sort of symmetry to learning movements, flowing together with the rest of the class, that I hadn't had for a while and realized I had missed.

I'd never admit it, but it was the only time I didn't feel cold and alienated, like I was a freak of nature in a place I didn't belong.

The spars were all the way on the opposite end - they were horrible.

At first, I expected them to actually be pretty boring. I was one of the best there was, and everyone else in the class knew it, and they walked up hesitantly, terrified, when asked to spar with me. There were very few Nakamarus. But once I did find those willing to challenge themselves against me, once the teacher realized the same and started pairing me up with those students regularly... I had an entirely different problem.

The spirits in my soul world who I carried like a weight, who fought inexorably alongside me, were there as well.

_Come on, Ichigo, you could have finished this boy three moves ago! _ Zangetsu's impatient voice.

_You mean _**_I _**_could have finished this boy three moves ago. Maybe you picked the wrong self. _That contemptuous voice was my other self, my Hollow self.

My opponent and I had clashed swords, but at this, frustrated, I pushed forward in the next move in toward my opponent's stomach; he saw an opening and tapped me in the side.

_Concentrate!_

_Let go, let me help you -! _ That was the Hollow.

**_No_**_, _I said, panicked. _I can't control you and I can't afford to be like that anymore. I'm trying -!_

_NO YOU'RE NOT!_

I couldn't tell which one that was, but all of a sudden, as I hesitated, I choked and my head jerked forward. I could _feel _the Hollow, trying to push his way to the forefront. I was so busy internally, so scared, that I completely missed my opponent coming and smacking me on the side of the head, knocking me onto my back, my ears ringing.

"Shit," I hissed, lying there for a minute.

"Kurosaki! Concentrate!" the teacher called across the quad, through the other sparring pairs.

_Pathetic... _The souls receded, and I felt it.

_You can do more, Ichigo, _I heard Zangetsu's voice tell me quietly.

No, I couldn't. I couldn't afford to let go of my control over my own self. But if they'd just stop pushing for more, just stop _distracting _me...

What was wrong? Why had they, especially Zangetsu, been so pushy and out of sync with me lately?

Was there something about my power that I wasn't understanding?

* * *

I was summoned to Onabara-sensei's office one afternoon. He looked me up and down, standing there before him, and then he admitted without preamble, "You will be moved to an older class."

I was caught off guard, surprised. "Why?" I asked before I could stop myself.

Onabara looked somehow displeased. "Isn't it obvious? Because despite what an annoying pain in the ass you are, Kurosaki, you're the best. All your teachers have given you exemplary marks. Including the intellectual ones."

That was great. It should have been great. So... why didn't I feel like I'd accomplished anything?

I wandered out across the grounds after the meeting. I'd gotten used to this part of the Seireitei by now, could now find my way around easily. There was a certain tree on the school grounds that Rae and I sometimes met under, to practice moves or talk. I _could _go try to find her now... I didn't have anything else to do. But for some reason, ever since I'd gotten to the Soul Society, I'd felt more comfortable alone. And she had other friends; I didn't.

I went to my private place. Just off the grounds, surrounded by tall and eerily pristine white walls, there was a courtyard with a little garden and a fountain. I jumped up to the roof levels, jumped lightly down to the wall, and then through into the tiny garden. I sat down on the garden bench and stared ahead of me. Unseeingly, I'll admit.

Everything was just so... _quiet _here. So strangely clean. I thought back to what I'd pondered before. Rae had other friends and I didn't. Why? I'd had no trouble making friends in high school. That was obvious by the amount of people I'd left behind with weird memories or powers.

Here, where everyone knew about my strangeness, people were too intimidated to get close to my memories or powers. Maybe they were smarter in that way? But somehow that couldn't be it.

What about Nakamaru? Rae? The more fiery, tougher people willing to spar with me in hakuda, hoho, or zanjutsu classes?

I couldn't believe that was it. It must be me that was the problem.

I attracted a lot of attention, I knew. I rebelled the norms at every turn, intentionally and unintentionally. I'd brought some things from home through into the void with me, and I knew people thought I was unheard of, with my curious music playing technologies and my books on odd subjects.

"They treat you deferentially," Rae had told me once, almost concerned. "Every time a teacher suggests an exercise or asks for a volunteer, it's you they look to. People watch you. They like to watch you. Can't you see it?"

I couldn't see it. I just saw the stares. Secretly, I kind of thought she was just being nice.

What was wrong with me? Not me as a person - me, emotionally. My power was more relaxed here, comfortable here... wished for _more _here. I wrote poetry and I did art, much more freely than I ever would have in the living world. I had Rae. I should have been happy here. But I just... I missed home. I focused on all the ways this wasn't like home, and all the ways I was different, and all the ways I had to keep myself carefully controlled or I'd _fall through fall apart. _I hadn't really expected living in the Seireitei to be this... hard. It just... it wasn't home. Didn't feel right.

I'd found myself dwelling on old memories a lot again. And this time I wasn't sure it entirely came from boredom. I'd reflected back on my entire life and all its struggles, and I thought, _... Did it even really mean much in the end? _This couldn't be it; my life couldn't be... over.

It was like it had hit me, belatedly. The depression. And I couldn't even turn to the spirits in my soul world, because for some bizarre reason they were angry with me.

All of a sudden, everything just seemed so... pointless. Hard. I recognized this feeling.

It was despair.

I told myself all I had to do was make it to Karakura. Then things would be better.

Somehow.

* * *

_Shiba Ichigo,_

_You are hereby cordially invited to a formal social of the Noble Houses at the Kuchiki Clan Manor at _, Year _, at 8:00 PM._

There was an ink insignia around the edge of the parchment and everything. Scowling, I took up a pen, crossed out the word _Shiba, _and wrote _Kurosaki _in tiny letters down below.

... What the shit was I going to wear?

* * *

There were shops in the Seireitei - mostly expensive shops for formal stuff like this. The tailor was very... smiley. And greasy. I ended up getting a man's kimono, something simple and deep purple with an off-white leaf pattern. I'd never been sure how to wear to stuff like this. After some fiddling, I left most of it a little tight on me, the neck open and loose.

I felt pretty damn uncomfortable, so Rukia had better be happy to see me.

On said Night of Horror, I made my way through the streets, past the big buildings with distant glittering lights, and to the walls surrounding the Kuchiki Clan grounds. There was a guard waiting outside the gate, letting people through with invitations. I smirked and showed him my invitation. He twitched when he saw the change to the name. He glared at me, but let me through anyway.

_Asshole, _I thought vaguely as I walked past.

There was a long walkway through the grass to the main building. I went in past other people and through the open front doors - and I stopped, staring. "Whoa," I said, my eyes wide.

Huge, echoing halls. Marble tiling. Little expensive vases on stands. Gigantic, ancient looking pieces of art hung on the walls. Silk curtains.

Holy shit.

I stood in the corner near the doorway, not really sure where to go for a while. I saw others walk over to a little side room, take off their shoes, put on fresh tabi, and walk into a carpeted room with a low set table that was set with what looked like tea and sweets and expensive looking little sandwich things. By Soul Society standards, that was one hell of an expensive looking meal.

People were wearing gold edging on their robes. Everything was quiet, full of murmurs. Reserved.

I suddenly had the suspicious feeling I was totally out of my depth.

Then Rukia came down the stairs, slowly, elegantly, her eyes cast down. And she looked... beautiful. Awe-inspiring. And all those other lovely words. She was wearing a white silk kimono with blue snowflake designs that was cut to show off her delicate stature perfectly. Her hair flowed softly around her shoulders, near bird-like collar bones.

She looked up... and saw me. And a smile lit up her face like a candle.

"Ichigo!" She stopped, put a hand over her mouth at the shout, turned a little red, and I smiled in spite of myself. She gave me a little glare at my amusement. Then she lifted herself up elegantly and carried herself along, slowly and quietly, the picture of grace. "Ichigo," she said more reservedly, coming to a stop before me.

I looked down at her, the pale curve of her white shoulders; I was close enough to see her eyelashes.

She looked up at me, frowned slightly. "Ichigo?" she said. "Are you alright?"

I remembered, then, how much I had missed her. I realized I was staring and looked away, clearing my throat, my face unusually warm. "Yeah," I said roughly. "I'm - I'm fine. How... how have you been?" I looked at her sideways. "You seem to fit right in here." I was almost envious.

She smiled slightly. "It is my home," she said simply. Then, more mischievously, "I hear you've been making waves at the school." She could have nudged me. My lips twitched and I looked away, snorting.

"Not intentionally or anything. Mostly," I added dryly.

"Oh, I'm sure," she scoffed, not believing me for an instant, which amused me. And abruptly the world seemed full of color again - the white, the grey, it was gone. How did she _do_ that? I thought of my realization during Aizen's attack on her, and edged a little too close to the truth. I stared at her, trying to divine what it was...

And when she looked my way, for some reason I looked away again, blushing furiously.

Rukia stared at me in frustration... then she looked around. When she saw no one else was there, she turned back around and punched me in the side.

"Ow! Hey!"

"Stop acting so weird!" she demanded.

"Geez, sorry..." I rubbed my side, my eyes widening sarcastically. "I'm just in a weird place, I can't help it."

"Nii-sama's house is not a weird place!" she said indignantly.

"I can feel the weird; it emanates from the walls. It's like 'Look at me, I'm weeeiiird...!'"

"You are just as infuriating as always!" Rukia shouted, her face turning red. I smirked, ridiculously pleased.

"By the way," I said, "I have no idea what I'm doing here, so I'm just going to follow you."

At this, she actually did turn to stare at me. "I have to be next to Nii-sama." Panic shot through me; we were seated in separate places? "What do you mean?" she added suspiciously.

"Uhh... nothing?" The innocent act didn't really work.

"You're not telling me you've never had etiquette lessons before coming here." Her face darkened.

"... No?" I winced.

Her face worked. "You are a dumb human boy!" she said at last. She stormed away.

This time, I almost had to agree. "Well, I didn't know how I was supposed to -! Hey! Hey, Rukia, wait up!"

I followed her into the room, and nearly ran into her. Stopping abruptly and uncoordinatedly, I realized every pair of eyes in the room had turned to stare at us. Byakuya was at the head of the table. He completely expressionless, one of his eyebrows rose, in perfect sync with the moment.

"There was uncouth shouting?" he asked in the silence, and I turned red, which immediately singled me out as the person who had been yelling of course. Byakuya watched me for a long moment, and he seemed almost worried, warning... in his own Lovely Asshole sort of way. Then he turned to Rukia. "You are late."

"My apologies, Nii-sama," she said, with perfect, scorning cool. "I was held up." The slight pause before the last two words was done perfectly.

The eyes that switched to me weren't happy. Great.

Rukia went around slowly to her seat at the table, and there was only one other open seat so there was no guessing which one was mine. I prepared myself and knelt at my assigned spot. I felt really stupid.

It was a great start to the evening.

From there, we had entertainment. Some people in formal, traditional dress came and played, a string instrument, rigid stylized dancing. I somehow managed to fuck up watching something. In the middle of the performance, I reached forward to poor myself a drink.

"What are you doing during the performance?" the older man next to me asked sharply, and I started and spilled the drink all over the table. The performers heroically continued but everyone at the table turned to stare at me. You could have fried an egg on my face as a servant who'd been standing obediently in a corner hurried forward to clean up the mess. Then the performance ended and I started clapping before realizing exactly no one else was doing the same thing. I got a lot more stares as I stopped clapping... slowly...

I saw Rukia close her eyes, very quietly, in exasperation, as if she just knew how the rest of the evening was going to go. Byakuya, as usual, gave no expression, but he also seemed to be keeping a close eye on me. Why impressing him was important, I wasn't sure, but it suddenly seemed important in front of Rukia somehow and _I wasn't doing it._

I just wasn't good at any of this stuff. Even in my own world, where I understood the rules, I'd always hated formality.

Easily the best part of the evening was when someone came up and recited a poem, one Byakuya had apparently written, he being the host and all. I hadn't known he wrote. He was actually really good, in his own formal, understated sort of way.

Then we all had dinner. The elderly man next to me, who was probably really important, engaged me in conversation. He started out with, "Why are you eating that way?" in a tone of vague disgust. I stopped slowly and realized I was wolfing down my dinner while everyone else picked at their food.

I swallowed, embarrassed, and tried sitting back and eating a little lighter. "Uh... never mind," I said quietly.

"So you are a Shiba," the man continued.

"Technically," I agreed.

His eyes narrowed. "What do you mean, 'technically'?"

I realized I had my elbows too far out and he was holding himself away from my touch in distaste. By the way, it's really hard to eat quietly and keep your elbows tucked in at the same time. "Well," I said, puzzled, "I mean, in name I'm a Kurosaki."

"You are to keep your human name?" he asked with an insulting amount of disbelief.

My eyes narrowed. "I am to keep my mother's name," I said, but he didn't hear the danger behind the tone.

"Ah, that. There is no need to broadcast that," he said dismissively, and he went back to his food. "How is the school going? I'm one of those who recommended you go there."

So he was one of the bastards who had done it. "Horribly," I said flatly, not in the mood to be accommodating. I was still watching him intently. "What did you mean about my mother?"

"I mean there is no need to broadcast the shame of having such parents - a traitorous father and a human mother," he said, dismissively, as if - _as if that was of no great import._

"Fuck you!" I suddenly shouted, shooting to my feet. There were gasps and silence and everyone turned to look at us again. Byakuya and Rukia's eyes were impossibly wide.

The man sputtered indignantly. "E-excuse me?"

"Fuck you!" I shouted again, furious; I felt so miserable and trapped here I felt the need to rebel at _something, _and my temper chose that moment to rear its ugly head.

"Kurosaki Ichigo," Byakuya said suddenly, standing, "I think you need to leave."

"My pleasure." I stormed to the door, turned back, and snapped, "I don't see how anyone could go through this day to day without shooting themselves!" And, leaving confusion and embarrassment in my wake, I slammed the screen shut so hard it went off its hinges and then I hurried for the door, while I still had my indignation.

There was a pause and then I heard Rukia stand up and hurry after me. "Ichigo, wait!" she said as I made it outside, pausing behind me, her face worried. "Look, I know this is hard, but -"

"I'm sorry," I said, taking a deep breath and looking up at the sky. "You shouldn't have invited me."

"What on earth happened -?!"

"_He insulted my mother." _There was a very heavy silence; I had struggled to keep the rage from my voice and hadn't quite managed it.

"... Oh." Rukia looked down. At least she seemed to understand.

I thought of my desire to impress her and her brother and I laughed bitterly. "Sorry," I said again. "I think - I think I need some time to myself."

"Ichig -!" I flash stepped away.


	6. Getting Better

Author's Note: Let me know if I forgot any scene breaks. I have to manually add them in after saving the document.

* * *

"_It's getting better all the time._

_I used to get mad at my school ('No I can't complain'),_

_The teachers who taught me weren't cool ('No I can't complain')._

_You're holding me down, turning me 'round,_

_Filling me up with your rules (Foolish rules)._

_I've got to admit, it's getting better,_

_A little better all the time (It can't get more worse)._

_I have to admit, it's getting better,_

_It's getting better since you've been mine._

_Me used to be angry young man,_

_Me hiding me head in the sand._

_You gave me the word, I finally heard_

_And I'm doing the best that I can._

_I've got to admit, it's getting better,_

_A little better all the time (It can't get more worse)._

_I have to admit, it's getting better,_

_It's getting better since you've been mine._

_Getting so much better all the time."_

_- "Getting Better" by The Beatles_

_Chapter Five: Getting Better_

* * *

I almost went back to my dorm, but Atsushi would be there and that didn't seem like the best option. I didn't feel like wandering around like an idiot. So where could I...?

And at last I thought of somewhere I could go. Somewhere I maybe should have gone ages ago.

I ran, sprinted, reiatsu leaking into my run, over rooftops across the Seireitei, and I ran straight through the western gate past Jidanbou. He moved, dangerously fast, but paused when he saw who it was. "Wait, Ichigo -" he started to call after me.

"I need to see someone!" I said back over my shoulder, and then I pushed my sensing from unconscious to conscious, feeling them out... There they were. I ran only a couple of minutes in that direction, through a village and across fields, buildings and trees whistling by in blurs, and some amusement leaked into my mindless rage.

Their house was just as showy as it had been before.

It kind of figured they were my relatives.

I slowed and went up at last to the twins guarding the doorway. Their faces stern, they nonetheless paused as they took me in. "... We heard the news," one said at last.

"Yeah, you and everybody else. Apparently it's a big deal," I said dryly, stopping.

One of the twins bristled. "Of course it's a big deal -!"

"I wasn't -" I closed my eyes, trying to keep a hold on my anger. Insulting people seemed to be my thing tonight. "No offense intended; look." I sighed impatiently. "Can I make a house call? Is that okay?"

"... Right this way." And one of them led me down into the bowels of the house, down the hall lined with paper screens to pause in front of one.

"Someone's -"

"Let him in!" Kuukaku's voice was almost eager.

I was led in, not sure what to expect, and I saw them halfway through dinner. A wide, shit-eating grin was plastered across Kuukaku's face as she took me in. "I wondered how long it would take you to make it out here," she said.

"I can't believe _you're _my cousin," Ganjyuu muttered, looking me over suspiciously. I snorted. _I _could.

"So how's the Seireitei treating you?" Kuukaku asked, sitting back.

"I _hate_ it there," I said flatly, quietly furious, my fists clenched by my sides.

"Hm. How shocking," Kuukaku said dryly; the last thing she looked was shocked.

"Yeah, no kidding," said Ganjyuu, still staring at me. "If I were you, I'd hate it there too."

* * *

And abruptly, in the middle of my misery, I found a family.

I would visit every afternoon after classes, and Kuukaku would alternately shout at me and encourage me while Ganjyuu preferred to annoy the hell out of me.

("Don't poke me!"

He hovered his finger right above my shoulder blade. "I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you -!" He dodged as I attempted to toss him across the room. I had the feeling this was what it was like to have a younger brother. A very irritating younger brother.)

They heard about what happened at the dinner party, and Kuukaku congratulated me when she found out who I'd told to fuck off. "You're my hero," she said. "Half of Seireitei's been wanting to say that to that old bastard for ages."

"Just happy to help," I said sarcastically.

All joking aside, they taught me the ins and outs of being a "noble": how to comport myself, what to say and what not to say, how to speak and carry myself. Kuukaku was a pretty merciless instructor, but having grown up alongside the likes of Yoruichi and Byakuya, she had a wealth of knowledge. When I walked among my peers in the Seireitei, no matter how much I resented it, I felt more confident and natural around them. Less like someone would catch me out and tell me I wasn't really supposed to be here at any minute.

I was still convinced I would never fit in or enjoy myself doing anything remotely sophisticated, but when Kuukaku learned about my interests, she had an idea.

"You're a fucking intellectual?" Ganjyuu had asked, a wide and distinctly evil grin filling his face. I detected teasing in the making.

"Oh, fuck off," I said, much more casually than at the dinner party, scowling uncomfortably and looking away.

"No, no, this is great; Ganjyuu, stop looking like an idiot." Kuukaku aimed a hand at her brother's head without looking and he ducked, covering his head with his hands and frowning. I snickered, feeling childish. "Both of you, quiet! This is good. I want you to try something and see how you like it: theater. It would be good if people saw you at such things. It would make up for everything else, a little bit."

* * *

I went reluctantly, hiding somewhere in the back of the darkened theater in the shadows and expecting to sleep through the entire show on the lit stage before me. To my surprise, I didn't. I got caught up in the story and the music... A lot of it was based on books, so I bought them, curious, and started consuming them every night before bed; it had been a while since I'd read anything really new.

Atsushi had eyed me in surprise when he saw me. "You read things like that?" he asked me at last, one of the first times he'd spoken to me.

I looked up slowly. "Yeah..." I was almost careful.

My roommate didn't say anything else, but he seemed surprised, considering. Maybe that was a good sign?

I had another surprising encounter after one trip to the theater; I ran into Kuchiki Byakuya in the crowds outside. Not literally, of course. He'd probably have ripped one of my limbs off or something if I'd actually run into him. But I was sliding through the crowds outside after the show, attempting to just melt into the shadows and head back to the dorms, when I heard him call out to me in surprise.

"Kurosaki Ichigo." He had paused. For once, he was openly staring at me.

"Kuchiki Byakuya." I grinned, a little mischievously. Then I remembered and, taking a deep breath, said, "By the way, I... apologize for my behavior the other night. I let my temper get the best of me."

Kuchiki Byakuya raised an eyebrow. "You should apologize to the man you insulted," he pointed out.

"Oh, no, I was just apologizing for making a scene." I smirked. "I should have told him to fuck off more quietly."

Byakuya seemed vaguely startled, then he gave me a hard stare. Of all things, he ended up saying, "... Apology accepted. Rukia... explained," he added at my expression.

Still, for some reason when I left him, he seemed puzzled as he watched my form head back into the darkness beyond the lit lamps. Maybe it was a dichotomy in his mind, for me to have such manners and interests and say the words 'fuck off' so casually.

* * *

A few days later in poetry class, everyone had just been let out and people were moving past me out the door. "It was good to be seeing you, Kurosaki," a few people called out. On Rae's behest and with her help, I'd recently started holding practice sessions for the newer recruits out on a grassy knoll on the grounds. I led mini classes, coaching people through moves in unison and stuff like that. I hadn't really expected anyone to come, but the idea turned out to be surprisingly popular. And as long as I didn't fight anyone directly, there was no frustration from Zangetsu and the Hollow didn't try to push his way out to play. (I was trying to ignore that as I was still not sure what to do about it.)

I'd started having more people I recognized say hi to me in the hallways since then. When I met them on their level, students seemed more... comfortable... with me.

(Nakamaru was the exception, he stubbornly refusing to have anything to do with my classes. He still insisted he'd beat me one day. I'd learned through the students in the practice sessions that he had a tendency to bully others and I'd formed an ingrained disliking of him.)

So I was heading out the door with other people, when Kira Izuru called to me, "... Ichigo... could you wait back a minute?"

I was puzzled, but curious. "Sure." I waited by his desk until everyone else had left the room.

"... I wanted to talk to you about something," said Izuru, carefully and patiently, as was his way. "You have showed me both your poems and your drawings."

"Yeah... and?" I was almost challenging.

"They're very good," said Izuru honestly, quietly. "I wouldn't tell you what to do with your work, but I think others would like it, if you also showed it to them. Hisagi Shuuhei of the Ninth Division," a vague image of an intense and guilty dark haired man with tattoos floated up in my mind, "hosts the monthly Seireitei Circular and is looking for new material to fill his -"

"Wait, wait, wait." I held up my hands. "No way."

Izuru frowned. "There is no shame in it," he said. "You are very talented."

"I just..." It felt like a weird invasion of privacy. I looked away. "That's just not how I come across to others."

"So it's an image thing," said Izuru thoughtfully.

"Well, that makes it sound kind of - Yeah," I admitted as I realized he was right.

"I could form as a go-between, between you and the Vice Captain," Izuru said then, offeringly. "You could use a pen name, and then no one would know it was you."

"You'd be willing to do that for me?" I raised my eyebrows frankly. "That's really nice."

"Oh..." Izuru looked down, his voice softening into near non-existence. "It would be nothing..."

I had to think about it long and hard, pushing the idea back and forth anxiously in my mind, but eventually I decided to just buck up and do it - half out of sheer frustration with myself. I used the name Akira, mostly just because I thought it was cool, and I submitted a poem about a beautiful girl of ink and ice, birdlike and delicate. I was terrified waiting for the reaction, but it was as if I struck gold. All of a sudden, I saw that page in the circular all over the damn place, and wasn't that a weird sensation?

People including Hisagi Shuuhei wanted to know who Akira was, but I guess Kira Izuru was stronger than I'd given him credit for because nobody ever found out.

I started submitting drawings and poems regularly, and it actually turned out to be nice, getting so much positive feedback. And as long as _I _never showed anyone my work, no one had to know it was me. No one had to know the subjects or the ideas behind them.

I was famous and anonymous at once.

* * *

One thing I realized spending more time in the Rukongai with my cousins was that I felt very comfortable there. I'd stand on a village rooftop and look out over the people roving past in the dusk, the lit fires, the loud laughter - the wind blowing through the trees - and I'd realize I was happy here. Things seemed somehow more vivid here.

But while the Rukongai was wonderful in a lot of ways, it was also extremely poor, and sometimes desperate. I didn't know how to fix this, but I knew I wanted to. I wanted to help these people.

Not sure how to do this, I went to the Elder in the local village I had first entered, the one with the bald crown of head and long white hair and beard. I asked him what it was people in the Rukongai needed most of all. I expected him to say something like shelter, or even food, but instead he said, "Family. Even in the most vicious and horrible of places, people need other people." I was reminded of Shibata Yuuichi and how he couldn't find his mother. I thought of Rukia and Renji and their friends, banding together because they had no adults who would help them.

But what could I do about that? I had a vague idea, but I would need other people to bring it to fruition.

I went to Yuuichi, and met with him and his family. The woman in particular, their surrogate mother, a big tough woman, was suspicious of me at first, mostly because of where I was training. But when I told them my idea, they agreed to help.

I had a certain amount of money as a member of the Shiba family; most of it I didn't actually need. I would start a pool of money, and through word of mouth, others in the Rukongai would also put their money in the pool each month. Through this pool of money, people would be hired in different places in the Rukongai. Their sole job was to find people families who didn't have families, put children into contact with people who could read, and help people find their relatives and friends from the living world. It was vital that all these hired people be in close contact with each other; every so often, they would hand over reports through different hired people in the districts which would all eventually make their way back to me, where I would meet with Shibata Yuuichi's family each month and get the reports back.

I didn't really expect the idea to take hold. All I could do was ask Yuuichi's family to tell everyone they knew, and for those people to tell everyone they knew, and so on and so forth. But when I went back the next month, Yuuichi's mother, smiling in triumph, had an entire list of people who were interested. It was a pretty goddamn long list, and encompassed a surprising range of places.

I really had an idea here. And that was kind of exciting.

As soon as I could, I used this service to my advantage. There was one person I wanted to find, and I knew exactly what district she'd landed in...

* * *

"_Nii-chan!"_

I heard the excited shriek before I saw her, and it made my heart jump. I whirled around, and there was Enzeru, barreling toward me along the dirt roadway at high speeds, her hair long and streaming and a simple robe on her skinny frame. She leaped into my arms, still shrieking, and I threw my head back and laughed before I could help myself. She leaped back to the ground and we looked at each other excitedly.

"You're okay!" we shouted at the exact same time, and then we laughed again.

"It is... _unbelievably _great to see you," I said fervently.

"And you! You're training to be a Shinigami!" She jumped up and down. "That's so exciting, that's so exciting!" she said in a sing-song voice. She was much more energetic, somehow, than the last time I'd seen her.

"Yeah, yeah." I stood up straight, my lips twitching.

She crossed her arms and put on a fake gruff face. "Yeah, yeah," she said in a deep voice, and then she laughed at my expression and grabbed me by the hand. "Come meet my family!"

* * *

I came face to face with a quiet couple and a baby boy with a cheerful smile. The woman bowed. "Thank you for taking care of her," the man said softly. There were deep lines around both of their eyes.

"Oh, it's -" I resisted the urge to look away sheepishly, embarrassed; Kuukaku had been encouraging me to fake ease and confidence even if I couldn't feel them. "It was a pleasure," I said - genuinely - instead, my face a little warm.

"I heard about your idea," the woman said, smiling slightly. "It's wonderful. We'd like to help."

I brightened in surprise and pleasure. Enzeru looked upward from where she was holding my hand and beamed at me.

They invited me into their home and we knelt around the table. They made me tea, despite my polite refusals. "We can afford a nice tea," the woman told me quietly, almost scoldingly.

"We actually wanted to talk to you about something else," the man said, his face serious. "Enzeru has reiatsu." My eyebrows rose in surprise. "A small amount," he assured me, "but it's there. She gets hungry."

I looked at Enzeru, who smiled. "I know what that is now," she said.

"We wanted to know," said her mother, "if you could take her to the Seireitei and have her tested to enter the Academy."

I looked from one to the other. "You - don't want her to stay with you?"

Their smiles were sad. "We want better for her," her father said simply.

* * *

So I took her up there with me, fighting back a smile as she cheered from my back when we were flying back toward the Seireitei gates together. I sat outside the office, twiddling my foot nervously, as she had the test run by that same blonde woman. She had to have enough power to make it in. Didn't she?

At last, the door opened and Enzeru ran over to hug me.

"She is accepted," the woman said, standing by the door, smiling slightly.

"I'm in!" Enzeru said excitedly in my ear, and soon enough she had joined my practice groups after lessons, in the red women's version of the uniform, smiling and doing her movements with determined energy from the front line.

"She's cute," Rae had decided, cheerfully ruffling her hair, and I had made another friend.

* * *

There was a knock one night on my dormitory door. Who the hell would that be? Surprised and curious, I put down my book, padded over to the door, and opened it up.

Rukia, in her Shinigami uniform, stood there sheepishly on the other side.

"If it's an invitation to another of those weird noble things, the answer is no," was the first thing out of my mouth.

"Oh, no, nothing like that," said Rukia. She shook her head. "I - I should have known that was a stupid idea; it really wasn't your thing. Actually..." She looked up at me directly, almost challenging. "I was wondering if you wanted to train?"

* * *

I'd give this to Rukia: I had to be in bankai to deal with her released zanpakutoh.

Sode no Shirayuki was both beautiful and dangerous, as was Rukia herself when she wielded... (it? her? it had to be a her). I'd been in shikai, thinking to go easy on her, and then she'd made a fast circle with her ice zanpakutoh and everything within it had frozen. Everything including me. It was like being plunged underneath a frozen lake and it hurt like a bitch. Smug, Rukia walked up, tapped on the ice, and it all shattered and melted away, revealing me in its center. I'd moved to jump away, swearing; she turned from me and said over her shoulder, "Begin moving again slowly or you'll hurt yourself. Sode no Shirayuki freezes me as well; that's what I have to do to recover afterward. And don't underestimate me. I have my powers back, you know."

So she gave me a couple of minutes, which was actually kind of embarrassing, and then we fought again. I used bankai this time, which was useful because its speed helped me evade Rukia's attacks, and a mutual respect was formed. Occasionally we would stop and give each other pointers. She helped me integrate kidou more into my fighting, which was brave of her because some of the things my reiatsu did to kidou spells were pretty fucking weird, and I quickly zeroed in on the thing in Rukia I had originally mistaken for weakness. Rukia was really smart. In fact, she probably thought a lot more in battle than I did. But that also made her hesitate. She doubted herself.

She kept dodging Getsuga Tenshou and hanging back, and finally I stopped and said to her, "You know. If you hesitated less you'd be a really dangerous opponent." There was a hint of sarcasm in my voice but I was, in fact, being honest. I thought back to the first night I'd met her - the way she hung back, observing the scene while I charged in.

So next time, she did what instinct told her to and she moved her sword across to fight a Getsuga Tenshou attack with Sode no Shirayuki. I watched, mesmerized, as the black energy was frozen, mid-attack. She held it there, roiling beneath the ice, she straining beneath all that power, and then the ice shattered but the attack fizzed out.

"Well, that was..." I started to say in surprise, and then Rukia looked forward at me... and smirked. Widely. "Oh, shit," I realized, my eyes widening, and all of a sudden I had a hard time keeping up with her, my speed just barely keeping me staying ahead.

That was when I encountered a different problem. We were fighting a worthy opponent, and Zangetsu was happy.

So was the asshole who had taken up residence in my soul world. He just showed it in a different way.

Rukia moved.

Dodge.

She moved the ice again.

Deflect dance with sword.

Rukia -

_Get inside her guard. Fight her up close!_

_Shut up, I don't need __**your **__help!_

But that moment of hesitation was what she'd needed; this time when I tried to move I was knocked over and fell, and because were fighting on an air level above the training field, it was a long way to the ground.

"Ichigo, what are you doing?" Rukia frowned down at me. "Now _you're _the one who's hesitating."

I sighed in frustration, sitting upright. "That's been happening a lot lately. I'm..." In how much detail should I explain? "I'm trying to keep a hold on my power," I summarized at last.

Rukia raised an eyebrow. "You are afraid," she said, challenging. "I can sense it."

I looked away.

"Ichigo," she said, "you're supposed to work _with _your power. Not against it. Feel the fight."

"I'm not taking advice from that -!" I held back my fury, I looked away again. There was a moment of silence.

"I can't pretend to know what's going on inside your soul world," said Rukia at last. "But if you refuse to work with your power, you will always hesitate. It will always hold you back."

My power. _He _was my power? That...?

I didn't like that. But then again, he seemed to know more about fighting. A lot more than I did.

Could I in fact turn him useful? Turn him to my advantage?

Then the thing I had to do, I thought when I stood in front of her again, was stop being concerned with getting hurt, stop thinking about the feeling of ice. I could feel the mounting excitement from the voice in my mind, the _other _voice, the one I'd never listened to. _Yes, yes, that's it -! Let go, let go! _he told me, unusually open, bristling.

_No, _I told him back firmly. But... I listened. Just a little bit.

And then the fighting, the movements, took on a whole new meaning. For a moment, it was as if... we were working in tandem. I had forgotten what it felt like - to lose yourself in the beauty of movement, in a fight. Everything was smoother, crisper, clearer. I could feel the high tone of excitement in my mind.

I moved, and then I ran forward. Getsuga Tenshou met with one of Sode no Shirayuki's dances in midair, and in the ensuing struggle of power, I flash stepped. I dodged _around _the fight, right in close to Rukia's guard. I saw her eyes widen, the ice dusting her lashes, and then she went to move, and in one smooth movement, I switched to shikai. I held the cloth attached to the end of the sword and I swung it outward toward her, and it was going to hit her, and _shit _-!

Several things happened at once.

I realized I was going to hurt her.

I felt the Hollow mask forming over one side of my face.

I felt the other me make a run for it and try to take over in the forefront of my mind.

I cried out, forcing the sword down, bending over and clutching my face. There was a moment of silence as I knelt there, taking deep breaths, trying to get ahold of myself. I wondered, vaguely, why Rukia wasn't attacking; unlike me, she was merciless with openings, it was one of the reasons why telling her to think less and move more was so effective. But when I looked up... she hadn't even noticed me. Was staring behind me, her eyes wide and awed.

I looked around - and a kind of awe filled me.

Rukia's spirit had manifested itself before her. It was a beautiful woman in a lovely white kimono.

We were sitting there beside each other in the training area, breathing hard. It was late at night; I could see the sky above clearly. Each division had their own outdoor set of the training area's; Rukia had taken me to one of the Thirteenth's.

We watched the stars for a moment.

"Hey," I said at last. "Can I ask you something?"

She looked over at me, vaguely curious.

"Why the hell aren't _you_ a Vice Captain?" I knew there was an opening in her division. It didn't make any sense to me.

Rukia looked away. "I am not as good as Kaien-dono," she said stiffly. I watched her back for a moment.

"Well, I don't know anything about him," I said at last, faking casual and sitting up, looking away. "But you seem good enough for a Vice Captain's position to me."

Rukia's face darkened. "My brother would not allow it," she said, and it was hard to tell what she felt about that. "He sent me to the Thirteenth so I would have a quiet life. He is afraid I would hurt myself." She looked carefully downward, quiet and dutiful.

I stared at her for a moment... and abruptly, I was furious.

* * *

"Kurosaki-san, you cannot be here! Kurosaki-san, you cannot be here!" the servant was wailing as she hurried after me down the gleaming hallways of the manor. I would feel bad for her, later, when I had time in my mind to worry about things like that. But not now. Now, this afternoon while Rukia was away in her division, I had a job to do.

Now I stormed right into the room where I felt his presence to be, and he looked up from a desk, in a study. He had half stood up, and his eyes snapped furiously. "Kurosaki Ichigo," Kuchiki Byakuya said, "what are you doing here?!"

I pointed at him. "You condescending asshole!" I shouted directly, and privately enjoyed his eyes go wide with confusion and anger.

"Excuse me?" The voice was quiet and deadly; Kuchiki Byakuya never struck me as the type to back down from a challenge. But neither was Rukia, I reminded myself. Neither was Rukia.

"I just finished training with your sister and in my studied opinion she deserves to be a Vice Captain!" I shouted. I felt the servant freeze... and, with terrified silence, walk backward, shutting the study door and leaving me to fend for myself.

Kuchiki Byakuya's face had gone expressionless. He paused for a moment, and then sat down, the picture of calm. His icy voice betrayed him, though. "I," he said, emphasizing every word, "do not have to justify myself to you."

I took a deep breath. "You're right," I said, "you don't. But you're going to sit there and listen to me, because I have something I want to say.

"One thing I learned being with Rukia so long in the living world is that she spends a hell of a lot of time thinking she's not good enough by some imaginary standards she sets for herself. Now, I don't know if they're yours or not, but I used to just think she was weak. Strong in the ways that really matter, but weak. Now I find out she's got shitloads of power and she just isn't promoted because of her _position?_

"Look, I can appreciate you wanting to protect your sister, but she's a _Shinigami. _She nearly died trying to save my sorry ass. So her position hasn't exactly done a great job of protecting her from attacks, has it? She might as well do what she's cut out to do, if she's going to be risking her life doing it." I paused. Did that sentence make any sense? Whatever. So I wasn't erudite. "She's a fighter. It kills her not to be promoted no matter how hard she works. And she's stronger than you think she is. And..."

I deflated. Suddenly I was left without words.

"And you should let her try out for Vice Captain's position," I said at last.

Kuchiki Byakuya did the weirdest thing. He smiled. (It was weird because I'd half expected him to, you know, attack me.) "You provide a strong argument," he admitted. Huh? "Actually, I was considering testing Rukia's improvement myself. It appears you have done it for me."

"... Oh." I reached out to run a hand through my hair, sheepish. "So... you were considering this anyway?"

"That is correct," said Kuchiki Byakuya calmly. He still seemed amused.

All of a sudden, I was a little embarrassed. "Oh," I said. "Okay, then. I'll just... go. Sorry for, you know... I mean, I think I nearly gave one of your maids a heart attack. So if she dies, I... I'm really sorry." My lips twitched.

"You find yourself apologizing to me often, Kurosaki Ichigo," said Byakuya as I turned away. "Please see that changes." He had sat back in his seat, seeming at ease.

"Yeah," I said, looking back over my shoulder. "Uh, no problem."

* * *

There was a whole ceremony commemorating Rukia's advancement to fukutaicho. She had the special armband put around her wrist by a smiling Ukitake up on a stage and everything. She carried herself with perfect dignity, of course, but I knew her well enough to see she was trying not to smile.

I was broken from watching her from the audience in the auditorium by someone poking me in the back of the head. Annoyed, I looked around.

And Renji was sitting there next to Ikkaku.

"I'd recognize that hair anywhere," he said quietly, grinning. "Ichigo!"

I snorted. "Like you're one to talk," I muttered back, and Ikkaku laughed.

Then it was as if that one meeting with Rukia had opened up everything for me. All of a sudden, I had opened up a door to higher up people I knew all over the Seireitei. Renji and his friends at the Eleventh division started inviting me over to spars in their outdoor training area regularly, they made fun of my time spent still in the Academy, and we beat on each other and it was all in good fun. I had learned how to tentatively work alongside not only one but both of the souls in my soul world, and that made me stronger, even if it was only ever so long before the Hollow deep within made an appearance, vying for control, and I had to strain to recapture that control over myself. Everyone thought the way I was acting during fights was kind of weird, but I managed to evade their questions.

Zaraki was always coming after me to try to fight me, his little pink-haired daughter attached to his shoulder; I usually dodged those, because my Hollow side and Zaraki Kenpachi meeting would be a _horrifically bad idea. _"Damnit, Kurosaki," Zaraki would call after me in frustration, watching me closely, "why are you always running from me?!"

Yachiru was easier. She was like dealing with Yuzu high on candy. She'd bother me in a high pitched voice to play with her and get things for her, and then she'd end up falling asleep, drooling all over my robe. It was annoying, but also kind of endearing. Ikkaku didn't understand it. "How are you so good with kids? Every time she gets near me my blood pressure goes up!"

There was one surprising person I met through the Eleventh division. Matsumoto Rangiku, of all people, used to be a part of it, and was very casual among the guys. ("She can drink me under the table," I heard Ikkaku mutter to me once.) She told me she thought I was cute, and after the first time she grabbed me despite my protests and hugged me inadvertently choking me between her breasts (there were worse ways to go, so after a while I just kind of... went limp) the guys assured me we were friends.

This led to something one day that I hadn't quite been expecting.

* * *

Renji and I separated on the training field, breathing hard.

Finally, I stood. "Screw this," I said, "I'm breaking for water."

Renji grinned viciously. "You're just afraid I'm going to start choking you with Zabimaru again. Wasn't that creative?"

I coughed. "Yeah," I muttered, "creative." I went over to my water canteen and swallowed water like a dying man in the desert. _Fuck _that had hurt.

"Ha! You're scared!"

I turned to glare at him. "What are you, five?"

"Scaredy-cat, scaredy-cat -!"

"Oh, you know what! Fuck you!" I threw the water canteen down and stormed back to the fight. "Just for that, I'm kicking your ass!"

"I'd like to see you try!"

"Well, don't let me deny you that enormous pleasure." I smirked and lifted Zangetsu again, and then a voice called out.

"You can all lose your eager anticipation, gentlemen, I have arrived!" Matsumoto Rangiku. We both stood straighter and looked around.

"Hey, Rangiku," I said curiously. "What's up?"

Rangiku beamed as usual, but something was wrong. Her eyes were unusually serious.

"Hey, Ichigo," she said, "can I talk to you for a minute?"

* * *

We sat on a bench just outside the Eleventh division, watching people go past from a distance on their way to various duties. The position felt kind of weird, although I couldn't quite put a handle on why. Maybe that was just how guys were supposed to feel when they met up with a woman like Matsumoto Rangiku in a secluded area.

I cleared my throat, attempting to ignore these thoughts. "Umm... what's wrong? You looked pretty serious."

Rangiku looked around in surprise. "You could tell?"

"Well, yeah, you're always all chatty and cheerful..." I was nonplussed. "But today, there was something wrong. Something about your eyes."

She looked at me piercingly for a moment. "Interesting," she said at last. "Maybe this will work. Vice Captain Hinamori woke up."

My eyebrows rose. "The one Aizen tried to kill?" I knew immediately as I said it that it was too tactless. Rangiku winced.

"Yes," she said. "Her."

"Well, that's good." What else was I supposed to say? There was a silence. Rangiku had looked away, seemingly in thought. "I've never met her," I ventured at last, honest.

"I know," said Rangiku immediately. Then, faux casual, "I heard you're friends with a little guy in the Fourth division."

"Hanatarou? Oh... yeah." I'd been to visit him in the infirmary a few times. I once caught some guys from the Eleventh division picking on him; I stepped in front of him and scared them off with dark threats of sicking their Captain on them. I hadn't really thought much of what I did, but apparently it was big news. Unohana herself had come up to me, smiling slightly, and thanked me for what I'd done, which had made me feel both warm and a little unsure - she had that effect, somehow. Anyway, I guess a lot of people had heard about it. "Why?" I asked. Why would she care?

"You're friends with both the Eleventh division and the Fourth," she reeled off. "You seem to have a gift for changing and inciting people. Your power follows no sane progression. You keep to yourself but almost everyone knows you. And word is Aizen was interested in you." She looked over at me, piercingly again, and something about it made me uncomfortable.

"Yeah?" I said, almost challengingly. "And so?"

"You're unusual," she said. "And I think you might be able to help my friend."

"Are we still talking about Vice Captain Hinamori?" I asked uncertainly.

Rangiku paused. "I'm talking about two people. Hinamori... and the boy who's been visiting his sister every day since she woke up.

"I'm also talking about Captain Hitsugaya."

* * *

The first thing I did was ask Hanatarou to check up on her. Hanatarou had a gift for being underestimated, and an almost equal gift for being invisible. He also worked in the one place every Shinigami went through - the medical ward. So I asked him for a favor and he went personally to check up on Vice Captain Hinamori in the day between when Rangiku invited me over and when I was scheduled to show up.

He managed to give me some minimal knowledge about her state. Just that she was pale and thin and though she smiled at everyone, it seemed forced. "People are worried about Hinamori-fukutaichi," said Hanatarou, concerned. "She's always very nice to everyone, and she was a good fighter." And she'd been betrayed in the worst way possible. Despite what Rangiku said, I wasn't sure if I could help.

When she had a plan, Matsumoto Rangiku was a bundle of energy. It was all I could do to keep up with her as she dragged me into the hospital room, beaming determinedly. "I brought a friend!" she said without preamble. "We were just training and I thought he might like a visit! You're good with meeting a new person, right?"

She turned to Hinamori in her hospital bed, who smiled with effort. I could see what they meant. She didn't look so good. She also didn't seem like she was very good at saying no, because she said softly, "Oh, that's... that's fine..."

Hitsugaya Toshiro was sitting by her bedside. He gave Matsumoto a suspicious look and then looked me up and down skeptically. At last, he turned to his sister. "You don't have to do anything if you don't feel up to it," he said.

"Relax, Hitsugaya-kun -"

"Taich - never mind." He seemed to think better of it. He made her call him by his surname?

Hinamori - who seemed a bit like Inoue - smiled in spite of herself. "It's okay," she said, and then she turned to me. "Hinamori Momo." She nodded her head in greeting.

"Kurosaki Ichigo." I looked her over without preamble, worried. I'd grown up in a hospital and I knew a sick person when I saw one. Not that Hinamori was physically injured - she wasn't. But she did not look well. I remembered then that she'd taken a long time to heal. Willpower played a big part in healing, and I wondered somewhere deep down if, unlike her brother, she just... hadn't had the will to wake up. You know, after Smiling Egomaniac Number One had attacked her. "Are you okay?" I finally asked, bluntly, and there was a stark silence in the room for a moment.

Hinamori's smile faded and her eyes got big. She seemed very vulnerable. Then she perked up. "I've been much better lately!" It seemed false - cheerful, but false.

"Well," I said with false casualness, "that's just great. So you won't mind if I stay for a while?" A slight challenge.

A chink in her smile. Irritation, maybe? "No," she said, "that's... that's okay."

I sat down in the chair on her other side of the bed. She was turned to me, and I saw Hitsugaya Toshiro glare at me over her shoulder. 'What are you doing here?' he mouthed.

I had to hand it to Rangiku: she gave one look between us and began pulling her Captain out of the room. "Taicho, you have to help me with something!"

"Wha - get one of the seated officers to do it!"

"No, no, it has to be you!"

I heard him grumbling as he was pulled away and I was reluctantly amused despite myself. Hinamori giggled.

There was silence for a moment. "She wanted me to talk to you," I said at last, looking over at her sideways.

She sighed and looked down, her smile fading. "I... I know. But really, I - there's nothing I can do about the fact that Aizen-taicho attacked me. No matter what his reasons were." Her hands fisted the blankets. I didn't miss the way she still called him Captain.

"Well," I said after a moment, "that's not true."

She looked up in confusion, her eyes veiled. "What do you mean?"

"I - look." I thought about it for a minute and finally said slowly, "I... could tell you what his reasons were, if you wanted me to. He... he told me."

Her eyes widened. "Why would he tell you?" she asked heatedly before she could stop herself.

"Because he figured I was dead anyway," I said bluntly. "Kind of like he figured you." That made her quiet. "So Aizen kept secrets and," I thought of my own, "maybe I can't blame him for that. That's not necessarily the bad part. Secretly, he became stronger than maybe anyone. He tricked everyone into believing he was different in power than he was. He said he'd reached the zenith of his power. But he wanted more. And that's the thing. More power mattered more to him than anything else - mattered more to him than staying true to his home or to the people around him. He wanted to test his own limits so badly that he created that chaos to do it. Threatened people's lives to do it."

"That... that doesn't sound like Aizen-taicho," Hinamori said at last, her face pale, torn. I wondered privately if she was ready to have this conversation.

"Try telling that to my friend Rukia... or your brother," I offered bluntly.

She winced, looking down. "I-I know it looks bad, but... He always seemed like such a warm person... Maybe it was Ichimaru manipulating the Captain! I never trusted him, I -"

"Ichimaru actually didn't kill me," I offered, "even though he could have." I wasn't sure why I said it then, but she looked up at me, surprised. "Does that sound like Ichimaru?" I asked, on an inspiration.

"No," she said at last, slowly, almost reluctantly, "no, it doesn't."

"Maybe you just didn't know either of them as well as you thought you did," I said, a little awkwardly, trying to be gentle, which I wasn't very good at. "Hinamori, no matter what his reasons... I mean, he stabbed you. Shouldn't you be... I don't know... angry?"

Hinamori smiled sadly at the blankets. "He must have had his reasons," she said. "If that was what he needed to do..."

"So if he uses that Houkyoku thing to attack us, you're okay with that?" I asked disbelievingly.

"No!" Hinamori looked up, suddenly fierce. "That's different, it's -!"

"It's other people," I guessed in realization, finishing the thought. "You can get angry for other people... but not for yourself."

We stared at each other for a moment, and it was as if we saw each other clearly. "How did you know...?" she asked at last.

I gave a small smile, a painful one. "Because," I said, "I'm the same way. I changed a lot, though... after my Mom was gone." I thought of her for a moment. "You adored him... didn't you?" I was looking at the ground.

Hinamori looked down at the blankets. "I did," she admitted. "And you her?"

I chuckled mirthlessly. "More than anything.

"... But there's a difference," I said at last, "and that is that he _expected_ you to die. He has and will attack and hurt others, and he expected you to die. He doesn't think you're going to be able to take this. And that's condescending."

She looked up, her eyes sharpening. Warning. "And," she suddenly said, seeming very much a Vice Captain for a moment, "what are you saying?"

"I'm telling you," I said, just as sharply and directly, "to prove him wrong."

* * *

When they came back tentatively, we were talking about books, of all things. It turned out she was a reader like me, and she seemed brighter and more energetic as she said she had to get back to her office and find some books I just _had _to read, and -

We looked around when Rangiku and _Hitsugaya-taicho _came in. They looked surprised. Hitsugaya's eyebrows had lifted, seeing the change in Hinamori. Her cheeks had more color, her eyes were brighter... _Yeah, _I thought in mild satisfaction, _that'll do._

Then he looked around to me - reluctantly curious. I shrugged.

No one else had to know the contents of the conversation, after all.

"Hitsugaya-kun," Hinamori said enthusiastically, smiling more genuinely, "we like the same books! Isn't that great?"

"You read?" Toshiro asked me, seemingly before he could stop himself.

"No," I said flatly, "I'm completely illiterate."

"No, you're not, stop it!" Hinamori laughed, shoving my shoulder, and I snickered, moving a little off to the side. I felt oddly like Karin for a moment. That was a good thing, I supposed. I respected my sister. God knew she was usually better at this sort of thing than I was. My sisters would have known just what to say.

When I left the hospital room later on in the afternoon, Hinamori called goodbye to me on the way out. I was down the hall when I felt Hitsugaya Toshiro leave the room and follow me. I paused, and he paused behind me. At last, I looked around.

His fists were clenched and he looked at the floor. "I couldn't... I could not..." I knew what he wanted to say. _I couldn't fix her. _"Thank you," he said at last, looking up at me, directly in the eye. "I don't know what you said, but thank you." And he even seemed like he meant it.

"No problem," I said after a moment, smiling slightly. Then, jokingly, "But you're still a prickly little asshole, don't get me wrong here."

"Tch. And you a bizarre idiot." He crossed his arms and looked away, the picture of disdain.

I was amused despite myself. And from that moment on, Hitsugaya Toshiro and I were friends.

* * *

I got to know Jidanbou pretty well through my time leaving through his gate to go visit my cousins. He was a good guy to carry on a conversation with, simple and true, right to the point. The next time I was out there, I happened to mention that I had seen Hitsugaya Toshiro and Hinamori Momo recently.

He waxed nostalgic for, like, ten minutes.

"Ah, they grew up here! Right near my gate!"

"In the first Western district?" I asked, curious. I hadn't heard that part.

"Yes, they were both raised by an elderly woman. She took them in, though neither was related to her." He sat back, his eyes distant. "Hinamori-chan was always a nice girl, but I knew the boy better. Toshiro. He stayed with his grandmother for... a long time. He never really seemed to fit in with the other boys, though. He used to come out here and talk to me." Jidanbou brightened then. "He was the one who taught me the rules!"

I_ knew_ there was a story behind those... "The rules you recited to me the first time we met? About washing your hands and conceding to a good winner and stuff?"

"Oh, yes. A little boy, but he always knew a lot about a lot of things. He told me people were always laughing at me because I didn't understand good etiquette." Jidanbou smiled slightly, sad. "It took a long time, but he taught the rules to me. He'd repeat them over and over again till I could remember."

Patient hadn't been a word I'd have used to describe Hitsugaya Toshiro. It appeared I was wrong. For the first time, I could see why he'd been made a Captain, and not just a seated officer with a powerful zanpakutoh. "... Does he ever come back and see you?"

"Occasionally. He came back when his grandmother died." Jidanbou's eyes were distant, sad. "That was a long time ago, now..."

I looked off into the distance where he was staring, as if trying to see the house for myself.

_Interesting kid, _I admitted to myself at last.

* * *

Some friendships were a little more unexpected than others.

One of the things I was always eternally grateful for was that the Seireitei had running hot and cold water. I was in one of the long row of communal showers in my dorms one morning, and I kept feeling this itching on my arm. About the fifth time I reached up to scratch it, I shot a hot prick of reiatsu through it, hoping that would make the feeling go away. Instead there was an odd suctioning sound, and a... little metal _thing... _poked its way out of my arm.

So, of course, the first thing I did was get really creeped out and shout, "What the fuck?!"

Then I grabbed at the little metal thing and pulled; I felt a tug on my reiatsu and saw that the prod was connected to my arm with blue energy. I pulled again, and the string of reiatsu disconnected; I felt the feeling fade away.

Someone had been... bugging me? Monitoring my energies?

Genuine anger formed over my face. There was only one place that could have come from: the Twelfth division.

I threw on some clothes, threw on my sword, and stormed out of my dorm building and into the courtyard outside. No one else was there; it was still pretty early, the sky pearly and pink above the line of the trees. But peace could be deceiving.

Furious, I shouted, "Alright! Get out here! I found it!" I held up the stupid little probe mockingly.

No answer. If there really was no one here, I was going to feel really stupid, but they had to have noticed _something _when the device disconnected.

"Come on!" I shouted again after a pause. "I know you're out there!"

And at last, out of the surrounding underbrush stepped an expressionless and completely unashamed Kurotsuchi Nemu.

"You guys -" I started disbelievingly. "You know what, it says something about this place that the only thing I'm surprised about was that the information on my reiatsu wasn't just _demanded. _I need to see your Captain. Now." It was time to get this sorted out and establish some boundaries right from the front.

Nemu blinked. "I am not sure that is a good idea," she offered tonelessly at last.

"Well, tough shit, I didn't ask for your opinion," I snapped.

Perhaps she was used to following orders from assholes, because at last she said, "... Follow me."

She led me silently, her head bowed, across the grounds to the Twelfth division's headquarters. The labs inside that we passed, walled off by glass, were all eerily white and pristine considering the creepy shit that probably happened within them. We got through those halls and toward the division offices. People stopped, startled, and half stood up as we walked past.

"Hey, he's not supposed to be in here -!" said some guy with dark hair who looked official enough to have a high position within the division, so when he stepped in front of us, I just did what I wanted to and punched him in the face.

He stumbled back, his face transforming in anger. "Hey -!"

I dropped the probe in front of him and pointed at him. "Shut up," I said with false calm. I turned to Nemu. "Where's the Captain?"

"I'm here," said a voice dryly. "And the only person allowed to physically injure my officers is me."

I looked around. Yup. There was the creepy mask. Like Nemu, he didn't look remotely abashed; unlike Nemu, he was eyeing me brightly with barely disguised interest.

"You fucking bugged me!" I shouted, pointing at him. "That's creepy; don't do that!"

"Now, now, Kurosaki-san," said Captain Kurotsuchi reasonably, smiling and raising his hands. "We had to find some way to test your incredible reiatsu pressure."

"Well, here, let me help you with that." I took out my sword, pointed it at the wall beside him, and blew it out with a Getsuga Tenshou. "Will that do?" I asked sarcastically.

"You're trying to pick a fight," Kurotsuchi observed, "but actually, yes, that helps a great deal. Get to testing the residue!" he barked at one of his officers, transforming in a second, and they hurried forth to do his bidding.

I had a thought. "You used to work for Urahara Sandal-Hat, didn't you?" At this, at last, Kurotsuchi paused; he turned to glare at me. Ah, so I'd touched a nerve. "You're a lot like him," I added, smirking.

"I am nothing like him!" Kurotsuchi snapped, defensive, his eyes widening in a way that probably should have seemed threatening. But honestly, nothing could be creepier than his face.

So. Unlike Sandal Hat, he had a temper and lots of convenient buttons to push. Great to know.

"I disagree," I said, satisfied with myself.

"You seem unaware of the precarious situation you find yourself in," said Kurotsuchi warningly. "I could have you tied down to a lab table right now and study you."

"Nah, you wouldn't do that," I said.

He smiled coldly. "I can assure you, I would."

"Yeah, but you'd get in trouble," I said. "The Academy would come looking for me."

Kurotsuchi paused. "Another time, then," he said at last, smiling eerily. Then, as if on a thought, he did one of his weird turn-arounds again. He turned Nemu and snapped, "Why would you bring him to our offices?!" And then he hit her.

And she just stood there. She did nothing.

"Hey, asshole! Quit it!" I snapped, enraged, stepping in front of her.

"She could have divulged_ secrets_," Kurotsuchi emphasized, eyes widening, waving a hand.

"I - I had her here at swordpoint," I came up with off the top of my head.

Kurotsuchi looked at me sarcastically. "Really?" he sneered.

"Really," I said stubbornly, my face expressionless.

"So she's simply weak," he said, smirking, and I had a feeling in his eyes that wasn't a whole hell of a lot better.

"No, she didn't want Seireitei to get busted up," I argued. "She was just being a good Shinigami."

He looked between us suspiciously. At last, cautiously, I stepped out from in front of her. I couldn't just stand there, guarding her, all day. He paused, and then lashed out, but it was only to grab at her and shove her further down the hall. "Attend to your other duties," he said sharply.

Nemu walked further down the hall, but not before giving me a surprised glance over her shoulder. I had the feeling people didn't defend her all that often.

I turned to go casually - faux casually, at least, I was extremely aware of him behind me the entire time I left. "Next time I find something like that, the hole will be through your head," I called back over my shoulder.

Kurotsuchi smiled viciously, almost eagerly. "I take that as a challenge," he said.

I realized by the time I got outside that this actually amused me. For the rest of the day, I wasn't quite sure what to think of myself.

* * *

So Urahara had left Kurotsuchi behind. And what about who Yoruichi had left behind: Soi Fong? I couldn't help but wonder.

So out of a morbid curiosity, I visited the Second Division's quarters.

"Half of Seireitei seems to have forgotten this, but an Academy student cannot just storm into upper Division quarters without an invitation or mission," Soi Fong snapped, her eyes sharp, standing from her desk. "Don't think I don't expect you to follow the rules."

"Well, I just thought I could -" I began. I wasn't sure what I thought I could do. But I did think I had a pretty good track record with forming a rapport with people so far.

She cut across me. "Unless you are working under me or with Yoruichi-sama, you are of no use to me," she dismissed.

She still cared about her former Commander that much? My eyebrows rose. "What?" Soi Fong snapped, flushing.

Her second in command, Omaeda, had sat back at his desk and was watching back and forth as though it were a tennis match.

"I'm just surprised, that such a businesslike woman would care so much about someone who didn't follow the rules," I said at last.

"How dare you! Yoruichi-sama -" Soi Fong paused, incensed, straight and angry, her fists clenched.

I had to tread carefully, I knew. "Actually," I said, "it was meant as a compliment."

Soi Fong paused again, flushing. She didn't look like she knew _what_ to do. "... Do not tell me what something is as if I cannot read social cues!" she snapped at last. "Besides, how are you all that different from her? You left your home too, did you not?" And here, she seemed calmer, more in her element; she smirked slightly.

"I'm going back," I answered steadily, serious.

"And so did she. Now I have other things to do. See if you can get some conversation out of my Vice Captain, if you choose. He is dull enough that the two of you may get on well together." Soi Fong walked briskly out of the room.

I watched after her in surprise. "She's not exactly the type to be moved by things like that," Omaeda said at last in dry amusement. "I've been wanting to transfer into the special forces section of the Omnikitsudo for years to look after younger members of my family; she's never granted that to me."

I looked over at him in surprise. "But it shouldn't be her decision," I said, "should it?"

Maybe the question was too innocent. Omaeda seemed to think so. "She's the Captain," he shrugged. "What she says goes."

"Yeah," I said, frowning, "but if you don't want to be doing your duty... wouldn't your performance level go down? No matter how good you were," I added quickly. The last thing I wanted was to insult someone again.

Omaeda just looked at me for a moment. "You're a weird person," he said at last. Then, as I shrugged and left to go, figuring this was one I was never winning, he said suddenly, "I'll keep that in mind."

All positions were frozen till after the thing with Aizen had blown over. But he'd "keep that in mind." As it would turn out, he did.

* * *

Believe it or not, I did actually spend time throughout all this at the Academy as well. I had a schedule. I got up early in the mornings, took a shower, and was usually gone before Atsushi even woke up. That way, I could minimize the amount of time he spent around me; he seemed more comfortable with the fact that I wouldn't be in the room very often during the day. For whatever reason, I intimidated him.

I went to classes all morning and sat with Rae and Enzeru in the mess hall during lunch. Enzeru usually brought a group of younger kids along with her, and Rae sat across from me. People I knew from practice sessions would say hi to me in passing, and occasionally stop to talk.

"That's so cool! So it holds all of it...?"

"Yeah, all the music you could ever want. You just have to press the CD disk inside and click it closed and a bunch of pre-prepared music from a certain artist plays over these pieces here." I was somewhat amused by Hidenki's fascination. He was bent over, his eyes wide, as I showed him the wonders of the CD player.

I had figured I was just spreading the joy. If they could modify cell phones, surely they could find a way to modify CD players.

"Rae, are you seeing this?" Hidenki asked excitedly, looking up.

"I've already seen it," said Rae dryly, head in her hand as she watched us, smiling a funny kind of smile she usually had on whenever she watched me interact with other people. "Many, many times."

The bell rang and everyone stood. "I've got to go," I said, gathering up my stuff.

"Yes, me too. Another time!" Hidenki left.

I gave a wave to Rae, and as I left Enzeru called after me, "Have fun today!"

I snorted. "Today's going to be on of the boring days!" I called backward. "Trust me!"

People were supposed to be finding their zanpakutoh spirits today in class. I of course already had mine.

We were sat in a row on the floor before the teacher, a big, friendly man who announced, "Today is the day you first get in touch with your zanpakutoh." A murmur went up among the students. I nearly rolled my eyes and sat back. I decided faking a yawn would be rude.

"When I come over to you, you each will go into a meditative state, the one we've been practicing to get in touch with your soul world. Your asauchi will be before you. I will use my reiatsu and a special technique to try to help your spirit get in contact with the asauchi," the teacher finished. "Alright, let's get started." He clapped his hands.

Sitting back, I watched him go along the row. It was kind of an interesting process. The teacher would kneel before the meditating, cross-legged student. A blue mist would wind its way, snake-like, around the sword lying before them, and - in some lucky cases - the sword would transform. The hilt or the guard would change and be different; in some cases, the swords would lengthen or shorten, change shape. The full shikai would not have come out yet. That part, no one could help a Shinigami with; they had to figure it out themselves.

When the teacher got to me, I smirked. "Please teach me, oh wise master."

"Shut it, Kurosaki, or I'll make you do laps again," said the teacher, who had more tolerance for me than some of the others did. Then he sat down before me, to my surprise. "What, did you think you were exempt?" He smirked. "I'm just checking in. It's a formality, relax."

So I shrugged and did as he instructed. I sat back, closed my eyes, and tried to get in touch with my soul world. The sideways modernized city, the silvery skies above. Sometimes a moon shone through, down onto the landscape. I could feel the two spirits in my soul world, Zangetsu and the Hollow.

Or at least, that's what I thought.

It was hard, being in contact with the spirits and trying to hold them both back. There was a lot of anger there. Impatience. I felt something brush across the sky lightly, analyzing, and I nearly buckled trying to hold everything back from hurting him.

"There's a lot of tension there; try to relax," I heard the teacher say, but it was a lot easier said than done and _damnit couldn't he just finish already._

"... No," I heard the teacher say after a moment. "No, that can't be right."

"What is it?" I asked tightly through gritted teeth, my eyes still closed.

"You haven't accessed your full energy," said the man at last, disbelievingly. "That... is not your true zanpakutoh."

My eyes actually flew open. _"What?"_ The world zipped back into view.

Sensei was frowning. "Perhaps that is what the tension is," he suggested. "Perhaps your power is trying to tell you something. Either way, I... suggest you look into it." He stood up, looking distracted, and walked away. I had the suspicious feeling this wouldn't exactly stay between the two of us, somehow.

I closed my eyes, feeling uncertain - _how little did I know about my own power - _and accessed my soul world. I opened my eyes, and I was there. I was sideways on a skyscraper; all of a sudden I reached my sword up and the Hollow's asauchi clanged against it. I_ felt _his vicious grin and then we'd separated and he jumped back. Zangetsu watched us from an objective perch, reserved.

"What the hell's going on?" I asked them, nervous despite myself. "What did he mean?" I nearly missed the next attack from the Hollow, but managed to push it back again.

The Hollow's eyes narrowed. "He was trying to tell you you haven't been paying enough attention to me," he said mockingly, enjoying my frustration.

"What does that _mean_?!" I was angry, scared.

"Ichigo," said Zangetsu. "Did you really never notice? Your true form is a double sword."

"... Both of you," I said, looking between them. I glanced over in distaste at the Hollow, who sneered and bowed. "Why can't it just be you?" I asked Zangetsu.

"Because I was not originally your Shinigami power in the first place," said Zangetsu simply.

"Then - what? Then what the hell were you?"

Zangetsu smirked, dryly. "Quincy," he said simply.

I stared at him in the moment of silence. "But... but I'm not a Quincy," I said blankly. Flatly refusing. Disbelieving.

"As far as you know," said Zangetsu pointedly, his eyes widening sarcastically. "One of your powers is Quincy," he insisted stubbornly. "The other is..."

"Hollow," said my other self, smirking.

"And you must come to grips with both sides before you can truly master..." said the dark man.

"Zangetsu," they said as one, their voices eerily in sync.

I looked from one to the other, eyes narrowed. I already knew what that meant. It meant I'd have to go to two people. Unfortunately, they were both traitors exiled to the living world.

In order to fully master my power, I'd have to go to my father and Urahara.


	7. Free

Author's Note: Sorry ahead of time about the song. I couldn't resist.

Let me know if I seem to have missed any line breaks. I had to put them all back in manually after saving the document.

* * *

"_Don't let them in._

_Don't let them see._

_Be the good girl you always have to be._

_Conceal, don't feel,_

_Don't let them know._

_Well, now they know._

_Let it go._

_Let it go. _

_Can't hold it back anymore. _

_Let it go._

_Let it go._

_Turn away and slam the door. _

_I don't care what they're going to say._

_Let the storm rage on._

_The cold never bothered me anyway._

_It's funny how some distance_

_Makes everything seem small,_

_And the fears that once controlled me_

_Can't get to me at all._

_It's time to see what I can do,_

_To test the limits and break through._

_No right, no wrong, no rules for me._

_I'm free."_

_- "Let it Go" from Frozen_

* * *

_Chapter Six: Free_

I had to plan my actions carefully. I made sure Atsushi was completely asleep in the bed beside me. Finally, when his form seemed still and he was breathing deeply in the darkness, I sat up in bed and whispered, "Hey. Atsushi." Making sure to keep it quiet.

No noise from the other bed, no shift of movement. He was deeply asleep and must think me the same.

I slipped silently out of bed and got to my feet on the cold wooden floors. My materials had been tucked underneath my pillow. I slipped them out and hid them underneath the wide, loose clothing I wore to bed. I went out the door - quietly, quietly - and down the hall to the communal bathrooms, where I made sure no one else was inside the room before shutting myself in a stall. I dressed in my old black Shinigami uniform and kept Zangetsu, the incomplete version, the shikai version, strapped to my back. Then I went over to the window, opened it carefully, and lifted myself up, jumping easily down to an air level with practice and then to the ground. (I made sure the bathroom window was shut behind me. No trace of evidence could link me to what I was about to do.)

To that end, I walked down to one of the indoor training buildings on campus and slipped around back, underneath the shadows of the eves. Then I took the cloak out and put it on. That way, if anyone had been watching from any windows, or if anyone tracked my reiatsu signature out of the city later, all the trails would stop at the training building - an ordinary place for a Shinigami in training to go, even late at night. I made sure to brush against nothing as I continued farther on out of the city, touching only with the soles of my shoes. I kept to the shadows, basically unseeable.

The only thing that kept me from being stealthy, after all, was my reiatsu.

Thank God for Ishida. Not that I'd admit to his face, necessarily, but this would have been a whole lot harder without him.

I wound my way through the Seireitei, the moonlight shining over me, to the green field on the edge of the city, just by the wall. This was the place where the Shinigami had made the portal, saying farewell to me - I thought for good - after my invasion. This accomplished, the easy part done, I took a chance and pulled the charm from Dad out of my pocket. I shoved some reiatsu into it and _turned _it.

A glowing golden wall of energy appeared before me, pushing me backward; Dad appeared there, in his old Shinigami uniform, seconds later. He had his hand on the hilt of his sword and was looking around, smiling, casual and easy, but deceptively alert. He paused in confusion. There was only darkness and stillness before him.

"Dad."

He paused in surprise. Turned around, slowly...

And his eyes widened involuntarily.

"Where did you get that?" was the first thing out of his mouth.

"It's Ishida's," I said, my eyes narrowing. I took a deep breath, and came out with it. "It's not Mom's, if that's what you mean." His expression suddenly stilled; I lifted my chin, feeling strangely childish and defiant for a moment. "Dad," I said, my expression changing, pleading - weaker temporarily, "I've been talking with my power. I need you to tell me...

"I need you to tell me how I'm a Quincy if my father was a Shinigami captain."

He ran a hand through his hair in a way that, strangely, I recognized in myself. He stood back slowly. "You tricked me," he assumed more than asked, and oddly, he did not sound angry. "You brought me here to ask me questions." He looked upward and grinned reluctantly. "That takes spunk." He was almost admiring. I smiled a little and resisted the urge to roll my eyes.

"Actually," I admitted, "it's more than that. I..." And here, I fidgeted, looking away, not sure what to say. "I had some dealings with Urahara while I was trying to get Rukia back... and..."

"You're a Vaizard." He sounded resigned. "I know."

I lifted my head, confused. "Wait, what?"

"A Vaizard. There's a word for a Shinigami who has Hollow characteristics; it's Vaizard. Aizen up there in Hueco Mundo is doing the opposite; creating Hollows with Shinigami characteristics, or Arrancar. Get it? You're..." He winced and looked away.

"I'm not the first one Urahara has made," I said in realization.

"You're not the first one that has been made," said my Dad quickly, looking up. "Urahara... was framed. By Aizen. Who created multiple Vaizards out of Shinigami he knew, with the Houkyoku. We've known who Aizen really was for - a long time. But after they'd run away to the living world, none of them could ever go back, you see. They risked being killed by the Shinigami. They were abominations; Urahara was the culprit. Or at least... that's how old man Yamamoto would have seen it. So the Shinigami officially did not know. We..." He sighed, looking around restlessly. Paused for a moment, seeing the Seireitei before him again. "We should not be doing this here," he said at last. "People cannot know this, they cannot know about you -"

"I know, but I have to learn how to control my Hollow; I have to talk to you -"

"So you're going down to the living world." He looked me over seriously. "They won't take kindly to that. But why not?" He grinned. "I'll break you out. So what's your plan?"

I stared at him in surprise. "Actually... I thought you had one."

"Why would I have one?" he asked, gaping.

"Because you've escaped before!" I protested, frowning. "How did you do it?!"

"I was a Captain; I had powers to get in and out of the Soul Society that I don't anymore!"

"So you're telling me we don't have a plan?!"

"Well, don't say that like it's my fault!"

"Well -"

My Dad sighed, looked around in irritation, muttered, "There has to be something." Before I could say something defensive, he paused, closed his eyes in frustration. "Why are we here?" he asked at last. "Why did you choose this place?"

"Umm... because it's where I left last time," I said, blinking. "They put the portal here."

He straightened, looked around, grinned. "Aha!"

"I... never thought I'd say it, but it's good hearing that sound. What do you mean?"

"Creating a portal between dimensions is no easy task; once one is made in a certain place, that place is usually kept, and the energy never completely leaves. If we can get the portal to start up again..."

We looked at each other, brightening. "We can leave," I finished breathlessly. Then we were rushing over to the area drawn in dirt where the portal had been. "It was over here!" I said, and he came to stand beside me. I bent and reached down to the ground, pushing some reiatsu into the soil -

"Hey, what are you doing?" he asked warningly, his hand on my shoulder.

I looked up, vaguely annoyed. "I was just going to try throwing some energy at it and seeing what happened. With all the weird stuff my reiatsu does? For all we know, that's all it could take."

"Yeah, but knowing you, we might end up in Hueco Mundo."

I rolled my eyes but admitted, "... Yeah... point. Do you have any better ideas?" It was a genuine question.

"... No," Dad admitted after a moment. "But it can't be that simple! It has to be -"

I shoved my reiatsu into the soil and something reacted back, something hot, springing forward to meet my hands. I bent back very fast and just in time, a surge of energy came up to meet me. And there was the archway of air, shimmering strangely, there before us.

I smirked and looked over. "See?"

"Wow," Dad said thoughtfully, impressed. "I was right. You are weird."

I frowned. "Hey! And I was the one who came up with the idea -!"

Dad snorted and rolled his eyes, smiling. "Just get in the portal, kid."

I quietened feebly.

Actually? I had trouble admitting it even to myself, but it was great to see him again. I sort of liked this new turn our talks had been taking since the Shinigami.

* * *

It turned out we had only seconds to get through the portal once it had opened - something about the right materials not being around it anymore - so of course it blinked out while we were talking. We stared stupidly at the air for a minute, and then I tried to power it back up again. It was harder this time, so knowing we didn't have very much time, I barked at my Dad to go through and jumped in after him. The minute we were through, we felt the portal seal itself back up again.

I'd been worried, but no Shinigami came to meet us before we left.

The run through to the other side was extremely entertaining, and it really shouldn't have been. Not only were we trying to outrun the Kouryuu, we were trying to outrun the wave of energy passing through the tunnel, about to close up the portal on the other side. But Dad kept shouting dramatic announcements that he would stay behind and save me, and I kept calling back at him in alarm to stop being an idiot, so we ended up tripping through the portal and as I was falling through the air Dad grabbed me by the back of the shirt and hoisted me back up to his air level.

"Hey," he said, calm and positive, despite his shouting, "we made it."

I slumped and rubbed at my shoulder, pulling away from him, wincing. "Thank God," I admitted. "Now?"

"Now we go off the grid," he said, more seriously. "We get back to Urahara's before they find out you're gone."

"But Rukia will know where to find me there -" I began worriedly.

"Oh, don't worry." He smiled grimly, humorless. "We won't be staying permanently. You'll have to go back eventually, after all."

I remembered my original mission. "But that's where you'll tell me about Mom," I said. Just to make _sure_.

My Dad smiled sadly, like he had before her grave. "Yes," he said. "That is where I'll tell you about your mother."

* * *

We woke up the Urahara Shouten by arriving at their doorstep. Well, only sort of woke them. They'd felt the surge of energy and were already up. Jinta kicked me in the shins for waking him up in the middle of the night, so I grabbed him by the head and had to be pulled neatly away by Tessai, who I moved away from quickly.

Tessai seemed a little tired and exasperated, but Urahara, as usual, was no different.

("He doesn't sleep," said Yoruichi.

"He's practically a vampire," Dad added.

"You both wound me deeply," said Urahara, faking it.)

"So, Kurosaki-san!" Sandal-Hat smiled brightly, blank. "You are learning more about yourself! All good things, all good things!"

"Things you already knew about me," I muttered, watching him sideways.

"What can I say, Kurosaki-san!" He raised his hands, still smiling, but his eyes were sharp. "I know everything!"

I was starting to realize that.

They let me and Dad down to the training room to talk. I was suspicious at first, but it seemed we really would be doing just that... talking. Dad shifted around, looking everywhere but at me, smiling manically. I was suspicious. "So!" was the first thing Dad said. "We should get some tea! Tea -!"

"Dad." He paused at my tone. I sighed, tired and hurt, too weary to keep from letting anything show. "I just want to know," I said, exhausted. I was back home, back in Karakura, and a deep, bone-weary sort of tiredness was starting to set in, though I was far from finished yet.

"... Okay," Dad said at last, and that surprised me. He took a deep breath. "Your mother," he said, "was from Germany, the original birthplace of the Quincy. Her name was Maria von Schwarzwald. She was descended from one of the remnants left over from the time of the battle, one of those who refused to fight. Her parents died and she was sent to some distant relatives in Japan. She changed her name, and that's when she became Kurosaki Masaki. She was living with the family of and destined to marry," here, my Dad smiled wryly, "your friend's father, Ishida Ryuuken."

"Weird..." I said before I could stop myself, as I thought about it. "You mean... the guy who never talks to Ishida?"

"Don't ask me to explain the dynamics of the Ishida family, especially after the death of your friend's mother, but yes, that's the one. She... I was down in the living world, in Naruki-cho, Tokyo. I was investigating some mysterious deaths and disappearances, unofficially, and I came across... The forerunners of Arrancar, in retrospect. Urahara, when I met him, would tell me later. Aizen had gotten to the point where he was experimenting, even then, and I fought one of his experiments. I was injured fighting and she jumped in and saved me by destroying the Hollow in my place. She was injured, doing so. Just this little teenage girl in a high school dress. I saved her by taking her place from the resultant explosion of the Hollow, so I saved her, she saved me. We found out we were Quincy and Shinigami later on. I think we both surprised each other a lot, actually.

"We parted ways, but Masaki carried her injury with her; her body was starting the process of breaking down into a Hollowified form - much like yours has done. She collapsed at home one night and was brought by Ryuuken to... well, actually, we met each other on the street. I'd returned to the living world, without permission. Just an intuition.

"As it turned out, of course, I could never go back.

"Urahara stopped Ryuuken and I from getting into what would have been, in retrospect, a pretty stupid fight. He knew how to save Masaki. He said I had to seal myself to her, entwining our souls together; in the process, I'd have to sacrifice my Shinigami powers. I agreed. It was really the only honorable thing to do. She was only suffering because of me. In the process, I sacrificed my life as a Shinigami, my life in the Soul Society. Doing what I'd done, I couldn't -"

"You could never go back to your home," I echoed in surprise. That was what I had almost done for Rukia.

He eyed me knowingly, smiled a little. "Yeah," he said. "You've got it.

"Obviously, the marriage between Ryuuken and Masaki never went through. Maybe he thought it would have been a little stupid to marry a woman so closely connected to someone else. Either way, we dated in college. We got married. She died saving you from Grand Fisher, and I couldn't even..." He looked away, snorting mirthlessly. _And I couldn't even do anything to save her. _That... that would have killed me, I realized. In some ways, my Dad was stronger than I was. "You really do know the rest from there.

"But... part of you is Quincy. It's irrevocable, your mother was one of the Archers. That will always be there inside you - no matter how many times Ryuuken points out to me that you're 'not of pure blood.' And, like with the Hollow part of you..." His face turned serious. "You probably shouldn't tell anyone about it."

I straightened. "I know," I said instinctively. And then... "So... what can I do with it?" The question was tentative, unsure.

My father seemed dryly amused. "You're friends with a Quincy and you don't even know how they work?"

"I - I've never had to know any of that stuff!" I said at last, exasperated.

"Quincy use the spiritual particles around them and bond them with the power inside them to create weapons," he said.

"So..." I wasn't about to turn into Ishida, but there was no harm in curiosity, right? I reached inside myself, to one of the Zangetsu spirits, the dark one, the one that represented my Quincy energy. He connected with me, curious, and I sort of reached out to the energy around me and... brushed at it. I collected something like a cobweb from the air, electrifying, and injected it with my reiatsu. A weird spark of blue energy appeared from my hand and then fazed out of existence.

I frowned, and tried again.

I collected more and more, inside and outside, and this time I tried to make it a certain shape. I imagined the full bow, but what actually ended up happening - as my father stepped backward, quickly - was that what would have been the wooden part of it formed in my hand, painful to keep there and hold, a surge of electricity through my fingers... My power made the weapon massive, stretching out across the desert of the training chamber, so - breathing hard from the effort - I tried to take part of that... and _stretch _it around - to form a bow. I was almost there...

And I was so busy I almost missed it as the bow got too hot and something ran out.

All of a sudden, I had all this energy building up in my hand. Panicking, I tried to find something to _do _with it... And I pointed my hand at the line of trees in front of me.

Like it had always meant to, my power leaped out of me, wisped through the air...

And the entire line of trees in front of me exploded.

I stared in shock as the fire burned out of existence and smoke spread out from the ashes.

"What the fuck was that?" I asked before I could stop myself.

_That, _said the one side of Zangetsu, satisfied, _is what you do. All Quincy have powers, same as Shinigami. You put your energy into things, they are destroyed. A convenient way of siphoning off energy._

"I don't know," my Dad said, his eyebrows raised slightly, in a completely different manner, "but that'll work."

"Ah, Kurosaki-san, I see you are destroying my training field!" I looked around to see Urahara standing there, smiling, and a whole group of people standing there behind him. Their expressions ranged from curious to suspicious.

"Uh, how much did you s...?" He watched me, his eyes bored. "Never mind," I said at last. "Anyway, that's kind of what it's there for. Who are these people?"

"They are going to help you take that saying literally, Kurosaki-san." Urahara's smile faded into seriousness. "They are the Vaizard who will teach you how to control your Hollow side."

I froze, something within me going cold. I could feel the _other _spirit within me smirk in anticipation. He was going to be the one... who was harder to master.

I knew that, because I knew him as well as I knew myself. He was the angry teenager who just wanted to be strong.

But if I could master him... I could learn Zangetsu's true form.

"I take it we're not doing this the way we did it for my Mom," I said, just testing the waters. A few people behind Urahara seemed amused.

"Unfortunately, your process is too far gone," said Urahara. "You will need to master your Hollow side the _other _way."

"The hard way," I guessed, straightening a little, hardening.

"How'd you know?"

"Because it's you," I said flatly.

Urahara smiled slightly. "Fair enough," was all he said.

He stepped aside, and reluctantly, so did my father. "Sounds good," said one of them, smirking, stepping forward. "Let's get this party started!"

"Don't hurt him," said my father, frowning, and momentarily, I was surprised by the concern.

"It's up to him," the leader returned flatly. "If he's up to it, he'll succeed."

My attention turned to them - the betrayed, the Vaizard. The leader was tall and skinny, with short blond hair and protruding teeth. He wasn't much to look at, but he had a native sort of confidence about him that made you think there was more to him than met the eye.

"You said I'll succeed if I'm up to it," I said, my eyes narrowing. "What do you mean by 'success'?"

"I mean when you're one of us," said the leader, and that just cleared up _everything_.

I was frustrated. "Look - you -"

"Shinji," he replied easily, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah. Great. Shinji. Not that I don't want to join your little Vaizard club and all, but what the hell do you mean? I thought I was 'one of you' already," I said, uncomfortably.

"You are not technically a full Vaizard," said Shinji.

"What? So what am I?" I asked incredulously, for once completely lost.

"You're some asshole who's very slowly turning into a Hollow," said a girl next to him, about eleven or twelve with freckles, sarcastically.

"And you're going to tell me how to stop that process," I said with a chill - just to make sure.

"Duh," said the girl, rudely.

"Hey," I said defensively, "the last thing that is is obvious. Why would you guys help me?"

"Because we think you're going to come upon the inevitable," said another, strangely dressed man, velvet collar, long blond hair. His face was matter of fact, almost uncaring. For some reason, he reminded me strangely of Kira Izuru. "Despite your best intentions, you're going to find you have to turn from the Soul Society, like us. For what you are."

"What? And then I'll just come crawling back to you?" I asked, more offended at the implication of crawling than anything else.

"You're damn right, you should be proud to -" said a muscled guy with a crew cut - army guy - viciously, moving forward.

"Uh, let's not get too hasty here," said a girl with short green hair, looking nervously from one to the other, stepping between us.

"What we mean is that we'll help you for now, and we hope you'll repay us back later," said a big man, round and heavy.

"Yeah," said an afro guy evenly. "You'll be able to use the Hollow to your advantage, like any other power. You'll be in the driver's seat. Not him."

The wording surprised me. They knew what a driver's seat was. "How long have you guys been hiding out in the living world?" I asked slowly at last.

More than one of them smiled humorlessly. "A long time," a bespectacled woman with long dark hair said.

Again, the unfairness of the Soul Society filled me. But somehow, I couldn't imagine some of the people I was friends with turning on me because of what I'd become to save Rukia. Did that make me naive?

"So... what do I do?" I asked at last.

Shinji watched me assessingly. "Given what I know about you, I'm surprised you're this teachable," he said. "Your control over your own power feels better than I'd have expected, too."

"Will that make this easy?" I asked tentatively.

Shinji smirked. "Nothing makes it easy," the dark haired woman echoed flatly. I'd kind of figured.

The rude girl stepped forward. "Release your Hollow," she said, and my eyes widened.

"No fucking way," was the first, worried thing out of my mouth. "I'm not giving _him_ control -"

"Why not?"

"Because he'll destroy you!"

"He'll do what you tell him not to," Shinji guessed. "But you're the boss." He faked surprise.

I paused. "... What do you mean?" I asked at last, slowly.

"You need to find a way to make his power work for you. Give him control. And then wrest it back without suppressing him completely. That's what you have to do," said the dark haired woman, who reminded me a little of Ochi.

"But in the meantime..." I began slowly.

Then the bratty girl was right in front of my face, her sword lashing out toward me; I dodged slightly just in time, older instincts coming to the forefront, and I saw her face right up close to mine, a Hollow mask over one half of her face... but her eyes clear and her own. My own goal, before me.

"Don't worry about us," she said. "Worry about yourself." Then she plunged the sword with a hot, knifing pain into my shoulder, and as we struggled, she shoved my head to the ground. I could never tell if that's what did it or not, if it knocked me out - or if it was the sight of my father and Urahara being none too gently pulled away and pushed toward the exit of their training chamber, the feeling of being abandoned, no matter how expected - but somehow something that had been waiting for a long time plunged his way to the forefront, and then I was in two places.

I was in the cityscape, fighting against a smirking Hollow self.

And I was trapped in my own body, watching helplessly as one white, Hollowified hand plunged upward to wrap around the girl's neck and hoist her up off her feet with a roar, and the other pulled her sword easily away from her, a wash of reiatsu obliterating all existing wounds, thoughts - everything.

Everything, a divine, bloody fantasy.

* * *

I expected him to just powerhouse it straight away. He had always favored quick, simple ways of overpowering the opponent in one go and getting the fight over with quickly. So, as he eyed me across the rooftop from me, still, I expected him to go into bankai. He didn't, to my surprise, so I tested the waters. Maybe he was waiting for me to make a move.

I muttered a kidou spell - shouting would have advertised what I was doing before I did it, which makes zero sense in a fight, and I hadn't quite given up all my street fighting instincts - and the ground beneath us rumbled. Great arms made of stone burst out from the rooftop underneath us, and the hands slammed inward on either side of him to squish him in their center. He disappeared for a moment, and then there was a golden glow and the arms exploded into rubble. I had just enough time to register that he'd shielded himself and then changed the nature of the shield in mid-spell, pushing the energy out around him in a way almost reminiscent of my Quincy power - before I sensed him behind me. He'd used the glow as a distraction and flash stepped to get around me.

I ducked and rammed out toward his knees; he shoved his own sword downward toward my shoulder; I caught the blade in my hand, ignoring the pain, and we hung there for a moment before I released and jumped back, giving myself some space. To my surprise, so did he.

"You're not the only one who's been improving," he answered, still smirking, his eyes glowing and viciously alive. "As you grow, so do I. I'm you, remember?"

I ignored these words, calculated to make me uncomfortable. One invaluable thing my cousins had taught me was faked calm.

My eyes narrowed. "So... you're hesitating?" I asked assessingly.

The smirk widened. He took it as a challenge, as I'd known deep down he probably would, and jumped forward.

Our shikai cutting in wide arcs, sometimes with the ribbon involved for more reach, we began an intricate dance of swordsmanship, clashing and clashing against each other.

* * *

They took turns, each Vaizard fighting me differently. I had no control over my body; it was a mindless rush for food, for power, everything darkness. The hard, suffocating plaster of the mask had formed over my face, my fingers reaching out, ripping, ripping at everything they could come into contact with.

I had to win; I could not let the other Zangetsu inside me reach out to unite with this body. It was stupid now, but he was too smart for his own good.

I heard them speak to each other as they switched places, fought, eyeing me suspiciously with their bodies tensed across the distance.

"He'd better go through this fast."

"It's not a fast process."

"He's not normal. That's what Urahara said. It was _his _idea to do this the quick way."

"Well, it's not like we have much time! Remember, they'll be coming for hi..."

* * *

I only switched to bankai because I got fed up with the size and weight of shikai. For some reason, as it never had before, now it seemed -

"Cumbersome?"

I glared in my other self's direction; he was eyeing me over with mild interest. "Get out of my head."

"We're in your head, genius."

"Fuck you."

"How creative."

"I'm saving my creativity for the fight."

"Now, now, boys." The Zangetsu who represented my Quincy power was lounging off to the side. He rolled his eyes.

I was for some reason offended. "You could at least act like you give a crap about who wins this fight!"

"Don't yell at me, Ichigo," said the other Zangetsu sharply, straightening. "No matter who wins this fight, you will both be here in your soul world and people will be trying to kill us. So, essentially, things will remain the same."

I looked between them. "Neither of you care _who's_ trying to kill us," I guessed. "You're just power."

"As long as I fight, you know I don't _really _care who it is," said the Zangetsu who looked like me, who represented my Shinigami power for some fucked up reason.

"So that's why you belong in _here_," I emphasized, "and I belong out _there_." The boy across from me froze. Glaring. "You're not a human," I realized, "no matter how much you act like one."

The Quincy Zangetsu was thoughtful. "You know, he has a poi -"

"_Shut up." _The boy's face twisted, he was abruptly right in front of me, and I realized too late that _he _was in Bankai too. He got a cut across my arm that hurt like a bitch before I managed to get away; we both upped our speed, frantically, frantically, clashing and cutting across each other, flash stepping around each other, and I waited, waited, and at last I saw an opening. I leaped forward, head first, cutting down across his sword and then further down to his bent knees; I cut across one of his legs, and then we leaped back from each other, but he didn't move as fast as he used to.

He shot out a Getsuga Tenshou and I dodged; I did the same and he dodged; we stood there across from each other, both bleeding, at a stalemate.

"You know, King, I could do this all day," said the Shinigami Zangetsu at last. It was true, he didn't seem winded and I did. I knew what he was referring to - the thought that had led me to sacrifice myself on the night I'd met Rukia.

I steeled myself, again faking confidence. "I refuse to be defeated by you," I said simply. "I'm going to win."

His smirk widened. "No, you're not." But I'd already seen him lose his cool, and this didn't hold as much weight as it used to.

"What is that you called me?" I asked.

"I called you King," said Zangetsu. "That's what you are. You're the King of your soul world. And we're the King's horses." I looked slowly from Quincy Zangetsu, who was calm and matter of fact, to the one I was fighting.

"The King rules the body," I realized. "And so..."

His smirk widened. "That's right," he said. "I'm the horse who wants to be King."

* * *

I could feel myself transforming, shoulders broadening, spikes protruding, arms and eerily long claws becoming white with black patterns. It was a bizarre sensation and wholly alarming. It's hard to overemphasize how it feels to be trapped inside your own body. Pain only seemed to fuel the transformation. Each new attack from the Vaizard charged me with a strange, unholy, dark kind of energy that I could feel myself succumbing to.

It reached me even in my soul world: I only had so much time.

* * *

I decided to try something. We weren't getting anywhere; we were too evenly matched. We could do this forever. How was one of us supposed to win? Fighting came naturally to him and my experience with the Shinigami had made me strong.

How was one of us supposed to be stronger than the other?

Rukia's voice echoed back to me: _"Ichigo. You're supposed to work __**with **__your power. Not against it."_

I was brought back to that moment training with Rukia, that moment when the two of us had just sort of... blended.

I tried it again. We occupied the same soul world, the same space. I tried to feel where he was moving before he did. He could hear my thoughts... Surely, if I listened, I could feel his.

We fell into a sort of dance. Each of us could judge the other's moves expertly, each of us dodging, using hand to hand and bankai both. But it was almost like we weren't really fighting each other anymore. Neither of us got hurt. If I'd been paying attention, I could even have noticed our swords melding together upon contact, the lines blurring before we separated again. It was... calming.

Or at least, it was before he started running his big goddamn mouth.

"See? You're strongest when you listen to me. I'm stronger than you." He looked at me mockingly; we were separated, breathing hard.

I glared. "You're _not _stronger than me. But -"

"_I'm_ the reason we survived out there. Me."

"What do you mean?" I was guarded.

"You know what I mean." His expression was hard. "_I_ was the one out there in the streets. I guarded you against Renji. I guarded you against Zaraki. I -"

"But I'm still out there," I ground out, "because _I'm _the one who won in the shaft."

He went silent. Glaring.

"No, listen to me," I said. "I've made my peace with the other Zangetsu. We work well with each other. But you..." I was distasteful, looking him over. "I don't like you," I admitted. "But I'm starting to think that's my fault. I... I'm the reason you exist."

His expression heated, he opened his mouth, but I kept speaking, fast.

"You exist because _I _couldn't deal with things. I... made you. It was a conscious decision. And that's why I don't like you. But... I'm still in control. But maybe... we would be stronger... if we listened to each other... more often."

Okay, something had better happen. Because, that? That had been really hard to admit.

He looked at me for a moment. Then he smirked. "What do you want now?" he asked. "A hug?"

"If you hug me, I'm killing you. I don't even care if you're me."

It was a strangely humorous moment, and I felt like we'd made it to the same space. But then he said, still watching me with interest, "... Fine. If you think you're stronger than me, prove it. Prove that you can read my movements."

And he came at me again.

Outside, with all the Vaizard surrounding it, ready for an attack... the Hollow that was me paused.

The Vaizard paused as well, watching in surprise. Caution. Hope.

I had to sync with him completely, I had to know how he'd move before he did. I waited as he came at me, watching, listening.

His sword went in toward me, directly, and I was ready for it; I blocked it with my own. He was going to move away again and attack me from a different angle. I _knew _that. I didn't know how I knew, but I did. So I... entrapped his sword, in a sense. I caught it between my sword and my hand, I _twisted_ it around... and as he paused in surprise, I sent out a thrill of energy. Not a Getsuga Tenshou, but a new attack, cross shaped, one that required two beings to complete. I sent it down his sword, which was really mine after all, when it came down to it, and it cut in a great line down his arm and across his chest. A burst of blood came out, his mouth opened in reflexive surprise and his eyes widened.

I pulled the sword out of his weakened grasp and put my own sword right by his neck line.

He stood there, face twisted in defiance, waiting and waiting. And then he smirked. "Well?" he said. "Aren't you going to kill me?"

I took a deep breath. "... No. And it's not because I feel sorry for you," I spat out in disdain, my face twisting and cool, as he opened his mouth to gleefully call me an idiot. "But if we're going to... work in tandem..." I forced out in distaste. "It wouldn't make any sense."

He watched me for a moment. The other Zangetsu looked from one to the other, his eyes narrowed. "Know this," my other self said at last, his voice becoming somehow deeper than it really was, ringing out across the distance, inhuman, "as your power, I demand action. I demand constant use. And if you ever grow weaker, somehow slip up, I will _destroy _you. I will take you over, and there will be _Nothing. Left_."

I listened to this, and accepted it.

That was just the price I paid for having power like mine.

* * *

And then the two beings in my soul world merged into one, and outside, the Hollow melted away, like a husk, to leave me, standing in the center.

I had just enough time to register myself - two simple katana swords, one strapped on either side, dark where light should be, Zangetsu's true form - and to register that a Vaizard's Hollow mask was over half my face, but me tightly controlled, in the forefront, in the clear. Then I realized I couldn't _breathe. _(It's impressive how distracting that can be.)

Shaking, I fell to my knees. I knew by now to let the changing power have its day, so I eased into it and things settled, just the slightest bit. The two beings within my soul world were now quiet, at last - content. And I realized that for the first time in ages, my mind was quiet. A wave of exhausted relief swept over me, and I collapsed over onto the ground, my cheek against the floor and my eyes dazed.

There was a pause, and then I heard someone kneel down next to me and felt a quiet hand on my back. "Hey," the leader, Shinji, asked. "Y'okay?"

I let out a breath of incredulous laughter. "I think I'll survive," I admitted.

As the Vaizard turned away, I took a chance and let a light of blue Quincy energy pulse briefly on my finger. It worked.

Just checking.

* * *

By the time we were finished, it was morning. I felt awful, slow and sluggish, with a weird taste in my mouth and an ache behind my eyes. I collapsed behind the counter of the Urahara Shouten and slept all through the afternoon. Yoruichi and Ururu even kept Jinta from prodding we periodically. The Vaizard had gone, to I knew not where; their reiatsu had disappeared off the radar completely, I had noted in exhaustion.

I probably could have slept into the next day, but I was woken in the evening to take a shower and eat something easy to keep down, a warm bowl of soup. I sat there cross legged with my two dark swords propped next to me, still unused to the strange feeling of... peace within my soul world.

"You know," my Dad said wryly, sitting beside me, after a while, "your sisters are probably wondering where I am. They're going to get really mad that you were home and they didn't get to see you."

I lifted my head. "I don't have time to...?"

"The Shinigami will definitely be here soon," Yoruichi commented, leaning against a corner of the room. Urahara was seated in the space before the counter, facing the door, a smiling facade of calm. "You might have to take a lot of shit for this."

I winced. "I know," I said. "But I would have had to deal with even more shit if I'd snapped one day and accidentally killed somebody."

"Fair point."

"Well, I should be going," said Dad, standing and stretching. "As much as I find your conversation fascinating, I don't."

"You're kind of an asshole," I told him.

"So are you," he responded, smirking, and when I couldn't argue with that, he left. He probably should minimize his time around the Shinigami as much as possible.

* * *

It only took a few minutes more for it to happen. A huge rift appeared in the reiatsu in the air of Karakura. Out stepped three people: Rukia, Renji, and Byakuya. Rukia in the lead, they headed at high speeds right for the Urahara Shouten.

They seemed furious. Great.

"You _idiot!"_ Rukia burst through the door, and Renji and Byakuya hung back in dubious surprise as, glaring, she charged right toward me. I stood quickly and put my hand against her forehead, holding her back and dodging as she took a swing at me.

"Hey! I was training! Training!"

"Training for _what?" _ She stopped, hands on her hips; then I pointed beside me and she looked over, falling quiet.

"Some... people here were helping me," I said evasively, looking away and tucking my hands in my sleeves.

"But, I thought you'd already connected with your zanpakutoh," Rukia said quieter, frowning in confusion.

For the first time, Byakuya spoke up. "I witnessed your bankai," he said.

"I've seen you train, you'd achieved materialization! What the hell?" Renji, coarser, added.

"I..." I was still looking away, not sure what to say. "I hadn't accessed my full power yet. It's... complicated."

Renji and Rukia still looked confused, but something like realization passed across Byakuya's face. I remembered then: he'd seen the other Zangetsu, the one Renji hadn't seen. The one who looked like me that had alarmed him so much.

"But -"

"Rukia, let it be," said Byakuya quietly. Rukia turned in surprise to look at him, torn.

"Nii-sama -"

"It is of little consequence what he was doing with his time," said Byakuya coldly. "He is not, as was feared, betraying us. This will come as a relief to many," he added, his eyes narrowing, and for a moment it felt almost like he was scolding me.

"Yes, you idiot, people are really angry, what were you -" Rukia punched me in the arm, fervor coming to her suddenly again.

"Ow!"

"Rukia," said Byakuya, closing his eyes as if attempting in vain to find peace, "we are nobles. We do not hit people lower than us."

Rukia blushed and lowered her gaze. "Sorry, Nii-sama."

"We attack them using more refined methods, like swordsmanship."

"Hey!" I felt the need to comment.

"She's right, though," said Renji casually, serious. "Some people thought you'd defected to join Aizen. Others were angry with you, saying they could have helped you, if you'd just stayed.

"You've made a lot of friends in the Soul Society, you know."

I could feel it when I walked into the long meeting hall, the Captains and Vice Captains in a line on either side of Commander Yamamoto at their head and center. The glares leveled on me were numerous and heated. I kneeled and lowered my head.

"Um," I said sheepishly into the echoing silence, "I think I should start by saying I'm really sorry I didn't warn people before going to train with my father?"

There were a lot of angry, contemptuous noises, a few eye rolls and mutters, but some of the tension deflated from the room and turned to exasperation. "So you think you can just apologize and let things return to normal?" Yamamoto said severely, glaring himself.

I kept looking down. "... No," I said carefully. "I just... thought I should let everyone know. I was only training with my father. To further unlock my powers."

"And you could not have simply _requested permission _to do this?"

"I..." I paused, caught off guard. "Would I have gotten it?"

"That is beside the point -!" Soi Fong began, snapping, before Yamamoto lifted a hand and she quieted resentfully. That girl really didn't like me.

"Why are you wearing a Shinigami uniform?" Yamamoto asked then, quietly. "I keep telling you to stop getting ahead of yourself. You are not yet a Shinigami."

I wasn't sure how to say the black uniform felt more comfortable, natural, so I kept silent.

At last, I heard a sigh from above me, a world-weary sigh. "Luckily for you, your Sensei has corroborated your story. He claims he found a part of your zanpakutoh you had not unlocked yet. And we see the evidence before us." He nodded to the sword at either hip. "A two soul zanpakutoh. Exceptionally rare," he added then, softly.

"Congratulations," Kyouraku dared to say then, smiling easily. I knew from rumors that the only other two with a two-sword zanpakutoh were him and Ukitake, both trained by Yamamoto himself.

"So, to recount, you are rebellious, unappreciative, and impudent," Yamamoto said briskly. "You have confusing powers which follow no sane progression and you feel you may leave the Soul Society wherever and whenever you choose. Do you deny any of these charges?"

I winced. "No," I admitted, and waited for the verdict.

"You must stay at the Academy for at least one year total, and you have revoked your right to choose your own division when the time comes. You are dismissed."

"Wait..." I lifted my head in wonderment. "That's it?" Was that... normal?

Yamamoto's presence greatened severely. "_Would you like it to be more?"_

"No, sir!" I straightened quickly and bowed. "I - I'll be leaving now!" And I turned and hurried from the room before he could sentence me anymore. I saw Yamamoto roll his eyes as I left and mutter something about a spoiled child.

I heard the meeting spill out of the hall behind me and Hitsugaya Toshiro fell into step beside me. He seemed a little irritable, but the way he looked me over was reserved. "You were wondering," he observed, "so I thought I should let you know that before several months ago, that would _not _be normal. You are... changing things."

I was surprised. "... I am?"

* * *

I was censured in front of the whole class by several of my Academy teachers but, confusingly, this just seemed to make the student population admire my gall _more. _I got countless questions asking for stories and managed to evade the main part of them. Rae found the harassed, shifty-eyed way I was moving around between classes hilarious.

"There's your punishment," she said, "right there."

"What did I do that was so wrong?!"

Enzeru smiled slightly. "Oh, Nii-chan," she said in fond exasperation.

One night I decided to test my new powers. I snuck out of my dorms and into one of the outdoor fields I wasn't actually allowed into, aside from classes. Shadows blanketed the training area, moonlight shining over them as I took a deep breath. I had better control, and could now retract into asauchi, one simple sword and one simple form. I pointed the asauchi out before me. I reached down into my soul world, the sideways city shrouded in silver mist. "Explode," I intoned, "Zangetsu!"

One sword became two as I held them both in a great sweep of my hands, so fast most could barely track it. I saw Zangetsu's merged form, one great black and white figure with serious eyes, stand before me for a moment - then the image disappeared and a jet of energy flew out from the swords and crashed into one of the target dummies across the training area from me. I reached up and I pulled down the Hollow mask, straining, straining - it only lasted for a few seconds before it, too, disappeared. I reached out and clicked my fingers, and in a jet of blue Quincy power, another target exploded before me.

I watched the smoke rise up from what I had done, and reflected on this new power of mine. Took it into myself, accepted it...

I looked downward at my two new, slim, dark swords, so mismatched with my Academy uniform.

_Yeah, no kidding. If you really wanted to, you could probably kill every Academy student you know in one go, _said the Zangetsu who looked like me.

_I'm not doing that. _Mentally, I rolled my eyes; he liked the shock effect and after a while that was just sort of lost on me as I got used to the chatter.

_I'll have you know I would not be averse to the idea, _said the other Zangetsu, the dark one, curiously.

_That'd disturbing, _I admitted.

The voices in my head disturbed me. Great.

* * *

"You've made quite an impression on the Soul Society, Ichigo," said Kyouraku, grinning and lazing back languidly. We were at a restaurant that he and Ukitake had taken me to, for some odd reason - odd considering I was still in my Academy uniform and I didn't know either of them that well. Four of us were sitting around a low-set table together.

"So I've been hearing," I returned dryly. I kind of felt like stuffing my face, but I'd been taught to eat carefully and hold myself in a certain way. The only problem with that was that food disappeared _very slowly._

"Captain, should you really be drinking that much?" Ise Nanao asked, deadpan, with a look on her face that said she'd been there before and knew it wouldn't make a bit of difference. She was sitting stiffly next to her Captain, who'd already had a couple of bottles of alcohol.

"Nanao-chan, you worry too much ~!"

I grinned in amusement at Ise Nanao from behind his back. She flushed and lowered her eyes.

"By the way, I never got to thank you guys," I added, pushing aside this odd reaction and turning toward Ukitake, who looked even paler than usual but was doing his best to smile through the ill cast to his face. "You helped me during the invasion." The thought had just occurred to me.

"Ah, we were just doing what we thought was right," said Ukitake sheepishly, in a calm, friendly sort of way. Once again, I hoped I made it into his division. "There is no need to thank us."

"I was just following him," Kyouraku added teasingly. "It was all his idea."

"Yes, thank you for telling Yamamoto-soutaicho that later after the invasion's end." Apparently, Ukitake was well versed in sarcasm.

"So..." I said in the pause that followed. "Not to be rude or anything, but why am I here?"

"Our zanpakutoh share... similarities," said Ukitake, more seriously. He indicated the two swords leaning beside me.

"So I've heard. Two-sword zanpakutoh are supposed to be pretty rare," I returned. "But what does that have to do with anything...?"

They stared at me for a moment, and when they smiled, it looked utterly alien. "We just thought people of like minds should stick together!" said Kyouraku. It was so obviously a slight fib that I eyed them for a moment, my mind spinning. One thing that being a stranger in the Soul Society had taught me was how to read hidden signals.

"You guys wanted to see what I was like," I realized, remembering that Ukitake was the one who had given me the badge that acted as a tracker, who had spoken for the rest of Seireitei. "You were assessing me."

Ukitake winced slightly; Kyouraku just stared back at me, unashamed. "Well, that's a strong word," Ukitake said at last. "We... were curious. You have to understand -"

"No, I get it," I said. "I'm not offended or anything. I just don't like little white lies."

"Little white -?"

"It's a living world saying," I said, realizing from their confused expressions that they wouldn't understand. "Never mind. I'm still a stranger here, it seems."

"Not as much as you used to be," said Ise Nanao suddenly, surprising everyone. When the gazes turned to her, she looked down carefully again, adjusting her glasses. "Or... so I've heard." Gossip at a Shinigami Women's Association meeting, perhaps?

"She's right," said Ukitake kindly, turning back to me. "It should fade, with time."

"I hope so," I admitted uncomfortably. I looked away.

Kyouraku, not unlike Keigo would have, seemed to notice the tension in the air. "Ah, we all need to stop talking about such depressing things ~!" He waved a hand and leaned forward. "More sake -"

But just then, something happened that made all four people at the table freeze. Then, after a moment's heavy pause, there were shouts and people running out into the streets. I went outside as well, staring up at the sky, the other three behind me.

A rift had been created in the blue. And out of it were falling figures. Powerful-feeling figures. That was what I'd sensed in the pause.

"What is tha -?"

"Aizen's Arrancar," one of the Captains said, now deadly serious. "They have arrived.

"The fight for control of the Seireitei has begun."

* * *

For a moment, I wondered if this was how the Shinigami had felt, watching me and my friends pierce the barrier. I realized I'd become one of them. And for some reason, I didn't like that feeling.

The attacks came in waves, seemingly endless waves of weak but annoying Hollow-like Arrancar falling from the sky and laying waste to Seireitei buildings and people. The Academy soon began to shut down all its non-vital classes and focused on intensive battle training; all students went through emergency lock-down drills, bells ringing all across the campus as weaker students went to underground shelters while upper level students entered out into the open air and the fighting. Needless to say I was allowed outside, though I had to admit to myself that even if they'd told me to go below-ground I probably wouldn't have listened.

One thing I discerned quickly while cutting through the Arrancar was that, while they carried weak forms of asauchi zanpakutoh like Shinigami in their white monstrous claws, they did not act like Shinigami did. The minute three ganged up on me and formed around me in a circle - well, the first thing I did was fire two shots before and behind me then swing my two swords around to spear the third one, relying on advice from my inner world a little more than I was still comfortable with. But _after _that, it occurred to me that that was the first time I'd been ganged up on since... since I'd entered the Soul Society.

And that was when I realized: Hollow didn't follow strange one-on-one fighting codes of honor. Why would Hollow Arrancar?

So I ran over and burst in on a fight between a fellow student and an Arrancar, attacking it from behind just as the other boy attacked from the front. The Arrancar dodged the frontal attack but hadn't noticed me behind it. "Duck!" I shouted as I shot an energy attack through the thing and it dissipated.

The boy got up, scowling, in the aftermath. "I could have finished it off!" he berated me, and people didn't do that very often. "Did you think I couldn't handle it -?!"

"They're ganging up on us," I interrupted him firmly. "Look, most of your life was spent here in the Soul Society, wasn't it?"

Begrudgingly curious, he paused and nodded.

"Well, outside the Soul Society? People gang up on other people in fights all the time. It's totally normal. If we want to beat them, we have to understand how they fight."

It seemed like a sound plan to me. So what I ended up doing was running along an upper air level in the Seireitei, batting out of the way Arrancar who fell in my path and looking for another Shinigami's fight to help them finish. I tried to be equal - helping the lower level Shinigami and the Captains and Vice Captains equally. I got a lot of indignant anger, which didn't annoy me as much as it could have because I just assumed I wasn't actually saving anyone's life - the Arrancar didn't seem that powerful to me.

Then I got a cold dose of reality.

"You know, if this is the best Aizen's got," I said, "he's not nearly as scary as he seemed at first."

I was talking to Rae before waiting for a class to start.

She seemed solemn; her face had been thinner and more pinched than usual lately. An uncomfortable expression came over her face. "Ichigo -"

"Yeah, I know, I know," I said. "This probably isn't actually the worst of it. Captain Hitsugaya warned me about the same thing earlier -"

"No," said Rae. "That wasn't what I meant. Do you - want to come with me?"

After class, we walked the pathways of the outdoor grounds warily, as students always did now. We passed by the crumbled ruins of one of the training buildings; a couple of Arrancar had laid waste to it the other day. It occurred to me, then, that the tables had turned. Usually it was the living world being attacked by things it didn't understand. Now it was the Soul Society. I hardly ever saw my friends anymore - anyone working in a division was working too hard on too serious of problems for anyone to bother with me.

We got to an uncomfortable stretch of ground; one lain with dead bodies covered in cloths. I paused. "Who are all these people?" I asked at last, slowly, guessing I wouldn't like the answer.

Rae looked down quietly. "They're Academy students."

My eyes widened. "_All _of them?"

"Enzeru won't even come here," Rae said. "It scares her too much. It makes sense, Ichigo," she added at my expression. "Academy students are the weakest targets. But that actually... wasn't what I wanted to show you."

She led me down the rows to one fallen corpse and then, as I watched in dread, she knelt and removed the cover. And I beheld the dead, pale face of Nakamaru. His eyes were blank as they stared up at the green leaves of trees and the slate grey sky.

My hands involuntarily bunched into fists. "What -?" There was pain and anger in my voice, a confusing mixture. I couldn't speak for a moment, or take my eyes off him.

"He snuck out," said Rae softly. "The teachers don't know how he managed it. He wasn't supposed to leave to join the fighting."

But he'd always overestimated his own abilities. And that was a hard moment for me, because I had never liked Nakamaru. Privately, I'd always found him annoying. But it occurred to me, then, that that was exactly what _I _would have done.

"Aizen," I said at last, bitingly. "What right has he, to do that to any of these people? Who died and made him God, judge of right and wrong?"

Rae didn't answer, but I knew the answer. No one.

And that was the moment I decided I did not like Aizen Sosuke.

* * *

The ring of the alarm bells came to be a normal peal after a while, the battles expected, heavy and exhausting. I was keeping light on my feet one afternoon, battling off two Arrancar by dodging their attacks swiftly, when a voice came from behind me, a voice that sent me cold to the core, a voice I recognized.

"Ichigo..." Sibilant and evil.

I whirled around and my face hardened.

I recognized him, though he'd gotten bigger and he looked different, changed, carrying a zanpakutoh. That was the Grand Fisher.

The tiny lights in his eyes sparked. "I found you!" he crowed in triumph. "I found -"

I adjusted one of my swords, pointed it behind me at an angle, and shot an energy attack straight through both Arrancar behind me, killing them in one stroke. They'd been about to attack me from behind, and I needed my concentration for this one.

I took a stance, eyeing him warily. He wasn't carrying my mother's form anymore. "You decided to change, to become one of the Shinigami you were always so contemptuous of?" I asked him, testing the waters.

He smirked, wholly maddening. "Anything that makes me stronger, that helps me survive longer, I will take." And then he paused. "You are... different from before," he added. "Why have you not attacked me yet? Are you possibly... frightened?" The lights in his eyes narrowed. And then I felt a burning pain graze across my side; I leaped out of the way, cutting off more of his tentacles before they could reach me. He had snuck one around my other side while I was watching him; it had cut me across the side, by the ribs. I saw that there were spikes in the tentacles now; they appeared and then retracted.

I scowled. _Focus, _I told myself fiercely. I sent a kidou spell at him, just for variety, and he mistook his dodging time because mine was so much bigger than normal. (_Ha._) Fire caught his hair as he was blown off to the side, rolling over and then lunging at me furiously. I rushed up to meet him, slashing across with more energy than I'd put into anything in quite a while.

It took a lot of speed and dexterity, creativity, lots of dodging, because Grand Fisher seemed able to transform physically more than he used to be able to; it was like fighting a constantly changing carousel. I also had to parry weak blows from his sword. But in the end, the fight was rather anti-climactic. I let myself get wrapped up in the tendrils coming out of him; he thought he'd got me and made a triumphant noise.

I rolled my eyes. "Moron," I muttered, and let a Getsuga Tenshou right through into his center. I felt him tremble once all across his frame, an entirely eery sensation, and then I fought my way out as he fell limply from the sky and onto a rooftop below me.

I stared down at him, strangely shaken, not triumphant like I should have been. People were dying against these things. I hadn't had to use my Hollow mask yet, let alone my Quincy powers.

Just how much stronger than anyone else, even my former self, had I become?

I felt thirteen again.

* * *

It was nighttime and me and Atsushi were in separate corners of the room, each pretending to do something important, each facing a wall, our backs to each other. The usual awkward, uncomfortable silence had filled the space. Atsushi had begun to seem thinner lately. He was one of the older students, out fighting like I was, and he seemed pale and stressed out. I was worried about him, but I wasn't sure how to tell him that without getting a weird reaction, so I hadn't.

All of a sudden, I sat up straight, getting to my feet. "There's another attack coming," I said seriously, and a moment after I felt it, so did Atsushi.

"Wha -?" he said, frowning and turning to me, before breaking off, his eyes getting big. The reiatsu had reached his senses.

Then there was a rumbling that started up as we stood there, tense. "What's going on...?" I asked slowly. The reiatsu signature seemed so much bigger than it had recently... almost like they had sent out stronger Arrancar to attack us...

And then the rumbling culminated and I ducked, covering my head with an arm, as the entire wall I was facing suddenly blew out, revealing the street and running, shouting black-formed people below. Standing there in the air was an entirely humanoid figure, a lithe and muscular human-like Arrancar, with half a mask bearing great gaping teeth, his hair blue and a sarcastic, vicious grin in place over his face. He raised his arms sarcastically.

"I'm here!" he said. "And I'm looking for one Kurosaki Ichigo!"

I recognized several things in him immediately: I recognized carelessness. I recognized strength. And I recognized the look of someone as if from the streets, someone who didn't care whether people lived or died.

"Atsushi," I said immediately without looking back at him, "run."

He had gone for his sword, and I could feel him glare at my back defensively. "But I -"

I turned back to him once with a cold, dangerous expression. "_Now_."

He swallowed. Using his intimidation of me had worked to my advantage. He nodded, turned, and left. The Arrancar made no move to follow him as he hurried away out of sight.

"... You're not interested in him?" I asked cautiously after a moment.

The Arrancar shrugged and sneered, still disconcertingly human. "He's weak," he spat. "I'm not interested." For a moment, I was reminded of Zaraki. "So you're not going to avoid fighting me?" he asked then, curious.

It was almost an insult. Snarling, I activated my zanpakutoh into its new shikai the same time as I leaped at him, using the power's momentum to shove us out above the street level. "Get out here and stop fucking up my room," I said shortly, taking a stance in front of him. "I'm going to have to deal with that later, you know."

The Arrancar grinned. "Don't worry about it," he said. "I'm going to kill you anyway. What's the difference?"

He seemed so blase about the whole thing. Then again, he used to be a Hollow. "... We introduce ourselves before we cross swords," I said at last, reluctantly curious. "It's a thing here."

"And you care about shit like that? Well, that's dull. Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez, at your service." He bowed mockingly. So he did have a name. I'd been wondering. Before I could think any further, he was in front of me. He pushed my swords aside without caring that it cut his hand and aimed a punch at my face. "Nice to meet you," I heard him say at the same time, but he reminded me of my old self and that pissed me off, so I was pretty determined not to let him beat me. I dodged the punch slightly and went to sweep his legs, but he locked his legs under my knees in an uncomfortably intimate gesture and flipped me over onto my back.

He was close over my face so I spat, "Personal space," and went to stab at him with my swords. He jumped away and I expected him to jump back, but all of a sudden he was behind me. I hadn't expected him to be so... fast.

It was like that for a while. He kept getting in good hits and I kept backpedaling steeply. He hadn't even used his zanpakutoh; he fought me just hand to hand, which made me feel annoyingly small. Grimmjow fought with a clear recklessness as to his own safety, the same kind of enjoying, intuitive fighter that the other Zangetsu did, that I had once. So of course the other Zangetsu wanted to come out to play, and I ended up fighting myself as well as my opponent.

"You seem distracted," Grimmjow noticed, as I dodged an energy attack from his palm that he called "_Cero." _Then he aggressively thrust his chin forward. "It'd piss me off if you weren't putting your all into the fight."

I sighed sharply. He was right; this took more effort than any of the others had and the only reason I hadn't gone Hollow yet is because somewhere in the back of my mind I hadn't expected to use my full power.

So... "Your wish is my command," I said, straightening and glaring, and I reached up to pull the suffocating Vaizard mask over my face. Then I followed the reiatsu trail I laid out for myself and suddenly I was right in front of him. I slashed him across the arm as he half reached up in surprise to dodge.

His face, paradoxically, transformed into one of delight. "Fuck yes!" he shouted, and then threw himself into the fight again. We traded blows, lightning fast, me using swords and him fists, each wounding the other... And then a surprising thing happened.

I lost control of the Vaizard power. I straightened in shock, my eyes widening in genuine surprise, as the mask abruptly shattered and fell from my face. I couldn't dodge in time and Grimmjow's punch hurt a whole side of my face, flinging me skidding back across the space between us.

_There's a __**time **__limit? _I asked the other Zangetsu disbelievingly.

_And the only way to improve it is through more training, _he analyzed, for once grim.

I sat up to find Grimmjow standing there at a tilt, watching me, not even bothering to move. "What the hell happened?" he asked sarcastically. "You were doing so _well."_

Shit. I realized for the first time there was a possibility of me actually dying. I needed to get out of this, now. So I stood up and fired an energy attack from my swords straight at him, and, as I'd half known he would, he responded by grinning and firing a cero at the attack. The two energies met in mid air and caused an explosion, and before it had even finished I was running.

"Hey -! Fuck, get back here!" I heard him follow me furiously, calling me a coward. I tried to tune him out and not let my ego get in the way. I knew what I had to do, and one of the Zangetsu in particular had tensed in anticipation.

As I ran across the expanse of Seireitei, looking for a good spot, I passed other fights happening between high-ranking Shinigami and other powerful, human-looking Arrancar. Matsumoto Rangiku was fighting a girlish-looking male with short dark hair who was leering about her breasts. He had tentacles coming out of him and had wrapped her up in them, but just as I was looking to help, she glared at him, releasing her zanpakutoh and burning the tentacles with hot ash. He shouted out, enraged, retracting. I passed by a fight no one else was getting within ten feet of; Unohana, her hair long and her normally warm face cold and dead, was torturing a screaming, eerie-looking Arrancar whose true form was some shrunken heads in an elongated jar. Well, that explained why everyone in the Eleventh division was terrified of her. I passed Komamura fighting two who had ganged up on him, one a fellow giant, another whose mask was slowly breaking off into little pieces but who felt stronger for it. Byakuya was sending senbonzakura petals to chase an Arrancar that seemed to be a hand to hand fighter, and there was the sheer incredulousness of Ise Nanao (of all people) fighting a bizarre-looking giant, ugly cross dresser with a flair for drama. Soi Fong was fighting an Arrancar, close sharp knives against close sharp knives, a whirl of silver. Nemu was fighting an Arrancar that was obviously a deformed, hunched, eerily grinning creation: creation vs creation.

I finally found a good spot, a corner where no one else was, where no one would be able to see me, where there was no destruction (yet). I paused, staring at the cornered wall, steeling myself for what I was about to do. Grimmjow jumped down and stopped behind me.

"Have you finally stopped running from the inevitable, you little shit?" he asked bitingly, and in response, with some amount of satisfaction, I turned around and clicked my fingers.

Quincy power exploded from me and a gigantic explosion ripped across Grimmjow's chest. He shouted out, being thrown backward, and then snarled, leaping toward me - and then he paused.

I heard it, too. A high keening sound was emanating from the dark scar in the sky.

"Damn," Grimmjow spat. "Aizen's calling us back to Hueco Mundo." Hueco Mundo: the desolate space between worlds where Hollows lived. "This isn't over," said Grimmjow, his eyes wide and excited, backing up. "Not by a long shot!"

And then he leaped away and left. I let him leave. I watched the others float upward toward the sky, two girl Arrancar having to be physically yanked away, screaming, from their fallen female comrades. And only when there was no chance of him seeing me anymore did I slump in relief, bleeding from several minor places.

* * *

I walked through the Fourth Division hospital hallways in the aftermath in disbelief, staring. There were lower fourth division members rushing past me in a harried way, doing this or that, but it was like I was somehow separated from them, a ringing sort of silence in between us. I had been healed fairly quickly, and learned I was lucky. So many higher level Shinigami had been injured.

Matsumoto Rangiku had strangle marks on her neck, but had been discharged fairly quickly. Ise Nanao had also been minorly injured fighting the ugly cross dresser. Ukitake Jyuushiro had shaken everyone by being forced to fight two powerful people despite a sudden bout of his illness - he was in the hospital on life support and it was uncertain if he would survive. He had been left for dead by an Arrancar named Ulquiorra. Hinamori Momo was also on life support, again, and Tetsuzaemon could not be found. Kyouraku was a little cut up, but admitted at least one of his opponents didn't really seem to have his heart in the battle, and Zaraki was more seriously injured but didn't care because he'd gone through two Arrancar in a bloody massacre and had apparently had the time of his life. Isane, the gentle Fourth Division Vice Captain, had actually died, and more than one Fourth Division member had started wailing when they heard the news, showing a racking kind of remorse - numerous other division members who had been healed by her showed a different emotion, anger and indignation. Inoue Orihime would have been made unhappy by the news; they'd bonded over hair care during her visit here a while ago. Unohana Retsu, though seemingly back to her old self, had calmly and icily taken the name of the perpetrator: Tier Harribel, one of the female Arrancar who had shown her own kind of screaming emotion in reaction to two of her fallen female comrades.

Hisagi Shuuhei had surprised everyone by killing two Arrancar, and Renji was injured but had also won his fight; Renji had not yet been discharged. Omaeda killed an Arrancar and Kurotsuchi Nemu won her fight, but only because her own regenerative abilities proved vastly superior to her antagonist's. She needed some down time in the twelfth division to regrow things - like, you know, organs. Her Captain, meanwhile, had killed Arrancar and won his fight.

Sasakibe had also died, leading to a burning, calm sort of anger on the part of his uninjured and wholly victorious Captain - Sasakibe took two Arrancar down with him. Hitsugaya Toshiro was unconscious in the hospital with serious injuries, but it was thought he would survive.

All this I had learned with grief, but there was one person in particular I was going to see.

I walked into the hospital room, and there she was, lying on the bed, a still, pale doll shrouded in white, hooked up to beeping machines. I walked up to her slowly, staring and staring. I tried to feel - no feeling would come. Rukia was not dead, but she looked it. Her eyes were closed and her face was a bluish-white. She had fought two Arrancar who had ganged up on her (identified as Shawlong and Abirama) and that made a choking anger fill me - that, more than anything. (Unohana's words echoed through my mind, solemn: _She is lucky to be alive.) _The unfairness of it all had consumed my thoughts since I'd come down off my high at the end of the fight.

I reached out and touched her hair, dark and spread across the pillow. She'd have told me off if she could see me like this - mourning over her. But somehow, I couldn't find it within me to leave, or even care.

Footsteps echoed behind me, and the numbness sharpened into anger, at being disturbed now of all times. I stiffened and whirled around, my back straight and my eyes intent. "_What?" _And then I stopped in surprise.

Flinching backward, but not leaving, was Atsushi. Standing there in the doorway, wincing.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "They said you were here. I can leave -"

"No," I said, to my own surprise. "It's fine. Stay."

Atsushi took a deep breath. "I wanted to tell you something..." And then his courage seemed to fail him. He fidgeted and looked at his feet.

Before, I would have snapped. Now, I just thanked God for my cousins. "Atsushi," I said, my voice so chilly even I barely recognized it, "my patience is not at its best right now."

He twitched, again. "You're right, I'm sorry," he said, and then he looked up, almost surprised. "That's what I wanted to say," he said. "I'm sorry. And... thank you, for saving me. I... this could have been a lot different, between you and I. It could have been a good friendship. And for that..." He looked away. "For that, I am sorry."

I stared at him in surprise for a moment. "... That's alright," I admitted at last, cautiously. "I'm glad you're okay."

He looked up, and a tentative peace formed between us. I'll never forget what he said next. "We won, you know."

Stupidly, unknowingly, I just gaped.

"It's true," he said. "They lost seven. We lost two - maybe three. We won."

And he turned and left. I ran things over in my head, and realized he was right. We _had _won.

So... why didn't it feel like a victory?

* * *

Time passed, and in a strange bent, classes returned to normal. Perhaps the Arrancar and Aizen had been shaken by their defeat, because no more attacks came. Shinigami healed and went back into service - some with sorrow, but no more died. I continued leading classes and hanging out with Rae and Enzeru. People treated me more reverently than before. My friends ran interference and I tried to ignore it. Harder to ignore were the ruins of buildings around the once-pristine Seireitei.

I hadn't seen anyone higher up since the battle, though many of them, even Rukia, had gone back into service, and for some unaccountable reason that made me nervous.

Then I got back from classes one afternoon and I found a note on my bed. I half expected it to be from Atsushi - we'd been getting along better lately - but instead it was more official, on insignia printer paper and everything.

_Kurosaki Ichigo's presence is officially requested at Division Twelve headquarters tomorrow at 0800 hours._

My first thought was, _Ah, fuck._

It didn't even register that they'd stopped using my father's surname. In retrospect, it really should have.

Kurotsuchi Nemu was waiting for me inside at the front of the building. "Hey," I said awkwardly, "you're... back." She looked strangely normal.

She looked down. "Yes," she answered softly, "I am."

"Good job, by the way," I added, looking for some sort of reaction. "You know, in the battle."

She looked up at me in surprise, blinking. "It is what I was built to do."

I had no answer. I realized she was right - it was.

"Follow me," she said then, and we walked down the hallway. I expected to pass the labs, but I was surprised to find that blind-like screens had been drawn down over all the windows, so we couldn't see what was inside. I paused, lifting one of the blinds curiously.

"Hey, what's with this -?"

Nemu turned back and raised a hand in genuine alarm, the first time I had ever seen it on her. "Please, do not touch tha -"

But it was too late. I saw what was going on inside the lab and flinched back, reviled, the mocking screen falling back down into place. Set on lab tables, disgusting and bloody with entrails dripping out, were the remains of dead Arrancar. They were being dissected and studied like beasts.

"What the fu -?!"

"Kurosaki Ichigo, please -"

"What the hell are you people doing in he -?!"

"You were not supposed to see that -"

I stormed past her down the hall. "Kurotsuchi!" I boomed. "Get out here!" I got down the end of the hall to the only open doorway and burst in - only to stop in surprise.

Inside the pristine white room were a group of the friends I had made among the Captains and Vice Captains over my time in the Seireitei. They looked around, oddly nervous, upon my entry - well, some of them, anyway. There were Rukia, Renji, Byakuya, Ikkaku, Yumichika, Zaraki and Yachiru, there was Matsumoto Rangiku, Hitsugaya Toshiro, even Soi Fong and Omaeda. There were Kyouraku, Nanao, and Ukitake. Hanatarou was hiding in the corner near Unohana, very small. I almost missed Hinamori, just recently woken up, leaning against the back wall, heavily winded. Why was she even risking her health coming here? Kurotsuchi was out in front, smiling unashamedly as per usual.

"You sick son of a bitch!" I addressed him, knowing he wouldn't care.

"You yell at me a lot," said Kurotsuchi brightly, and then he sneered, "Perhaps I should teach you a lesson."

"Don't give me a reason, I'd love to have a go at you right now!" I snapped. "What you're doing to those people in there -!"

"Kurosaki-san, exactly how did you expect us to gain information about the Arrancar? What do you want us to do, bury them?" He clearly found the idea laughable.

"But they're -!"

"They're not. _People."_ Everyone looked around in surprise, me included. It was Rukia, of all people, who had spoken. She was standing there, glaring at me steelily, her fists clenched.

I was... disappointed, of all things. "But Rukia -"

"Do you know what we found out one of them did?" Her jaw was clenched, her eyes flaring. "The one Unohana-taicho destroyed, Aaroniero, was made from the same Hollow who destroyed Kaien-dono!" There was a heavy silence. "He was saved by Aizen. He'd merged with Kaien-dono and taken on his form and abilities! He'd use these in _battle_! Like Grand Fisher took on your mother's form!"

Her angry, hurt eyes bored into mine. I swallowed.

"They are monsters, and I told you that from the beginning! We cannot think of them as anything else!" Her voice cracked at the end, just a little. Byakuya, his face expressionless, placed a careful hand on her shoulder, and she looked down.

"But part of them's human," I said in a small voice, feeling once more lost amid a sea of people unlike me. "And just because they're wrong, that doesn't make this _right_."

"As much as we appreciate your idealism, Ichigo," Zaraki, of all people, said dryly, "that's not actually why we're here."

"Why_ am_ I here?" I asked, confused as I realized this for the first time.

"We have... an interrogation of sorts for you." I looked around to find Hitsugaya Toshiro, calm and deadly serious. "You're not going to like it."

I felt it - the nervousness had returned. "Well," I said slowly, "what do so many people want to ask me abou -?" But, stupidly, I had forgotten one tiny detail: Kurotsuchi Nemu, silent as a grave, had entered the room just behind me.

I sensed it the moment she touched my back, every muscle seized up and I came under the throes of a kidou spell - one I had never felt before. Words whispered, either through the room or through my mind, _Ichigo's mother_, and then all of a sudden the room was gone and before us were scenes from my childhood, overlaying the room for all to see.

* * *

_A little orange-haired boy was curled up in a corner of the Kurosaki family house, drawing a picture. His mother, a beautiful woman, came over and leaned down. She saw the picture and she smiled._

"_It's beautiful, Ichigo," she said._

_The boy looked up and smiled, a big, gentle smile. His eyes shone with adoration._

"_If only he'd put that much effort into karate," said his father dryly, entering the room, "he'd be top of the class."_

_The boy immediately looked down, self conscious and nervous, and the mother looked up, frowning scoldingly._

"_He can't help what he likes..."_

_Another memory surfaced. _

_The boy was in a karate spar with a girl with short dark hair. The girl hit the boy. He fell over onto his butt and, after the moment of surprise, started crying freely. _

_The girl stopped awkwardly, looking down at him in exasperation. "Aww, come on, don't be like that. I hate hitting crying kids." When he continued crying, she put a hand on her hip and raised her other fist threateningly. "I'll still do it, ya know!"_

_The boy continued crying, insensate, and the girl sighed, watching him._

_But then his Mom came in. The boy looked up. All his tears dried and a thrilled smile came over his face. He jumped up and ran across the mat and over to his mother as she beamed and swept him up into her arms._

"_Mommy!"_

* * *

_A different scene emerged._

_The boy was backed into a corner of the school playground by three bigger boys. They were hitting and kicking at him._

"_Look at his freak hair! Strawberry shortcake, strawberry shortcake!"_

"_He is a freak. Talks to people who aren't even there."_

"_Yeah, who were you talking to out there, you little - Guh!" And suddenly, the speakers head went forward, his face spasming with pain. Everyone looked around._

_The little dark-haired girl was standing there, frowning determinedly, another rock in her hand. "Get outta here or I'll stone you to death! I read about that in history class, you know!"_

"_Oh man, it's Tatsuki Run!"_

"_Run!"_

_Terrified, the boys ran away. The little boy straightened, attempting nonchalance. "Thanks, Tatsuki-chan."_

_She dropped the stone and came over, sighing, looking him over in concern. "You've got to be tougher, Ichigo. You've got to start winning fights, or people will always be able to push you around."_

_The boy looked down shyly. "I don't like fighting," he murmured. "You know I don't like fighting, Tatsuki-chan."_

* * *

_The mother was walking the little boy home from his karate class, down the sidewalk the two of them, holding hands underneath the umbrella, because it was raining hard that June 17th day. All of a sudden, a truck zoomed past them on the road, splashing wet all over the boy in the raincoat his mother had wrapped him up in. He winced and put up his hand as the cold splashed his face, his cheek, the chill soaking through into his shirt._

"_Oh, what a bad truck," the mother cooed gently, pulling him in closer to her and wrapping her arm around his shoulders. She pulled out a handkerchief and rubbed it in soothing circles across his face and cheek. "Are you okay, Ichigo? Here, we'll switch places." She was looking down at him warmly._

"_No, it's okay," he said quickly in his nine-year-old voice, looking up at her and becoming more determined, harder, in an echo of who he would become. "I'll stay here. I'm in a raincoat, but you're not. I'll be okay."_

_He looked up into her face and said earnestly, "I'm going to protect you from now on, Mommy, okay? I promise, nothing will happen to you!"_

"_Oh," she said, her face lighting up in impressment as she leaned back slightly to see him. "How brave! I certainly feel much safer now." He beamed._

_Then all of a sudden she stuffed the handkerchief in his face and started rubbing playfully, saying, "But until you win at least one match against Tatsuki-chan, I think I'll be doing the protecting, okay?"_

_Indignant, he struggled and shouted something into the muffling handkerchief that smelled of her perfume (freesia). _

"_I can't understand what you're saying!" she sang brightly, her own sense of humor showing through, and then she removed the handkerchief quickly._

"_I said I got a hit in last time!" the little boy yelled indignantly to the skies._

"_There's that fire I like to see! Aaand, we're done." She straightened up, whipping the handkerchief back into her purse. "Now let's go!" She took his hand, gave him one of her most wonderful smiles that always got him to smile back, and they started walking down the sidewalk together again._

_It had rained that day, and the day before that, and the day before that. On the other side of the road, across from the mother and son, there was a muddy bank, leading down to a creek flowing past. Today, of course, the bank was especially muddy and the river was overflowing. Despite that, there was a girl - with brutally short dark hair and thin satisfied lips - standing unsteadily on the edge of the river bank. Her face calm, her head tilted. One could just make her out across the road through the sheets of rain. She looked like she was about to jump in and drown._

_So the little boy broke away from his Mom and ran forward to try to pull the girl back from the riverbed._

"_Wait here, Mommy!" he called, running determinedly across the street full of cars. She called after him in a panic, running after him to try to pull him back, across the street full of stopping, honking cars. There was a screech, and a thump, and something hitting him hard in the back, and the little boy was knocked unconscious into the muddy river bank. _

_He blinked his eyes open, awoken from the daze he'd fallen into. _

_His mother had fallen on top of him, in the midst of trying to protect him. _

She was staring me in the face, her beautiful eyes open and glassy, her white face flecked and her hair matted with her own blood. Still. Unbreathing. Her dead, cooling arms wrapped around my figure, holding it in, pushing me in toward the mud of the ground as if burying me along with her -

I screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed, I pushed and shoved and my nails bit into her flesh with terrible sounds, I struggled out, covered in mud and blood, my eyes burning with tears, my vision blurring, my world spinning, narrowing, narrowing down to its primary point, and then exploding.

Completely.

It was like I was already dead.

"_-my! Mom! MOOOOOM! AAAAGH! NO! Mom! Please! Please come back! Please please, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, MOOOOOOM! Get away from me, get off of me! MOOOOM! MOOOOOM! No, no, no -" Tears and blood and mud all over me, struggling through the ambulance authorities and bystanders trying to hold me back, my face twisted, reaching out toward her fallen form, screaming and wailing, hysterical, screaming, screaming, wishing I could turn back time -_

_BREAK _

_The little boy, his eyes bloodshot, is standing on the dried creek bank the next day, tears in his eyes. The remnants of his backpack have exploded around him and his eyes are wide, staring at the ground, his fists clenched._

"_But that will never happen again," he said. "I will never be too weak to save someone I care about again."_

_BREAK_

_The boy is older, a whirl of fists, knocking down the last opponent in his karate sectional before black belt. His eyes are intense, zoned out, fanatical._

_BREAK_

_The boy is a teenager now, surrounded by a group of street thugs. He lifts his arms and, of all things, laughs. He looks around him. "Well," he says, "any first takers?" A wide, vicious grin._

_One of the thugs moves toward him, and then Ichigo moves. With a reckless, ecstatic abandon for his own safety, he rips through all of them in a bloody stream._

_BREAK_

_Pale, thin, bloody, and broken, the same the boy is rocking back and forth in the dark shadows of his bedroom, head in his hands. "Never again," he murmurs, "never again."_

_Before him on the floor is a picture: This is Who I'm Not Going to Be._

_BREAK_

_In high school now, a big thug with orange hair named Ooshima is looming up before him. "Come on, fight me, Kurosaki," he says._

_Ichigo turns away. Though Ooshima can't tell, his hands are fisting his bookbag._

"_-my! Mom! MOOOOOM! AAAAGH! NO! Mom! Please! Please come back! Please please, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, MOOOOOOM! Get away from me, get off of me! MOOOOM! MOOOOOM! No, no, no -" Tears and blood and mud all over me, struggling through the ambulance authorities and bystanders trying to hold me back, my face twisted, reaching out toward her fallen form, screaming and wailing, hysterical, screaming, screaming, wishing I could turn back time -_

* * *

I came back to myself, screaming, lying on the cold white floor of something like a hospital or science lab, people holding me down. I thrashed and moved, struggling to get upright, images flashing past, imprinted in the back of my mind.

"Ichigo! Kurosaki! Damnit, he's caught in the memory -!"

"What _was _that?"

"It was a Hollow." Rukia's voice sounding shaken. "His mother was killed by the Grand Fisher. I knew it, I _told_ you this was a bad idea -!"

"ICHIGO! CALM DOWN!" Renji's voice. I stopped. Renji.

And then the memories came filtering back to me. I slumped for a moment, and people let go of me cautiously. My last shout, hoarse and deeper than I remembered, echoed throughout the room and I became aware that my vision was blurry because I was breathing hard and tears were in my eyes. I pulled away from everyone who was leaning over me, standing up, gasping and leaning against the wall, back to everyone, so they couldn't see my face. I realized I was shaking.

"Ichigo...?" Rukia was the one to finally ask, cautiously.

I took a deep breath. "What was that?" I asked, shaken, focusing on the smaller things first. "What did you do to me?"

"It's a spell we created," said Kurotsuchi's voice, and for once he sounded serious. "It brings to the fore a person's memories of a specific person or event and projects them temporarily onto the surrounding reality. Our sensors picked up your use of a Quincy spell during the battle and we needed to research your knowledge of the only possible link we could think of. We had to ensure you were not a traitor."

So they'd seen _- everything._

It was hard, but we just had to do it. The Shinigami byline.

I let out a mirthless laugh. I turned around, my face hard and twisted, and they looked worried, the room quiet, which for some reason just made me angrier.

"_You -" _You betrayed me. Which just sounded pathetic.

"Ichigo -" Rukia took a step forward, her hand out. "I'm sorry, I told them this would hurt you -"

I wasn't in any mood to hear it. "_Stay away from me," _I snapped. Some of them flinched back, but no one made any move as I went to leave.

* * *

I ran where I'd run last time - I ran to the only people who hadn't seen such humiliating memories. My cousins.

"... So," said Ganjyuu after a while, sarcastically, leaning against the door leading out back, watching me pace stormily back and forth, occasionally firing off an energy attack from my equally irate swords at a set of targets that Kuukaku had set up for me. "I take it something bad happened."

"No fucking kidding." I fired off another energy attack, this one particularly hot and vicious.

"You know," Ganjyuu said thoughtfully after a while, "we never have forgiven your father for leaving our family."

That, of all things, made me pause. "... What?" I looked around at him like he was crazy.

Ganjyuu shrugged casually. "But we haven't gotten angry with you for that. 'Slike my sister said. You didn't have anything to do with it."

"What are you telling me?" I asked carefully, my eyes narrowed.

"I'm telling you to place the blame for whatever has happened at the feet of the person it belongs to. And that's the most philosophical thought I've come up with all month, so you'd damn well better appreciate it." I stopped, and snorted, looking away. Strangely, I found myself biting back humor. At the feet of whom it belonged. At first, my anger told me they were all to blame. Then a little voice in the back of my mind pointed out the decision to mind fuck me had probably come from way higher, Yamamoto or even the Council, and my friends had probably been there in a more supportive way. Rukia, for one, at least said she'd hated the idea.

Which synced with what I knew about her. And them.

Damnit.

But that didn't change one important thing. The Shinigami. The institution. It had done this to me. I used to think I could differentiate between my friend and the uniform, but now I wasn't so sure.

I didn't want to become a Shinigami.

... What did that _mean_?

"You can stay here with us until you figure everything out," Ganjyuu said evenly, and went inside.

* * *

I didn't go to school for a couple of days. I didn't who had said what to who, but I got no reprimand and no one came to get me. I sat a lot in the backyard of the Shiba house, and went out into the Rukongai villages close to the offending gates a couple of times. I wasn't sure what to do. Both Zangetsu told me to just fuck the Shinigami and run away, but when I pointed out the million logistical and personal reasons how that wouldn't work for me - when I pointed out that I'd probably never be able to see Karakura again - they had nothing to say.

On the third day, a note came, and it was from, of all people, Hitsugaya Toshiro. Like him, it was short and to the point.

_I would apologize on behalf of myself and my superiors, but I am aware of how little that would do._

_The person who gave the order has been reprimanded. I maintain what I said before, that you are changing things. _

_Certain people are sorry. _

_Your friends at the Academy never knew what is going on. Your daily life could remain unchanged, even if you don't want to see us again, and they seem worried about you. _

_No one feels you have anything to be ashamed of._

For some reason I hadn't even been aware of, the last line actually made me feel better.

* * *

Eventually, I went back to the Academy, mostly because I didn't know what else to do. Ironically, the thing that had been ensuring my loyalty had made me feel most alienated. I wasn't sure how to explain to my friends what was going on.

"Nothing," I said when they asked, and Rae slapped me over the back of the head in annoyance.

Enzeru looked up at me in a motherly sort of way, worried. "Nii-chan..."

I sighed. "Nothing - nothing I want to talk about okay?" I said in something more like my normal voice. They accepted that, at least.

My teachers quietly gave me my work to catch up on and Atsushi made me dinner once, which I thought was surprisingly nice of him.

About a week after I returned to the Academy, I got another note.

_If you don't completely hate us, come to the Eleventh division. If you do completely hate us, come to the Eleventh division so we can beat the shit out of each other._

Surprising even myself, I accepted. Mostly because the idea of beating the shit out of somebody seemed kind of awesome.

* * *

When I entered the Eleventh division offices, Ikkaku and Yumichika were sitting around in the front room. Tiny little Yachiru came up to me and solemnly handed me one of her lollypops. Then she just walked the fuck away.

... Damnit, that was _really cute._

"You assholes did that on purpose!" I immediately shouted, pointing to the two behind her.

"Hey, it's not our fault you have a thing for the little pipsqueak," said Yumichika, shrugging as if he'd had nothing to do with it.

"But it _is _our fault for -" And Ikkaku stood up and bowed. "Sorry!"

"Well, don't -! Geez." I looked away, my face warm, embarrassed. In as macho a way as I could, I said, "Don't apologize for something you didn't order. Or -" I paused. "Do. You went along with it, maybe it's a good lesson for you."

Confused, I looked around to find them watching me warily. "So," Ikkaku continued, faux casual, "your mother really never -?"

My face hardened. "I just found out about my parents recently," I said coldly. "My father was on a mission to the living world and they saved each other's lives. My mother was from a branch of the Quincy who wanted no involvement with the war and neither of my parents ever had any interest in politics. And you can tell the people who are asking that."

Ikkaku watched me for a moment, then nodded. "Okay."

There was a heavy pause.

"So." Yumichika broke the silence, to my surprise, because he'd never been too fond of me. "You can draw." He seemed curious.

I was aware of the cultural differences, but for some reason I was still a little cautious and embarrassed. "Yes..."

"Draw me!" I looked around in surprise; Ikkaku seemed excited, he struck a pose. "Make me look tough and dramatic!"

"Y-you want me to draw you?!"

He nodded excitedly.

SoI sat down on the couch in the front office while Ikkaku posed in front of me. Yumichika and Yachiru hung over my shoulder watching everything I did, which wasn't nearly as annoying as the way Yachiru interrupted every two minutes to ask me what I was doing. Finally, I said to Yumichika, "Do something to entertain her or I'll draw you next and make you ugly," which had the combined effect of distracting Yachiru and taking the attention away from my art.

When I was finished, I handed the piece of paper over to a curious Ikkaku for his appraisal. "... How did you make it so... life like?" he asked at last, staring down at the paper with a little crease between his eyebrows.

"Umm... shading?" Probably?

"... Huh." Then he looked up, patted me once on the shoulder, and smiled. "Congratulations," he said, "you're not completely horrible."

"Thanks," I replied, deadpan, but I was amused despite myself.

"Well, what did you expect me to do, get emotional? Can I keep it?"

I was surprised. I guessed he liked it. "Sure," I said after a moment, and then, in more exasperation, at his confusion, "_Yes." _

"So," said Ikkaku, "this has been fun."

"A nice break from us beating the shit out of each other?"

"I wouldn't go that far. That's crazy talk. But it's been... interesting. In a strange, sophisticated sort of way. Now, unfortunately, we must say our goodbyes." He was oddly formal.

"What? Why?" I asked, caught off guard. They were kicking me out?

To my irritation, Ikkaku ignored me. "Today," he said, raising a hand, looking off to the side, "depending on how you look at it, you are either very lucky or very unlucky."

Standing, I realized I didn't like the sound of that. "Ikkaku..." I said slowly, warningly.

Then the door burst open behind me and as I whirled around Zaraki Kenpachi flung himself at me, grinning, a sword in his hand.

In case you were wondering, this is very distracting.

Lifting my arms, I instinctively put a wall of reiatsu between us because, Captain that he was, he was going too fast for me to dodge correctly. We burst through the wall and out onto the training field behind the offices. I took a stance in front of him and, too late, I missed something coming from behind me. To my surprise, Zabimaru's knives burst one after the other in sickening pain across my shoulder blade. Bending over from the strain, I reached up and shot a burst of energy through the end of the sword, ducking my head as I did so. Pieces of metal went everywhere and, injured, Zabimaru retracted.

I whirled around, in pain, my ears ringing, furious. Renji was standing there, unrepentant, and the beginnings of fear curled in my stomach. "What the hell did you do that fo -?!" I began, and then I realized Zaraki and Renji had me pinned in on either end and Soi Fong had taken one of my sides.

I was good, but I wasn't that good. Maybe if I used the Hollow. And the Quincy power. And that was a very slight maybe.

"What's going on?" I asked slowly. "You have to know I'm -" I couldn't say it out loud. _I'm not going to win this._

"Our goal is not to defeat you, Kurosaki Ichigo," Soi Fong said coldly with a slight eye roll, "our goal is to push you out of your comfort zone."

I turned to her, glaring. "Why?!"

"Why?!" she mocked me. Bitch.

"We saw it in those memories. You've been holding out on us, Kurosaki Ichigo. You haven't been fighting with your full power," said Zaraki Kenpachi. I froze. And then turned to him, glaring. As much as I hated to admit it, defensive. He gazed back at me, for once calm. "Then again," he said, "I already knew that, the first time I met you. As strong as you were, you could never just let yourself enjoy the fight. And _that_," he added, "is why you've refused to battle me. Because deep down," and here, he sneered, "you're _scared."_

"Fuck you!" It burst out of me, unbidden.

"Yes, please, get angry with me." He grinned viciously, lifting his arms. "I want to see you at your full power, Kurosaki Ichigo."

"You're not going to get that chance." I steeled myself, preparing to release my swords, pushing the spirits carefully to the background of my soul world. They were trying to speak to me, and normally I'd be listening to them. But not this time. I couldn't let myself fly too close to becoming one with them in this fight.

"Explode," I called, and it echoed across the arena, "Zangetsu!"

Power burst out from the impact and rippled out across the training field, flying calmly through the two Captains and the Vice Captain, who remained unfazed. And then it began. They took turns, surrounding me, picking at me one by one. Soi Fong, I immediately recognized, was the most dangerous. Zaraki Kenpachi and I were a flurry of kenjutsu moves, and Renji and I traded different blows of tactics and long distance fighting, but Soi Fong forced close, intimate quarters. She was a good hand to hand fighter, at least as good as Tatsuki, and infinitely faster thanks to reiatsu. I alternated between trying to keep her at bay where she couldn't hit me and trying just to keep up with her in a hand to hand fight, for once sheathing my swords. I hadn't felt outclassed in a hand to hand fight for a long time. It was a humbling sensation.

By the time the sun was lower in the sky, I was bent over in their center, breathing hard, bleeding from several important places. I glared around at them all. "What are we going to do," I asked sarcastically, "keep going until I collapse?"

"You're going to die of stubbornness, you moron!" Soi Fong, always the encouraging one, told me. "Just stop holding back."

"No," I spat, and blood came out with the spit, landing on the ground before me.

"You know, maybe he's right," said Renji at last, thoughtfully. "Maybe we should just give this a rest. We were all planning on going to visit Karakura to see the places we saw in those memories anyway. Why don't we just kidnap his sisters while we're there? Maybe," and here he smirked, and I remembered the man who had fought me so hard during Rukia's execution, "maybe he'll trying a little harder then."

I saw red.

I don't really remember much of what I did then, but when I came back, Zabimaru was a bunch of discarded silver ribbons floating off to the side, I was on top of a stunned Renji who I had pinned to the ground, and I was punching him in the face over and over again. "DON'T," I snapped, "HURT - MY - SISTERS!" I added a punch to each word, to emphasize the point. His face and my knuckles were bloody.

All of a sudden I realized what I was doing and I stopped, staring in surprise. Breathing hard.

Renji laughed a little, sarcastically, though his face was a mess. "My apologies," he said. "A tip, from Rukia. She said it was the only way to make you stop thinking."

All of a sudden, I realized what I had done. There, at the very forefront of my mind, in perfect sync with me, were the twin souls I had tried so hard to suppress. They were content, their struggle gone. I stood up, taking a deep breath. "Shit," I said, and then again, _"Shit. _I could have -"

"But you didn't." I looked around, and there were Soi Fong and Zaraki, watching me steadily. To my surprise, it was Soi Fong who had spoken. "That you managed to survive in a hand to hand fight against me is... not unimpressive." The words were begrudging. "But your movements then - that reckless abandon - it was nothing like before. And you stopped yourself. Renji is, as he trusted he would be, alive."

I struggled, my mind for once blank and uncomprehending. "But -"

"Look, kid." Zaraki seemed almost irritated. "You're a little thick, aren't you? Personally, I think your worry of losing yourself or killing people in battle is fucking idiotic. But you're smart enough you don't seem to have much to worry about. I mean, it hasn't happened yet, has it?" I opened my mouth... and closed it again. "Holding back on your strength in a fight is an insult both to who you're fighting for and what you're fighting. It's also moronic, if you expect to _win_.

"We just thought we should remind you of that, considering we're in the middle of a war and three high-ranking people are assumed dead." The words were grim, as were the expressions that passed across the training field.

"So... Renji wanted me to succeed... Zaraki wanted to see me enjoy fighting again... and you?" I turned to Soi Fong, curiously.

She glared at me. "Don't read too much into it," she snapped. "I just wanted to beat the shit out of you!"

I smiled, despite myself. "Right," I said, "sorry."

"Just..." I turned to Renji at his voice. "Remember this," he said, looking away toughly, "the next time you fight. Think about it, okay?"

Then he looked up and grinned. "And help me up, you asshole!"

Amused, I reached down and helped him to his feet.

Without my Hollow or my Quincy powers involved, I had mustered up enough power to defeat Renji easily. Maybe I would have to think about that.


End file.
